Hi there, Bears Fan. Welcome to New Orleans. It's been a while, hasn't it? Things have changed just a bit since the last time you guys came down for a visit. The Saints won a Super Bowl, how about you?

I'm pretty sure you and I have never met, but I feel comfortable with my assumption that you're probably a huge fucking prick. I'd apologize for pre-judging you, but I'm afraid I'm not really in an apologetic mood today. I'm really in more of a grudge-holding, hate-spewing mood right at the moment. So please bear with me. And while you're at it, how about you go ahead and blow me? Then eat shit and die. That work for ya, champ?

Oh settle down. Relax, quit taking everything so damned personally. I'm just sayin'… fuck you. That's all. Yeah, you, personally. Fuck you right in the left nostril with your gay dad's gay cock.

I hate you. We all do. Because you're an asshole. A complete waste of skin. And so are all the punkass bitches you consider friends. (They're not actually your friends, by the way. They secretly hate you and wish you'd die already. All of them.)

Oh, I know that's not you in that picture there. Yeah, I'm sure you'd never do anything like that. You probably didn't even condone it at the time, right? Hey, every fanbase has their little fringe subset of cocksucking thundercunts who haven't the foggiest notion of human decency, let alone anything resembling tact. And it's not fair to paint an entire fanbase with such a broad brush. It's not fair to hold you responsible for the sins of a small group of inbred fucktards.

Hey, I hear ya. Now shut the fuck up. Fortunately for me, I'm under no obligation to be "fair" here. I might reconsider the minute I meet one, just one, Bears fan who isn't a taint-licking twatwaffle. And it doesn't look like that's gonna be happening any time soon.

Oh, I've got plenty of experience with Bears fans. I grew up a Cubs fan. Don't give much of a shit about their sorry asses these days, or baseball in general, but that's a fairly recent development. Back in 2005 and 2006, I was still following the Cubs 365 days a year on the message boards and whatnot. I was among Chicagoans every day. There were even a handful I actually liked. My mistake.

I've made my pilgrimage to Wrigley, and I enjoyed your fair city immensely. My kinda town. Well, the North Side, at least. Parts of it, anyway.

Oh sure, there are large chunks of it that really ought to be evacuated permanently and just paved over already. I mean, let's be honest about it, what does Chicago really contribute to the general welfare of the United States anyway? It's a fun place to visit and all. For example, I love how down on Halstead Street, the women are more than willing to expose their breasts if you just ask nicely. (Or not-so-nicely, am I right Dickhead Bears Fan?)

But mostly, it's kind of a shithole.

Dirty air, dirty water, crumbling infrastructure, crooked government. Everywhere you look there are moustached fat guys in stained tee shirts sweating all over the place and digging their Fruit Of The Looms out of their asses and shouting "Daaaa Bearssss!!!" at total strangers for no particular reason, and other such uncivilized nastiness. And don't even get me started on all the switchblade-wielding meth-head hillbillies with swastikas tattooed on their backs who have permanently set up shop in their 1973 Winnebagos in the parking lot of U.S. Comiskular.

I mean, seriously, how could any human being with any actual worth choose to make their home in such a place? It's not like it's ever gonna get any better. Seriously, how big an idiot does a person have to be to not just pack up and leave it to sink into Lake Michigan? I mean, it's not like anybody else really gives a fuck one way or the other. It's just Chicago.

See how that works?

Oh, you better bet your ass I haven't gotten over it. I'll get over it when I'm damn good and ready, assuming that day ever comes. But it sure as hell ain't gonna be today. And I offer no apologies for that. So fuck you. Eat a dick.

And before you trot out your so-called trump card, no, I'm not "still whining about Katrina." I relocated from southeast Louisiana a full decade before the Federal Flood, I don't have near enough #standing to ever have "whined" about Katrina in the first place.

This has nothing to to with the Federal Flood, fuckface. This is about you and everyone you care about being a bunch of soulless sacks of shit.

I bet you sobbed your balls off while waving the miniature American flag FOX™ gave you during last weekend's 9/11 Tenth Anniversary Special Brought To You By Chevrolet™ And Pepsi™ didn't ya? For as long as you figured somebody might be watching, that is. Oh don't think I didn't see you glancing up to check whether or not the little red light on the tee vee camera was still on. It was right before you snapped to attention and saluted during that skipped beat between "…gladly stand UP" and "…next to you and defend her to this day."

'Cause there ain't no doubt you really REALLY need everybody out there in tee vee land to know that, by golly, you truly care. Truly. "IT WAS TEN YEARS AGO TODAY!!! NEVER FORGET!!! SAY, WHERE THE FUCK DID I PUT MY NACHOS?!?"

Anyway, welcome to New Orleans. Hope you didn't forget your passport, because by your own apparent standards, you ain't in 'Murika no more. Enjoy your stay though. Or something. Hey, for what it's worth, I have it on good authority that New Orleanians on balance are a bit more hospitable than, for example, Haitians. Oh you don't have to take my word for it. Have you seen Treme?

Well, under normal circumstances, that is. Unfortunately for you, you're a Bears Fan. So, um, good luck with all that. I guess. It's not like you didn't ask for whatever you get. So you've got that going for ya.

Might wanna think about leaving those signs back at home though. And maybe keeping your fool bratwurst hole shut for the most part, if you can handle that. Because I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say I'm probably not the only one who's not over it yet. Asshole.

In closing, let me just go ahead and issue this here disclaimer. Because I know it's what you're thinking. We here at moosedenied never, ever, ever condone physical violence of any kind. That's really more of a Chicago thing anyway. So please, fuck off with that. Don't even start. Nobody's saying anybody ought to get their ass kicked, let alone anything beyond that. If there's one thing we and you fucksticks can agree on, it's that nobody ought to be subject to physical harm over a fuckin' football game.

That's how we roll down here, anyway. Just throw it on the pile of ways we're better than you.

Meantime, just sayin'. Might wanna think twice before you start flapping those gums, let alone slinging that doughy Chicago fist at somebody. I only mention it because apparently you whitebred midwestern jackasses are dumb enough to need to be told.

Have a nice day.

Oh, and go fuck yourselves.

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