In 33 days, the Saints will head back to the semi-shitty home of the Division III Millsaps Majors to begin their second straight run at losing half their roster to heatstroke a Lombardi Trophy.

I’m not saying Millsaps is small-time, but their football team’s photo galleries are hosted on Photobucket. Seriously.

On the other hand, apparently the Majors are coached by Mike DuBose. Who knew? I’m sure that eventually Nick Saban will end up there too.

I’m not a big fan of the whole Millsaps Experience, but it has little to do with Millsaps. It has to do with the south Mississippi August heat, the mere thought of which gives me a case of the horribles.

Yeah, I know, it’s supposed to put hair on their balls. I’m sure gouging themselves in the thighs with flat head screwdrivers would toughen ‘em up too. But shit, how much is too much? I’m all for toughness, fighting through adversity, all that macho shit. That’s great. But I’d prefer that they get good reps rather than dragging ass after the first half-hour because the Gatorade on the sidelines is frickin’ boiling. But what do I know? I’m just a dope on a blog.

There will be plenty of storylines to follow over at Saintsreport, and follow them we shall.

The Impending DOOM(!!!!!) of Jack Hunt
Nobody will be under the microscope more than our man Dev. I’m quite sure that WWL will be giving us frequent updates on Dev’s disappointing 3-drop Saturday, followed by his impressive Sunday in which he had only 3 drops. His inconsistent Monday when he really had trouble holding onto the ball, drawing a tongue-lashing from Curtis Johnson because of his 3 drops. Followed by a strong bounce-back performance on Tuesday, when he caught all but 3 balls and looked like an all-pro. Boss.

Meanwhile, over on the SSF, we’ll have alternating days of exploding heads, trade-Dev-proposals (for everyone from 2 firsts, to Jonathan Vilma, to Oakland’s backup punter) and invasions by legions of shameless HOMERS (which is the SSF’s preferred term for anyone who thinks Dev doesn’t suck) insisting that Loomis trade Meechum™ instead.

The Impending DOOM(!!!!!) of Robbie Meechum
Oh this oughta be good. The wailing and gnashing of teeth over Meachem not having signed yet should be gearing up right about………… now. I’m surprised it has taken this long. God help him if he doesn’t sign by July 25. They’re already gathering a posse and handing out the pitchforks because the kid’s injured. God help him if he’s spotted on a stationary bike during the first practice session. You get the feeling that a large portion of Saints fans are just licking their chops and waiting patiently for the very first opportunity to turn on the guy. He is going to get absolutely Rhem-ed on the SSF the first time McKnight pulls a highlight play out of his ass while being covered by Joe Schmuck, UDFA from Alaska A&M. (What? Of course “Colstons” happen every year. This kid shoulda been a top-10 pick! Shoulda taken that white rapper dude that Chicago took! In fact, make the trade happen, Loomis!)

What’s Inside Hollis Thomas’ Aquafina Bottle?
Hollis’ ass has its own congressman. And his lungs are spastic. Each by itself makes you not want to be within 1000 miles of Jackson, MS in August. Both together, and you end up paying some schmuck $1000/day to find you certain substances. Like clean blood and urine. “Mr. Thomas, your blood chemistry seems to indicate that you may, in fact, be a boar.”

Hey, the Saints couldn’t stop the run with Hollis last year. But the last thing they need is to have to try to stop it without him this year. Sure, they brought in Kendrick Clancy, but according to TJ, he’s a huge asshole. Huge backflip dude lasted 10 minutes before being told to fuck off. Antwan Lake is Antwan Lake. McKinley Boykin will probably quit when he finds out that they don’t have the right brand of pork rinds. The other guys are white. Shit. Hollis might not be a world-beater, but he’s all we’ve got. Somebody let me know where to ship the clean blood and piss.

Dulymus’ Face
You just know we’re going to be treated to the yearly “Deuce looks fat” commentary. How is it that people still haven’t figured out that Dulymus just has a face that looks like the bottom of a wok? It’s always looked like that and it always will. But Dulymus is going to kick ass by the truckload this year, and here’s why:

A) Both legs work
B) He is the consummate professional, and the consummate competitor
C) He no longer hates the guts of his head coach and half his teammates
D) You know that somewhere, deep down, whether he embraces it or tries to suppress it, deep down he wants to shove it right up Little Superstar’s ass.

Nobody’s gonna admit it, nor should they. And Dulymus being the man he is, I’m sure he has nothing but respect for L.S. and wants what’s best for him and the team. I’m sure he’s a fantastic teammate 24/7, and a great mentor. As long as the team wins, that’s all that matters. By all accounts, there’s no animosity whatsoever and the two are actually great fans of each other. That’s great, that’s the way it should be, and I would expect nothing less from Dulymus. But if you don’t think there’s an alpha dog type of deal going on beneath the surface, stop reading now and de-pause your Celine Dion CD.

(And with that, I’ve just realized that I’ve wasted a far-too-large chunk of my afternoon. So I’m going to go ahead and split this here commentary into multiple parts. Isn’t that how “the pros” do it? More later….)