You know what’s great about the Falcons? They blow. Hard. This team is in worse shape than Ron Mexico’s genitals.

Big East offensive guru Bobby Petrino goes into the season wondering why Murray State isn’t on the schedule having to decide whether to try to reclaim The Great Joey Harrington or hand the reigns to DJ Shockley while Michael Vick tries to avoid eye contact with the jury. Sucks to be him.

Here’s the catch-22 for Petrino: Last year Atlanta was #1 in the NFL in rushing offense, but could still only manage #12 in total offense. Why? Because Michael Vick sucks at passing. Atlanta was dead last in the NFL last year in passing offense. But Vick is great at running. Take away Vick’s 1039 yards rushing (which it appears that either the Feds or Roger Goodell might do) and the Falcons are 16th in the NFL instead of 1st.

But if the Falcons are forced to install an actual QB while Vick pokes aluminum cans with a long, pointy stick on the side of the highway, those 1039 rushing yards should be replaced by at least as many passing yards, right? You’d think so, but Matt Schaub plays for Houston now. And if Vick’s 75.7 passer rating and 13 interceptions are bad (and they are) then what of Joey Harrington’s 68.2 passer rating and 15 interceptions?

Ooh, that’s gotta hurt.

But hey, this is the U.S. of A. and Michael Vick is rich and famous, so let’s assume he O.J.’s out of any responsibility whatsoever. He still sucks. He’s still a coach killer. He’s still good for about 2500 passing yards, about 55% completion percentage (if it’s a particularly good year)  and a passer rating in the ballpark of 75.  He’s not getting any better, and he’s not going to.

But, laughably, there are still plenty of Vick apologists who lay the bulk of the blame on the endless parade of wide receivers who have come through Atlanta over the last several years. I’m not about to suggest that they’ve had any great ones, but how many more are going to have to shuttle through before the common thread becomes obvious?

This year’s Guy Who Will Prove That Vick Is A Great Passer is a broken down, 34 year old, 12 year vet that we Saints fans are quite familiar with. Clearly Joe Horn immediately becomes Atlanta’s best wide receiver. Assuming he can stay on the field. For five years, Joe was quite possibly the most underrated receiver in the league. But those days are long gone. 654 yards in 2005 and 679 yards in 2006. Still, he’s a lot better than Michael Jenkins and Roddy White. So he’s got that going for him. And hey, maybe the triumphant return of The Great Brian Finneran will help.

Between Michael Vick and this group of wide receivers, you have to figure that all the pieces are in place for a really effective passing attack… for the Georgia Force.

Meantime, Petrino seems to be trying to move from the zone blocking scheme the Falcons have been using, to more of a power running game.

With Warrick Dunn and Jerious Norwood.

Hey, good luck with that.

I’m sure Ovie Mughelli is great, especially when topped with a ladle of garlic clam sauce and breadsticks on the side, but the Falcons were the #1 rushing team in the league last year. They were also #1 in the league in rushing attempts. So now that they’ve fixed what wasn’t broken, how much more do they plan to rush this year? 40 times a game? 45? I’m sure Joe Horn will keep his mouth shut about that.

So let’s recap. The Falcons are the most one-dimensional offense in the league. They’re the best in the NFL on the ground and the worst through the air. So what do they do? They revamp their strength for some reason, and they put a bandaid on their weakness in the form of two broken wideouts who are both on the wrong side of 30. Brilliant.

Meantime, while the Sword of Damocles hangs over the head of one third of their rushing offense, the guy who was the difference between “best” and “average” for their sole offensive strength, they trade their Plan B and install a guy who not only can’t run, but is actually worse through the air as well.

Wow.

Defensively, the Falcons were 9th in the league against the run, and that’s pretty good. Their front 7 is pretty stout, theoretically. The addition of Jamaal Anderson at LDE should be a good one. But Rod Coleman is 31, a 9 year vet, has injury concerns, and his numbers dropped precipitously last year. Grady Jackson is 33, an 11 year vet, morbidly obese and hates his employers’ guts. John Abraham can’t stay healthy. Keith Brooking is 32 and a 10 year vet.

So while the Falcons seem to be in pretty good shape up front, it could all go to shit at any time.

Meanwhile, the Falcons absolutely suck in the defensive backfield. 29th in the league last year in passing defense. Their plan? The time-tested Move A Crappy Cornerback To Free Safety And See If Maybe That Works gambit. Then replace the crappy cornerback with a rookie, an early-entry rookie at that, who has a rap for being raw, inconsistent, a pass-interference waiting to happen, a gambler who is prone to being fooled by double moves and getting beat deep, and who can’t catch the ball when he gambles and guesses right. A guy who has “potential bust” written all over him, and is most often compared to Ahmad Carroll. Oof.

And if that doesn’t work? Go with the same four dudes who put up that 29th ranked pass defense last year.

In summary, the Falcons blow. These guys have about as much chance in the NFC South as a Rottweiler pup has of a long, happy, healthy life at Michael Vick’s house.

Prediction: 4-12, 4th place in the NFC South