This just in: The Falcons still blow.

But hey, five to eight years from now? Watch out, bitches! Atlanta’s got themselves a brand spankin’ new "face of the franchise" in the form of… another overrated ACC quarterback with two first names.

There have been rumors that the selection of Matt Ryan was a big misunderstanding in the first place. Evidently the Falcons’ rep actually told Herr Goodell that they wanted to select Glenn Dorsey, but Goodell thought he said "The Next Ken Dorsey."

From a business standpoint, I suppose the sooner you can complete the transition of your overall brand identity from ridin’ dirty to white ‘n’ nerdy, the better. Then again, lately everything the Falcons touch turns to shit, and they wasted little time in putting Ryan in the position of being the league’s current poster boy for insane rookie contracts. Still, I suppose it’s better than being the poster boy for Valtrex, High Times and The National Organization for Puppy Torture. On the other hand, we’re pretty sure nobody in the Falcons’ organization has seen Ryan’s offseason checklist yet:

• Learn playbook
• Contract venereal disease from Haitian tranny
• Secure fake identification in the name of "Phil Guatemala"
• Assemble small staff of Dominican immigrants to stock walk-in humidor with fat ass blunts
• Bankroll establishment of offshore monkey knife-fighting club

Overrated ACC quarterback with two first names. How could the Falcons not see this coming? Arthur Blank will be musing on national tee vee about his propensity to overindulge on fried chicken any day now. But hey, at least the Falcons didn’t have to trade two picks which eventually became Ladainian Tomlinson and Drew Brees this time. So they’ve got that going for ‘em.

But in the short term, while the new ass of the franchise familiarizes itself with the feel of that sweet Georgia pine, it’s Joey The Great and Chris Redman once again. Apparently the Falcons are loathe to throw Ryan into the fire right off the bat, fearing that might ruin him. Apparently they’re oblivious to the fact that that already happened as soon as he donned his first Falcons cap.

Ironically, legendary douchebag Bobby Petrino was singlehandedly responsible for arguably the Falcons’ best offseason move: removing Bobby Petrino as head coach. The only thing he could have done that would have been better than that would have been to actually set himself on fire.

Of course, rather than just doing the right thing and taking the interim tag off of wildly popular interim head coach Emmitt Thomas, who was four seconds away from going 2-1 with the steaming pile of shit Petrino left him (a pile of shit that had already quit on Petrino weeks earlier,) the Falcons basically told Thomas to go fuck himself, opting instead to go on a bizarre wild goose chase for a head coach and a new GM, in no particular order.

The Falcons wanted to make a big splash with a "name" guy. Somebody like Mike Singletary or Jason Garrett or Pete Carroll. Mission accomplished, as the Falcons eventually decided on……. Mike Smith.

That name again is Mike Smith. Otherwise known as this guy:

Smith comes with a good reputation, having been the defensive coordinator for Jacksonville, and Baltimore before that. Unfortunately, the Falcons don’t have John Henderson, Marcus Stroud, Rashean Mathis, Ray Lewis, Peter Boulware or Ed Reed. Hell, they don’t even have DeAngelo Hall anymore.

I’m sure Smith will work wonders with Von Hutchins, Erik Coleman, Deke Cooper and the 80 year old Lawyer Milloy.

Up front, former #8 overall pick Jamaal Anderson racked up a whopping 30 tackles and zero sacks, and is a regular on all the 2007 "bust" lists. But I’m sure that was all Hue Jackson’s fault. John Abraham had a nice year on the other end. But up the middle, well, let’s just say the Falcons are probably wishing they had Antwan Lake back right about now.

26th in the league against the run. 23rd against the pass, and that was with DeAngelo Hall. 29th in total defense and 29th in scoring defense. How bad was it? They were worse than the Saints.

Yeah, they didn’t need Dorsey. Or Hall, for that matter. What they needed was MIKE SMITH! That name again is Mike Smith.

Meanwhile, over on the offensive side of the ball, the Falcons fell from 3rd in the league in rushing in 2006 to 26th in 2007.

So they got rid of their leading rusher. Guh.

Oh, I kid. Sure, Warrick Dunn might very well be Warrick Done (although he did put up 1100 yards in 2006, back when the Falcons had a QB under center who people still laughed at, but they knew he could hurt you if you weren’t careful.) Jerious Norwood put up 6 yards a carry in limited opportunities last year. And the big offseason acquisition was Michael "The Burner" Turner. Most people seem to think that Turner should be quite a significant upgrade after what he has shown while backing up LT in San Diego.

There’s only one problem with that. San Diego’s offensive line is… you know… good. Atlanta’s? Not so much. And with the dynamic duo of Joey and Redman under center again in 2008, that line will be facing 8-man fronts all year. The same 8-man fronts that made Warrick Dunn look washed up, and made Roddy White and Laurent Robinson look like they might not suck.

This, of course, is a no-brainer call for this season. Even Falcons fans don’t think this team is going to do anything this year. Nobody does. The only argument is whether the worst is behind them, and this is the year they start their march back towards something resembling respectability, or whether rock bottom is still a ways down yet.

There are decent arguments for both positions.

IIt’s hard to imagine Mike Smith being a bigger douchebag than Petrino. On the other hand, who the fuck is Mike Smith?

The Ron Mexico saga is no longer hanging over the team. On the other hand, Matt Ryan is going to be one hell of an expensive bench ornament this season until everbody has had about enough of Joey and Redman, and by the time the Chris Miller Experience Part II gets going, it’ll be too late for this year.

Everything else they’ve done, in the short term, is deck chairs on the Titanic.

I nailed the fuck out of the 2007 Falcons’ fate about this time last year. Based on what they’ve done over the offseason, I don’t see where they’ve gotten significantly better or worse. All I see is a team that’s poised to be around the 4-12 mark, give or take a game, for the next handful of years at minimum. If they’re lucky. And that ought to be big fun.

But hey, if you’re a Falcons fan, you’ve gotta be feeling pretty good about these guys being your braintrust for the next half decade, eh?

Good times.

Prediction: 4-12, 4th place in the NFC South for as far as the eye can see