So how did you bitches spend the bye week? I spent mine discovering the elusive secret to INTERNET MILLIONS! Apparently, it goes a little something like this: 1. Throw a little dirt in the general direction of Reggie Bush’s mindbogglingly handsome playmaking face, 2. ____________, 3. Profit! Now if only I could bring myself to plaster ads all over this place. Stupid modicum of shame! Always coming back to bite me in the ass.

I’ve always been one to chuckle at Message Board Guy getting played like a fiddle on a regular basis by guys like my old friend Colin Cowherd. I’ve always known that while MBG goes on and on about wanting informed, "fair and balanced" commentary, with heavy doses of Respeck™ for the object of his affection, it’s really all just a front. What he really wants is for you to give him the opportunity to call you an idiot. Tell him precisely what he least wants to hear, and then just sit back and watch those numbers go through the fuckin’ roof. Brilliant.

You have to be prepared to laugh your balls off at a ton of barely coherent hate mail. And you have to be prepared to be humbled when the sculptor’s chisel chips away the lie. As was the case this week for me, with Reggie clearly having his best week of the season, as the Saints filibustered vigilantly vs. the Bye Week Fightin’ Consumer Whores.

Fumbles? Zero. 
40-yard runs for 1-yard gains, assisted by blocks from the franchise quarterback? None.
Punt returns for negative yardage? No sir, not a one.
Mindboggling decisions to call for a fair catch, then let it bounce within about an arm’s length? Nope.

Nor did I see any banging the ball against the turf after spotting that cutback lane that would have sprung him for another 30 yards and a TD, only to realize that he had just stepped out of bounds on account of that one dude who was dangerously close to being within three yards of taking a cheap shot at the aforementioned stunningly handsome face. Hey, progression is progression. Clearly Reggie learned a lot from the Jets game. I’m pretty sure he’s turned the corner. For real this time.

Meanwhile, inexplicably, everybody else on the whole fuckin’ team was held completely in check. What was up with that? I mean they couldn’t get anything going. It’s as if nobody but Reggie even bothered to show up.

Drew Brees? Zero completions for zero yards. Pierre Thomas and Mike Bell? Zero rushing yards and zero touchdowns. Colston? Nothing. Jack Hunt? Nadda. Even Darren Sharper was pretty much useless.

But did the Saints lose? Did they??? Hell no they didn’t. And why do you think that is? I’ll tell you. It was because of Reggie. REGGGGGGIEEEE!!! So quit hatin’, assholes. The Saints could have fielded Reggie and nobody else last weekend, and they’d have been just fine. Now that’s what I call makin’ plays! It’s weeks like this last one that make you realize just what Reggie brings to the table. When everybody else on the team seems completely disinterested, who steps up and singlehandedly leads the Saints to a non-loss? Who else on this team has that kind of ability? Who??? Nobody, that’s who. Dude’s like a Longines Symphonette, I tells ya.

Which is why this here blog has decided to henceforth refer to Reggie as "the Spiraling Shape." John & John have had this thing pegged from day one. As always. It’s as if they had Reggie and his legions of swooning honorary Kardashians in mind when they wrote it. (Those of you who know what the hell I’m talking about win a small pile of fabulous prizes, including a prosthetic forehead to wear on your real head.)

Now watch him go out there and dominate the Giants just to spite me. Hey, egg on my face is a small price to pay. It would be quite helpful, because it’s high time a certain formerly godlike quarterback get his head out of his ass. Worst passing performance ever. Even JaMarcus Russell can complete one stinkin’ pass. This is three weeks now, Drew, and it’s starting to get annoying. Just sayin’.

This week’s game against the Giants is actual size, but it seems much bigger to me. On paper, it sure does look like these two teams are about as evenly matched as it gets.

Eli Manning and Drew Brees are 2 and 3 in the NFL in passer rating. Both offenses are putting up a ton of yards, particularly on the ground, and both teams are scoring a ton of points. The main difference seems to be that Eli Manning is getting his passing yards in larger chunks more frequently than Drew has been. Manning has 21 passes of 20+ to Drew’s 13, and 5 of 40+ to Drew’s 1. I have to admit that I was surprised to discover that. It probably has a lot to do with their offensive line, which is healthy and badass.

Which means that it’s gonna be extremely important for this recent spate of competence from Charles Grant and Will Smith to prove genuine and sustainable. And that frightens me, because I’m not sure I’m ready to believe it just yet. It might also be a good time for Bobby McCray to wake up and join the action.

Because I’m afraid it might be a long day if the Saints can’t get any pressure on Manning this week. The Giants have two of the top 12 wide receivers in the league, and Steve Smith has already posted an absolutely ridiculous 481 receiving yards on 37 receptions, including 7 for 20+ (all of which are #1 in the league.) Kevin Boss is 4th in the league among tight ends with 4 receptions of 20+, and 7th among tight ends in yards per catch. And both Mario Manningham and Hakeem Nicks are averaging over 17 yards per reception.

A veteran quarterback, one of the best in the league, with receiving weapons all over the field. Sound familiar?

Oh sure, I know that Smith and Grant have been playing really well the last couple games, and that the Saints’ defensive backfield is a lot better this year. A lot better than the stats would indicate right now, in fact, due to the Saints’ large late leads earlier in the season. And that’s great.

But this is still the Saints’ defensive ends and defensive backfield we’re talking about. Unfortunately, not enough time has passed yet since the Gary Gibbs Experience for there to not still be that all-too-familiar gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach about it. At least, for me anyway.

Turning that around, the Giants have the #1 ranked defense in the league and the #1 ranked passing defense in the league. But there’s some doubt as to how legit that is. I mean, the highest ranking quarterback they’ve faced so far is Jason freakin’ Campbell, for crying out loud. He’s 16th in the league. And he’s Jason Campbell.

Tony Romo is 18th in the league, and had his worst game of the year in the opening of Jerrahworld, vs. the Giants. Not that Romo is known for being the complete antithesis of clutch or anything. Dude never comes up small in big games. Matt Cassel is 20th. Josh Johnson is 34th, right smack dab between Jake Delhomme and JaMarcus Russell. Oof. Johnson went 4 of 10 for 36 yards. That’s right, THIRTY SIX passing yards. Guh.

Then last week they got none other than the inimitable JaMarcus himself. The One and Only. The Jason David of quarterbacks. And I’m not even sure Jason David wouldn’t be a better quarterback than Russell. In fact, I kinda feel like an asshole even comparing David to JaMarcus. So scratch that, let’s just call him the Reggie Bush of quarterbacks. High five!

Oh, settle down. I only half meant it. I’m just giving you another opportunity to call me an idiot, because I know you love it so. Hey, I give. It’s what I do. Nobody’s forcing you to give it any credence, or even continue reading. You’re free to come and go, or talk like Kurtis Blow.

To recap, we’re talking about the 16th, 18th, 20th, 34th and 35th quarterbacks in the league. Is it any wonder the Giants’ defense is giving up a scant 104.8 passing yards per game? Say, how do you think Drew Brees stacks up against these chumps? I’m thinking pretty favorably. That is, assuming he can shake off that 0-0 for 0 game last weekend. Come on Drew, that was bullshit. I hope you’re buying Reggie a year’s supply of Axe body spray for bailing your ass out.

Meanwhile, the Giants’ run defense is downright pedestrian. (See what I did there? Run defense? Pedestrian? Eh? Eh? That one was for you, Carl Dubois.) 15th in the league, giving up 105.8 yards per game. The Saints are rushing for a 2nd ranked 166.2 yards per game. And for the first time all year, the Saints ought to have the services of Mike Bell and Pierre Thomas at the same time. Oh, and there’s also Reggie. Can’t forget the Reg.

So it seems pretty cut and dried, doesn’t it? Old school. The Saints need to run the ball, set up the play action, and give them a heavy dose of dink & dunk with Reggie. Or, better yet, anyone else. If I might be so bold, I’d like to suggest Frenchy.

I also expect a big game from Poochie. Which will have next to nothing to do with the fact that Poochie was a Giants lifer until last year, but it sure is a happy coincidence for the guys calling the game, as well as ESPN and those of their ilk. Everybody wins! High five once again! Any guesses as to how much mileage they’ll get out of the fact that Tutan Reyes used to be a Saint?

Brace yourselves, folks. This is gonna be an orgy of tired football clichés. It all starts upfront. Run the ball and stop the run. Keep the opposing offense off the field. It’s a game of inches. It all comes down to execution. The team that makes the fewest mistakes will win. Field position will be key. Make the most of your opportunities. Special teams could tip the scales. Protect the ball. The defense has to get off the field on third down and give their offense as many opportunities as possible.

Avalanche or roadblock? I was a snowball in hell. In the recent past, that would describe how we’re feeling all the time. Fortunately for us, times, they’ve been a-changin’.

Oh sure, you’ve probably already read all about how bad the Saints have been coming off bye weeks in the past, including the recent past. Right up until this weekend, in fact. The good news is that that little stat of the week is all but completely irrelevant. It just doesn’t mean jack shit. It doesn’t mean the opposite is true either, and that the Saints will definitely win this weekend.

But it’s a specious "trend" to say the least. In 2006, the Saints came off their bye and got a big face full of Ray Lewis. In 2007 and 2008, the Saints were a .500 kind of team fielding guys like Josh Bullocks, Kevin Kaesviharn, Jason David, Olindo Mare and Marteen Gramatica. Guh.

These days? Not so much. So take all that "Saints suck coming off bye week" stuff and shove it up your ass. It doesn’t mean a thing.

Prediction? Well, my head tells me that this is the very definition of a pick ‘em. Could go either way, by a last-second field goal or in a rout. There’s just no telling.

But until the Saints actually do get their asses handed to them, as opposed to being the ass-handers themselves, I just can’t bring myself to predict a win by less than two scores, let alone a loss. So, until then, I won’t.

Remember the day Marvin Gaye and Phil Ochs got married? The trees all waved their giant arms, and happiness bled from every street corner, and biplanes bombed with fluffy pillows. I’m thinking this is gonna go a lot like that.

Saints 35, Giants 21