Welp, so much for that. Back to the drawing board. The time to panic has come. We must now move forward and turn to the town's all-purpose contingency plan. Plan B? Yes… B.

So, who wants to talk a little 2013 draft? Hey, look at the bright side. With a top-5 pick, the Saints might end up having a shot at Barkevious Mingo. Nice! Of course, if they're smart, they'll trade down. After all, clearly they're gonna need at least two safeties, a corner, two offensive tackles, two wideouts, two linebackers, a defensive end and a quarterback. Make it happen, Loomis!

Meantime, I'm afraid that at this point Message Board Guy has me convinced that the Saints are pretty much fucked for 2012. Clearly Sunday's game provided more than enough evidence to support that conclusion. I mean, how much more do you need to see? This wasn't an 8-point loss on the road in primetime against the defending Super Bowl Champs, after all. No sir. This was an 8-point home loss against a 5-11 team starting a rookie quarterback! A rookie, for crying out loud!

You thought Drew Brees was in a steep decline before? How's that 46.2 completion percentage workin' for ya? And he's on pace for 32 interceptions! I don't know about you, but I always knew that selfish offseason holdout would come back to bite him (and us) right in the ass eventually. Yeah, some "leader" that guy turned out to be. Oh he's still good at putting on that Determined Face when he's stinking the joint up, but everybody sees through all that now. Everybody knows he's just worried about whether or not his legion of monkey butlers are doing their jobs back at his solid gold house.

Of course, it doesn't help that all of a sudden the offensive line totally blows. They're on pace to allow 32 sacks! Shit! Obviously the load-bearing beam there was Carl Nicks, and since Drew's GREED(!!!) forced Loomis to foolishly let Nicks go, the whole thing is now crumbling down like so much Chinese drywall.

And don't even get me started on the complete REFUSAL to run the ball! See, I always thought that was Sean Payton's fault. But apparently Sean Payton was the only reason why the Saints ever ran the ball to begin with. Who knew? Between Carmichael and Drew, without Payton around to keep them in check, we'll be lucky if we see 10 rushes per game all season. And 9 of them will go to Mark Ingram, who clearly blows and is a complete bust. Meanwhile, they're totally wasting Travaris! Goddammit!

But the grim reality is that Sean Payton isn't walking through that door any time soon, and that's the really scary part. Because OMG who is this Kromer guy and why does he completely lack belly fire? (Shoulda had some of my red beans before the game. The secret is adding some Zats liquid to the water when you soak 'em the day before.)

This guy's clearly in way over his head. He didn't even throw his headset or anything! I'm no high-falootin' big city psychologist, but it's pretty obvious that this guy just doesn't give a shit. You think Mike Smith would stand there and watch his team shit the bed without even so much as throwing a hissy fit? That's one of a head coach's most important duties. DO YOUR JOB, KROMER!

And SpagNOLA? More like GagNOLA, am I right? Y'all can throw out that little factoid about Spaggs' 2007 Giants defense giving up 80 points in their first two games all you want, but those two games were against TONY ROMO and BRETT FAVRE!!! Not some douchebag rookie. And there ain't no Michael Strahans or Justin Tucks or Osi Umenyioras on this here roster anyway. Just a bunch of no-pressuring, no-covering, no-catching motherfuckers. Same as it ever was.

So, yeah. Clearly we're doomed. Or something. How embarrassing and infuriating! On the bright side, with any luck, maybe we'll at least be able to score a spot in line right in front of jeffrey at the coffee shop. Or better yet, right behind him. It's a lot harder to catch a glimpse of the robust NOLA Media Group coverage these days when you're standing in front of the guy with the handheld device.

Or… and hey, just a thought here… maybe we could quit bitching and moaning like a bunch of Uptown Ladies and sack the fuck up already.

Jesus, some of y'all act like we haven't seen this movie once or twice every damn season for over half a decade now. This just in: the Saints are good for a couple of inexplicable shitburgers every year. Seriously, have you not been paying attention? It's par for the course. And they usually happen right when we least expect it.

At least this one was a hell of a lot less inexplicable than most of them are.

Look, the Saints straight got their asses kicked. There's no denying that. And I'm not gonna sit here and try to convince you that it didn't suck. Clearly it did. A lot. In just about every way. (It really was a damn fine pot of red beans though. Just sayin'.)

All I'm saying is that it went pretty much right according to the script, did it not? A script we've seen played out over and over again over the last 6 years. I'm not saying you have to like it, but it'd be nice to at least recognize it. By now, this ought to be old hat.

It goes a little something like this: The Saints have a huge head of steam (whether real or manufactured) and we all have our chests all puffed out. The Saints go into the game figuring they're gonna go all Mike Tyson vs. Michael Spinks with it. Meanwhile everybody momentarily forgets that, in the NFL, everybody's Buster Douglas. The Saints come out throwing haymakers, they don't land, and before you know it their eye is swollen shut from the opponent's relentless jabs. And somewhere around round 5 you find out that the cutman didn't bother to bring an enswell to the ring. "No problem, it's just a matter of time until that right hook finally lands. Just ride it out and keep swinging."

And so they keep swinging. And swinging, and swinging. Because Drew Brees is Mike fuckin' Tyson.

Hey, sometimes it doesn't work. The good news though? It usually does.

That's why it's the default strategy, and feeding Travaris isn't.

This just in: That Robert Griffin dude? Not exactly your typical "rookie quarterback." He damn sure ain't no Colt McCoy or Max Hall. And you can bet your ass that the Saints won't be the only team RGIII pimp slaps this season. Just like Cam Newton did, just like Michael Vick did… hell, just like Vince Young did for a little while there before he went all batshit.

Brian Orakpo and Ryan Kerrigan? Not exactly a couple of chumps either. And in case you weren't previously aware, Mike Shanahan has been around the block once or twice.

So quit acting like the Saints just lost to North Texas, will ya? It's the goddamn NFL for crying out loud. These things happen. All the fucking time.

why football happen as it do

Good question. Hell if I know.

Say, who do you think comes away with the #1 seed in the NFC, the Cardinals or the Vikings?

Hey, at least the Packers and Giants are just as boned as the Saints are, right? High five?

Yeah. Week one, people. Week one.

I'm not saying everything is fine. Because clearly it's not. All I'm saying is that, in hindsight, none of it should be particularly disturbing. Because none of it is really all that out of the ordinary. And lately, the ordinary has been pretty fuckin' good, no? (Overall, that is. Weeks like this notwithstanding.)

Don't be an Uptown Lady.

Please feel free to pimp us on your favorite social media service: