Welcome to the offseason, bitches.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Except for the preseason, regular season and postseason. It’s a magical time when everybody is undefeated. Everybody is a contender, except for the Falcons. A time when the only view you have of your favorite NFL team is through a crystal ball.

The great thing about crystal balls is they don’t actually work. So whatever you see in it is whatever you want to see in it. Outstanding, just the way I like it.

Those of us who aren’t perpetually-miserable asshole "realists" can gaze upon eight months of regrouping, re-evaluating, retooling, reloading and hitting the ground running next fall. And those of us who are perpetually-miserable asshole "realists" can… oh, I don’t know… make babies cry, kick puppies, whatever it is that those people do when they’re not bitching and moaning and doing their best to show everyone else "the truth" as a public service, so that we don’t fall victim to the scourge of optimism, or even worse, joy.

So let’s take a look back, and a look forward. We’ll do this in pieces, because of my short attention span. Damn 1980s MTV! Damn it to hell!

But first, let’s lay a couple of ground rules. We are going to assume the following things to be true:

• That the current Saints management is competent, and that at this point there’s no reason to believe that any wholesale changes to the front office or coaching staff are required. If you can’t get on board with that, then you might as well ball yourself up on the floor in a fetal position and skip the next couple seasons minimum. Because…
  • It ain’t gonna happen
  • Nor should it
• That the Saints are right square in the middle of a "window of contention" here. The future is now. The Saints aren’t rebuilding, they’re trying to win a championship. Planning for 2012 is a non-starter.

Kicker
This one is pretty easy. Everybody knows that The Olindo Mare Experience has been a spectacular failure. But let’s give it a little context, shall we?

Last year the Saints were tied for 18th in field goals made. 
This year? Dead last.

But it’s worse than that. Last year’s team scored 413 total points. This year’s team has scored 59 fewer points. 27 of those 59 points, a whopping 45.76% of the dropoff, are directly attributable to Olindo Mare’s asstacularness vs. John Carney’s 2006 mediocrity.

Give the 2007 Saints’ 10th-ranked scoring team a slightly-below-average kicker, not a great one but just a solid C- like last year, and the Saints are a mere two points away from last year’s #5 ranking. And that doesn’t even count the apparent reluctance to even attempt a field goal this year vs. last year (21 attempts to last year’s 26.)

Or, to put it another way, the Saints scored 25.8 points per game last year. This year? 23.6 ppg. Give the 2007 Saints 2006 production from the kicker, and they score less than 1/2 a point per game below last year.

But is everybody’s favorite excitable little greaseball the answer? Yes. Assuming you’re still hoarding toilet paper and canned meat products in anticipation of the collapse of western civilization as a result of the Y2K bug. Otherwise, hell no.

Marteen was alright in 2002 (this just in… by the time the 2008 Saints kick off, that will have been six years hence) but even then his percentage wasn’t great. It’s just that Tampa tends to attempt field goals by the metric assload. Even in Marteen’s best year, his percentage made is only good for fair to middlin’. He was an average kicker… over a half decade ago. The Saints have had the good fortune of having benefitted from his death rattle last week (in a losing effort.) But to count on him for next year would be ridiculous. He’s done. He’s been done.

Bottom line: The Saints need a new kicker in 2008 in the worst way. Potential free agents include Philly’s David Akers, Seattle’s Josh Brown, Denver’s Jason Elam and the Giants’ Lawrence Tynes, but you have to figure all of those guys will stay where they are. None of them are especially exciting anyway.

In my opinion, the Saints are long overdue to go young at kicker. That’s always risky, but when your baseline is Mare and Gramatica, what’s the downside to taking a shot? How about Louisville’s Art Carmody or Oregon State’s Alexis Serna in the 6th or 7th?

Spilt milk: How nice would it have been to have drafted Mason Crosby last year? Green Bay took him in the 6th. Guh.

Quarterback
Drew Brees shits gold. Walks on water. Allows Chuck Norris to continue to live. Makes love out of nothing at all. No other quarterback in Saints history is worthy of speaking his name. He’ll be 29 in the fall, with 8 years under his belt, and still just getting better and better. He sweats liquid greatness. I think I might be in love with him. And you should be too.

Jamie Martin? Not so much. Not that I have anything against the guy, but he’s just… you know… just kinda there. He’s not the past, he’s not the present, and he sure as hell ain’t the future. He’s the Dave Wilson of guys not named Dave Wilson. He’s a great guy to have around if you don’t want a QB controversy, which was a thing a couple years ago when the new starter was an unknown quantity with a gimpy shoulder. Now? The Saints are QB-controversy-proof for the forseeable future. You’d like to have a developmental prospect here, wouldn’t ya?

Is Der Kommissar that guy? Who the hell knows? What do we know about this guy other than he’s capable of growing one bitchin’ beard, and that he’s probably a big fan of Wolfgang Mozart? Not that both of those things don’t kick ass, because they do, but much like Martin, he sure does seem to be pretty much an afterthought.

Bottom line: As long as Drew is healthy, we’re fine. But as far as we know, there is no Plan B. There probably ought to be, but at this point, you have to figure it’s fairly low on the list of priorities.

I’m just gonna throw this out there for the sake of making a few heads explode… Matt Flynn in the 7th.

Tailback
Another position where theoretically we’re fine. But the real world can be a bitch. 

We’d all like to think that Dulymus will be back next year and better than ever. But do any of us honestly believe it?

We’d all like to think that our favorite Little Superstar  is gonna spend less time getting thrown out of various L.A. skankboxes and more time honing his craft. But do any of us honestly believe it?

We’d all like to think that by the time Reggie gets his first opportunity to sign a contract with the San Diego Chargers or Los Angeles Bills, he’ll have been worth every penny. And until then, Sean Payton won’t be pressured into forcing an "acceptable" return on the investment, regardless of its net effect on the overall effectiveness of the offense. But…

The answer to all three is: "What choice do we have?"

Bottom line: Barring any kind of unforseen parting of the ways with Dulymus, which would be a shame, but we all know it’s coming eventually, you’ve gotta figure we’re rolling with what we’ve got. Which isn’t exactly a depressing thought. Dulymus and Reggie still have the potential to be right at the top of the list of fearsome NFL backfields, and we Saints fans better hope and pray that that pans out.

In a perfect world, Matt Forte will still be available on day 2 for "The Antonio Pittman Pick." But let’s just go out on a limb a little and assume that by draft day, he’ll end up going at the top of the second, and at that point the Saints’ front office hasn’t even given a moment’s thought to offense (we can only hope.)

Want a dark horse bruiser to take a flyer on in undrafted rookie free agency despite a headcase rap? Once again, just for the sake of exploding heads, how about a 6 ft., 250 pound guy out of Missouri Southern State by the name of Alley Broussard?

Next up… whatever positions I feel like going into. Probably wideouts and o-line. Why? Because the first rule of Saints blogging is "Keep ‘em wondering what kinds of creative profanities you’ll come up with when discussing the defense."