Have a grreat day!

And if you’ve got a problem with that?

WARNING: This post is gonna suck. There really oughta be some kind of Viagra for bloggers. Or something. Hey, I get as many spam emails for wang enhancement as the next guy, but they’re never for the kind of wang enhancement I’m in need of right about now.

Originally, I had intended to post a detailed statistical analysis of why Ohio State really doesn’t need to even bother showing up at the Dome on January 7. Seriously, I’ve got spreadsheets and everything. I spent several hours transposing numbers from cfbstats.com into Open Office, then translating numbers into bullet points asserting LSU’s clear statistical dominance going in.

Then a funny thing happened… I realized I was boring the hell out of myself. And I realized I couldn’t subject you good people to that.

Oh sure, I could have jazzed it up a bit. For example, I was going to title it "I think I’m goin’ to Statmandu" which, come on, you have to admit that Bob Seger references just don’t get any more clever than that. Sure, Bob Seger references empirically suck to begin with, but I must confess that it amused the hell out of me.

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Payton: Hi again, guys. Thanks for agreeing to join another teleconference. My balls are really in a vise right about now, and I could really use some advice. They’re really turning the heat up on me, and the Reggie issue is starting to feel like it might be getting out of control.

Carroll: Duuuudes, what’s shakin’? Yeah, that’s my Reggie! Totally out of control! Dude is a party animal. God I miss that guy. I remember this one time we went down to Baja with Matt and we got totally wasted on the beach. Anyway, this chica walks up, and Reggie goes…

Payton: No, Pete. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the local media and the fans down here seem to be starting to turn on him. He really has had a disappointing season, and they’re…

Haslett: Did I not fucking tell you, Sean? Did I not tell you that’s what those assholes would do eventually? They’ll turn on you in a heartbeat. They did the same thing to me & my Top 5 quarterback. These people don’t know how to treat a superstar. They act like once you give them tens of millions of dollars, they’re not supposed to suck. I don’t get it. And then they act like it’s your fault. God I hate them.

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Don’t you know I’m loco?

Insanity. 48 hours of total fucking insanity. Saturday morning: LSU’s coming off a loss. Going into an SEC Championship game that most LSU fans were pretty sure was a 50/50 proposition at best, starting their backup QB. Wondering who the opponent would be in the Cotton or, if we’re lucky, maybe the Cap1 Bowl. In an ironic role-reversal, Kirk Herbstreit, playing the role of internet message board douchebag, informs us that his super-secret "sources" have told him that Coach Miles was headed to Michigan.

About an hour later, I swear I could almost hear Jim Ross saying "My… MY GOD!!! I think that’s…. my God… that’s Coach Miles’ music!!!" Business was about to pick up. I could almost see the pyrotechnics as Coach Miles…. WALKED THAT ISLE (WOOOOOOO!) and, just like that, blew it all sky high. "You have a grrreat day."

The next several hours were a complete blur. Tracy Wolfson… Jonathan Zenon… Bob Stoops… Dave Wannstedt… Jack Daniel… Vladimir Stolichnaya… Lou Holtz’s head exploding. When the smoke cleared, LSU’s 33-6 head coach had spurned his alma mater, for whom he has a permanent and very public hard-on, the Tigers were the SEC Champions and well on their way to the BCS Championship Game. Holy…. shit.

Then Sunday came.

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The time will come
When we will be as one
Gonna feel the jones*
And nobody knows 
how we really feel
They don’t know the deal
We’ve got to put this back together
And sing our word to the mutha
Bringin’ it right back where we started from
And send our word to the mutha

Welcome to the First Annual moosedenied.com Thanksgiving Post, bitches. I wasn’t sure where to go with this little gimmick theme, but lately it occurs to me that it’s high time to show a little appreciation for The Hat.

I don’t know whether or not Coach Miles will be going to Michigan. And neither does anybody else, despite the fact that it seems everybody but me thinks they know. I don’t believe them, and neither should you. But what I do know is that LSU has been damn fortunate to have had Coach Miles here. So thanks, Coach. Thanks for everything. And should you decide, for whatever reasons, that your best option is to stay, thanks in advance for that.

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Don’t look now, but I do believe we’ve got a streak on our hands! It’s gonna be hug and munch all the way to Chicago. Yeah, we bad. Get back now, you don’t want none of this. Or something.

At this point, the Saints are still little more than a tight-assed whitey with some funky threads and a little shoe polish on their face, but you get the sense that their hips are starting to loosen up a bit. Nothing like a home game against a team that’s in worse shape than Ron Mexico’s genitals to keep that process moving right along. Oh, and thanks, Detroit.

Welcome to the soft underbelly of the schedule, bitches. Opponents’ scores before the bye: 41, 31, 31. Since: 16, 17, 16. Saints scores before the bye: 10, 14, 14. Since: 13, 21*, 22. If it weren’t for that abomination of a 4th quarter against Carolina, the Saints would already be back to .500 for the year.

But since that abomination of a 4th quarter did happen, we’ll have to settle for a 2-game winning streak and a game coming up against a team that’s every bit as crappy as Atlanta is. Hey, I’ll take it.

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Payton: Thanks for calling in, guys. I’m up shit creek right about now and I could really use some input on how to right this ship.

Miles: No problem, coach. Happy to help.

Carroll: Duuuuuuuuudes! What’s shakin’? What do you think of the hair, bitches? I’m telling you, that Consuela is a fuckin’ magician! God I look good!

Saban: Les, you still haven’t thanked me for all those recruits, asshole.

Payton: Guys, I’m desperate here. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. We can’t throw, we can’t catch, we can’t run, we can’t kick, we can’t play defense. I’m sinking here, can anybody help?

Carroll: You gotta give the ball to Reggie, brother. Give it to Reggie and light up a j, dude. Regggggeeeeeee. Duuuude.

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