Archive for the ‘NFC South’ Category

Oct
6

We got two more minutes then we’re gonna cut to what you need…

[BradMeltzerFace] What if I told you that the New Orleans Saints currently have the best defense in the NFC South? What if I told you that all indications so far suggest that the second best overall team in the NFC South might very well be the Carolina Panthers? Would it blow your mind? Of course it would, don't deny it. Now, are you ready for the crazy part? It's all true. See what I did there? I just Decoded that for you. [/BradMeltzerFace] Continue Reading…

Aug
12

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole.

Not like you, Brett. Asshole. For seventeen years, while I never really understood what all the fuss was about, I also never wished you any specific harm. Over the last few years, your slow, steady metamorphosis into a flighty, attention-whoring, bigger-than-Jesus, selfish prick hasn’t really bothered me. In fact, it’s been good for the occasional chuckle or two.

Then I went to bed last night thinking how fun it was going to be blogging today about how you were bringing your overrated, coach-killing, non-committed, holier-than-thou, malcontented ass down to the NFC South and proceed to singlehandedly blow up that circus of queers down in Tampa. How you were going to cost them a pick or two, undermine the hell out of whatever credibility Gruden had left in that locker room after he inevitably kicked Fabulous Jeff to the curb, half-ass your way to 7-9 and then retire again in January. For good this time. Unless of course Tampa really, really, really asked nicely. Or would let you go play for someone who did. Oh what fun that would have been. Continue Reading…

Jul
4

2008 NFC South Preview Part 4: New Orleans Saints

There’s no denying that the Saints sucked ass in 2007. They were terrible. 2006 was a fluke resulting from nobody taking them seriously. 2007 exposed the Saints for what they are, a slightly-below-average team with a great QB, exactly one legit wideout, no running game and no defense whatsoever.

So why is it that I’m about to deny all of that?

Could it be because it’s bullshit?

Or is it because I’m a homer? Actually, it’s plenty of both. But let’s focus on the former. Continue Reading…

Jul
7

2008 NFC South Preview Part 3: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

You could say we're pirates. A very specific type of pirate.Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. For the Tampa Bay Bucs, last year was one of those times.

Oh, they were good too. They were about as good defensively as the Saints were offensively. That in and of itself qualifies as pretty "lucky", given that half their defense remembers the Taft administration and the other half doesn’t remember the Reagan administration.

But even more than that, Zeus must really have a boner for Fabulous Jeff, a guy who was spanked by Grover Cleveland on two non-consecutive occasions. Either that or Hera was really trying to stick it to Ganymede. Continue Reading…

Jul
8

2008 NFC South Preview Part 2: Carolina Panthers

Put a little elbow grease into it, Jake.Last year at QB, the Pants started Jake Delhomme, David Carr, Matt Moore, Vinny Testaverde, Rodney Peete, Dameyune Craig, Jack Trudeau, Frank Reich, Steve Beuerlein, and Steve Bono. It got so bad, they were pretty close to calling Chris Weinke. Yikes.

But this year? Jake’s back, bitches! With one of those stringy, impossible-to-chew parts from a Bojangles™ Brand drumstick grafted onto his throwing elbow. And Jeff Otah! And Jonathan Stewart! And the Pants are going to RESTORE THE ROAR this fall! Or something. Right? Continue Reading…

Jul
15

2008 NFC South Preview Part 1: Atlanta Falcons

Suck it, Turk Schonert!This just in: The Falcons still blow.

But hey, five to eight years from now? Watch out, bitches! Atlanta’s got themselves a brand spankin’ new "face of the franchise" in the form of… another overrated ACC quarterback with two first names.

There have been rumors that the selection of Matt Ryan was a big misunderstanding in the first place. Evidently the Falcons’ rep actually told Herr Goodell that they wanted to select Glenn Dorsey, but Goodell thought he said "The Next Ken Dorsey." Continue Reading…

Oct
11

FEAR THIS MAN!!!

Meet Byron Anton "At least he ain’t Joey" Leftwich.

Passing: 2 for 8, 28 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT
Passer rating: 2.1

SMELL THE FEAR! SMELL IT!!!

He is owning you with his eyes, don’t even deny it. The steely resolve, the intensity, the will to win. It cuts right through to your very soul.

In other news, Suzy Kolber is teh preggers. It was just a matter of time. What Joe Namath wants, by God, Joe Namath gets.

Jul
4

Being Joey Harrington Must Really Blow

The Falcons would stand a better chance with Pat HarringtonYou know that you’re not exactly sitting on top of the world when even your staunchest defenders can muster little more than: “Hey, he’s not that bad!”

When page three of the Google Image Search results for your name includes a picture of an assortment of butt plugs.

When the most pressing issue facing your current employer is finding some kind of way, any kind of way, to avoid having to put you on the field.

When your boss is asked how the offense will function with you at the helm, and his response is: Hey, ANYOBDY could run this offense. (…even this schmuck, if, God forbid, it comes to that.)

Oh sure, he has millions of dollars, but… but… wait, what was my point again? Oh, that’s right. Being Joey Harrington must be pretty sweet. Give me tens of millions of dollars and I’ll gladly be a walking joke. Seems to be working out alright for Aaron Brooks. Continue Reading…

Jul
2

Value: It’s… um… complicated and stuff

Loomis overpaid for this banana by three cents. :mad:One of the great things about being a sports fan, a message board guy, or Kenny Wilkerson, is that you get to talk out of your ass about things you really don’t know a whole hell of a lot about.

Even better, when you’re talking out of your ass about sports contracts, you can usually be pretty confident that whomever you’re talking to probably doesn’t know a whole hell of a lot about it either. So if you’re willing to speak in absolutes, present your opinions as facts, and can string together a few reasonably-coherent sentences, chances are you’ll come off like you know what you’re talking about.

But you don’t. Continue Reading…

Jul
9

2007 NFC South Preview Part 4: New Orleans Saints

Which guy's whiter?It seems that about the worst possible label a sports fan can be tagged with in 21st Century America is the dreaded “homer” label.

On the web, it usually appears more like this: “OMGHOMER!!!!1!!!1″

Playing the homer card is the convenient, all-purpose cop-out that opposing fans (as well as perpetually-miserable assholes who like to call themselves “realists”) use to pigeonhole any and all positive projections regarding a given player or team, without having to actually go to the trouble of forming a coherent counterpoint. It’s sort of a sports version of Godwin’s Law, except without the best part of Godwin’s Law: the person who has to resort to it LOSES. Continue Reading…

Jul
2

2007 NFC South Preview Part 3: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

You have no idea where these pinkies and thumbs have been.Down in [tag]Tampa[/tag], they’re expecting a bounce-back year from the [tag]Bucs[/tag] and their brand new bearded quarterback, Fabulous [tag]Jeff Garcia[/tag].

Boy, they’re gonna be pretty pissed off in a couple of months.

It’s not that I don’t think they’ll be an improved team. In fact, I started writing this fully expecting to predict something along the lines of 7 wins for the Bucs this fall.

Fabulous Bearded Jeff should be a significant upgrade from the parade of boobs they ran out there last year. Surely [tag]Cadillac Williams[/tag] is better than the 800 yards and 1 TD he put up last year. [tag]Gaines Adams[/tag] and [tag]Cato June[/tag] ought to be fine additions to an aging defense that gave up 22 points per game last year.

Then I looked at their schedule. Ouch, babe. Continue Reading…

Jul
4

2007 NFC South Preview Part 2: Carolina Panthers

Next stop: buttless chapsThe Pants enter 2007 with just one question that we’ll all agree really isn’t all that important anyway:

Who’s their quarterback?

Ouch.

Oh sure, they’ll tell you that Jake Delhomme is their guy. But they don’t mean it. At least they might not. I don’t think they’re really sure. And that’s a problem. You don’t play it by ear at QB. But it looks like that’s exactly what they’re planning to do.

Jake has been a hell of a QB for the Pants for the last few years, there’s no denying that. But you get the feeling that they’ve always wanted something better. And now that they finally have someone else on the roster who, at least theoretically, doesn’t suck, you have to wonder how long they’ll be able to resist the urge to go with the younger, bigger, stronger former first-pick-overall who still has the “But I was in Houston!” thing taking much of the heat for his underwhelming performance so far. Continue Reading…