Alright stop, collaborate and listen
Georgia Dome’s like a douchebag convention

Somehow the Fightin’ Mike Smiths have managed to go 5-3 and lyrical poet Matty Ice is all of a sudden the hottest thing since Tony Romo.

Must be that 17th ranked 85.4 passer rating. Or perhaps it’s the 22nd ranked 58.6% completion percentage. Or the 21st ranked 207.6 passing yards per game at the helm of the league’s 22nd ranked passing offense. Now that’s what I call lighting up the stage and waxing a chump like a candle.

This weekend, it’s the Saints’ turn to check out the hook while the dee jay revolves it. It’s also the Saints’ chance to finally climb out of the division cellar. Hey, it’s something. Baby steps. Winning this game would put both the Saints and Falcons at 5-4, with the Saints holding the head-to-head for the time being, and perhaps more importantly, a 2-1 division record to the Falcons’ 0-3.

On the surface, it looks like the Saints and Falcons are two teams going in opposite directions. And there’s merit to that point of view, especially if you go by the "Whose roster is Joey Harrington on?" principle.

The truth is that both of these teams are treading water and that’s about it.

Sure, the Falcons look better, if only in that it couldn’t get a whole lot worse. So they’ve got that going for them. Every week that goes by where Matty Ice doesn’t turn into Joey, Byron or Chris Redman is another blessing for Falcons fans to count. It’s hard to imagine Mike Smith (that name again is Mike Smith) ranking as one of the top 3 douchebags ever to hold an NFL head coaching gig, so that’s a plus. Michael Turner appears to be the real deal has a pretty stat line.

But 5-3? Really?

No. It’s a mirage. Or in other words, quick to the point, to the point, they’re fakin’.

Three of the Falcons’ five wins have come at the expense of perennial powerhouses Detroit, Kansas City and Oakland. A fourth came on a 48 yard field goal after Chicago took the lead with 11 seconds remaining and inexplicably squib-kicked on the ensuing kickoff. (Thanks again, Bears. Assholes. I suppose you’re still "finishing what Katrina started" eh? Fuck you.)

On the other hand, the Saints haven’t exactly been slaying Goliath either. San Diego, San Francisco and Oakland. That’s like a PAC 10 schedule, for crying out loud.

The Falcons have precisely one "quality" (3-point) win… against the 4-4 Packers. Who were missing 3/4 of their defensive backfield. And whose quarterback threw for 119 yards more than Matty Ice as Green Bay pretty much mopped the floor with them statistically.

Then again, the Saints have precisely one "quality" (4-point) win against the Bucs in week 1.

If this were the BCS, both teams’ fans would be blowing shit up over the lack of RESPECK(!!!!)™ shown by those biased computers who have them ranked somewhere in the 40s.

Michael "The Burner" Turner has been burnin’ ‘em if they ain’t quick and nimble. (He’s also been known to go crazy when he hears a cymbal, or a high hat with a souped up tempo.) Not that the Saints’ defense will be mistaken for quick and/or nimble anytime soon, but what has Turner really done to secure the league’s #3 ranking in rushing yards?

220 vs. Detroit
104 vs. Kansas City
121 vs. Green Bay
139 vs. Oakland

For the record, those are the 27th, 30th, 31st and 32nd rush defenses in the league. Kinda explains a lot, eh?

Still not convinced? Tampa, Carolina, Chicago and Philly: 42, 56, 54, 58. Yeah.

[Billy Joel Interlude]
Meanwhile, Sean Payton traded in his Chevy for a Pakulak-ak-ak-ak-ak-ak. You ought to know by now. Don’t go buying any Pakulak jerseys now, okay? I’m just sayin’. Is that all you get for your money?
[/Interlude]

The search also continues for a place kicker who can keep his composure when it’s time to get loose. Evidently, Sean Payton was magnetized by Garrett Hartley while he kicked his juice.

Had the bye week not been so unexpectedly eventful for me, I’d have written up yet another punter/kicker rant. This whole situation continues to take big chunks out of my confidence in Sean Payton and Mickey Loomis. I don’t want to blow the situation out of proportion, and I know it’s easy to say "Well, they’re just kickers. Big deal." But in my opinion, it’s a far bigger deal than most people seem to think.

Why? Because in my opinion, it’s a straight up bitch move. It flies in the face of "EARN IT" which couldn’t be more clearly just a bullshit slogan at this point, and it also just screams "We have no plan, we’re playing this by ear" which is pretty much SOP for in-season personnel moves for the last couple years, if not since day one.

Payton flushed two games last year down the toilet waiting for Mare to get his head out of his ass. Then they draft a kicker and don’t give him a legit chance to win the gig in camp for some reason. Then Payton flushes another two games down the toilet again this season waiting for Mare II to get his head out of his ass. Both times, the kickers were not released due to mindbogglingly shitty performance. Both times the kickers were replaced due to "injury." EARN IT indeed.

Then they give Sideshow Mehl all of 3 games. He misses a FG in a win and misses a PAT in another win. A 5 point win in which Mehl scored 7, mind you. And yet they release him for performance. And they’re gonna be in the same position again in the offseason if not much, much sooner than that.

The fact is that neither Weatherford nor Mehlhaff got 1/10th of the opportunity to "work through it" as Payton gives other players who are far, far crappier. It doesn’t matter that they’re "just kickers" (or punters) or how easy people think it is to get an adequate one off the street. It’s some two faced bullshit on Payton’s part. He’ll probably end up bringing Gramatica back next year to flush another couple of games down the toilet.

Weatherford was released without a replacement, same with Graham and Mehlhaff. Oh I know they had a bye week and they got a couple of other chumps in here for the time being. Doesn’t matter. Payton’s got far more pressing issues to deal with, and instead he’s doing busywork re: the kicking situation. All because they’ve got no plan whatsoever and they can’t seem to solve this situation that they created.

And it’s not just the kickers either. Week 1 last year they release Palko to carry Fred Thomas, who they immediately turned around and made inactive for the game in order to carry 5 active tight ends. I mean, what the hell? Good thing they had Ronnie Ghent available for that one! Doesn’t matter that it was "just Palko." It was some crazy chicken with its head cut off, we have no idea what’s going on type shit.

The Billy Miller/Buck Ortega/Matt Lehr merry go round. The Copper-as-3rd-QB/Harrington/Roby craziness. I know that the bottom of the roster churns for everybody, but not like this. It’s so arbitrary and willy nilly, with no discernable method to the overwhelming madness. They’re making this shit up as they go along, and that’s a very big deal.

If there was a problem, yo, they’ll solve it. Eventually. Maybe. How’s that defense working out for ya?

Oh it just pisses me off so much. Because it’s going to cost the Saints the season. Again.

Yeah yeah, I know. The Saints are only two games behind Carolina (pending tiebreakers) with eight remaining. Plenty of time to take the division, right? We just need a little help.

Unfortunately, could it be any clearer at this point that the help isn’t coming?

Carolina already has three "coulda gone either way" wins, and their next two opponents are Detroit and Oakland. Hello 8-2. Then Atlanta and Green Bay. Even if the Saints go 3-1 over their next 4 games, they’ll be lucky to make up any ground at all.

I suppose it’s conceivable that the Saints could pass Tampa. But 3 of Tampa’s last 7 opponents are Detroit, San Diego and Oakland. Even if Tampa goes 3-4 the rest of the way, the Saints will have to go 5-3 to beat them out on the head to head tiebreaker for the second wild card.

And even that requires help from the opponents of Dallas, Green Bay, Philly, and two teams who already hold head to head tiebreakers over the Saints (Washington and Minnesota.)

So… uh… yeah. Still screwed. This season is killing my brain like a poisonous mushroom.

But hey, beating the shit out of the Falcons in their house ought to be good for a few chuckles, eh?

Prediction: Saints 42, Falcons 13