Where y'at, brah? Been a while. Say, if you've got a couple minutes, mind if I fix you up a Mid City Mule or three and have a word?

Look, man, I know I've been a bit of a dick this year. I'm not proud of it, but there's no sense in denying it. In my defense, it's been one hell of a crappy year for us Saints fans, and there's been an awful lot to be pissed off about. But I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. Fuckin' Roger, am I right? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You've always been cool like that. That's why you're my boy. High five! Anyway, I hate to ask, but I was wondering if you might do a brother a solid over here. I'm not just asking for me, I'm asking for all of us. I'd be happy to pay you back by trashing that "Elf On The Shelf" douche on the internets if you want. That work for ya?

I'm assuming here that Annual Gift Man knows that the Mayans were full of shit, right? (Yeah, I know. Apparently it's "Maya" and not "Mayans" but screw them. I've tried "Maya" and the person I'm talking to always thinks I'm about to start talking about the WNBA and immediately tunes me out.) I mean, clearly they pulled that calendar right out of their ass. And don't even get me started on the Hopi Indians.

Really? Oh shit, dude. My bad. I didn't realize your paran is one-sixteenth Hopi. Here, let me top you off… we cool? Nice. Alright, moving on…

So here's the thing, I'm sure Santa probably thinks we Saints fans are a bunch of jerks right about now. I was just hoping that you might be kind enough to put a good word in for us, you know? Explain to him that he really ought to look beyond his stat sheet here.

Because, hell, it's not like we haven't been provoked. We've been getting screwed left and right over here. Over and over again, all year long. Surely he couldn't have expected us to keep our cool through all this, right?

I mean, between Roger and Duncan and Prisco and Smirkin' Skip & Screamin' A and Greg Aiello and Mary Jo White?

I'm just sayin'… dude… Sean Pamphilon. Seriously, Sean fuckin' Pamphilon!!!

So I just think we really deserve a break here. I know we haven't exactly been very nice about it all. But come on, how the hell were we supposed to react to all these assholes?

So I was thinking maybe you could just talk us up a little and convince Santa to go ahead throw a little something nice in our general direction anyway? It might sound like a big ole pain in the ass at first, but honestly, I'm really not asking for much here. Let me just whip out this here list of demands requests real quick so I don't miss anything…

Okay, first thing is we'd really appreciate it if Santa could drop a Cardinals win over the Bears on us this weekend. It probably sounds like that'd be nothing short of a miracle, but it really shouldn't be too hard. I know Arizona is 5-9 and they pretty much blow. But they're at home, and they beat the shit out of the Lions last week. Ken Whisenhunt, who seems like a decent dude, seems to think they haven't quit. And if that's true then I think the Cardinals deserve the win, because that's more than can be said about the Bears.

Chicago's lost 5 of their last 6, including their last 3, and are in the midst of a full-blown implosion. Also, they're a bunch of assholes. I mean, does anyone not hate Jay Cutler's perpetually-pouting ass? Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs have spent the last two weeks crying over their own fans booing them. Surely Santa has had just about enough of these pricks. It shouldn't take more than a handful of well-timed turnovers, and Cutler's probably gonna do most of the work himself.

An added benefit here that maybe you could remind him of is that it would spread one hell of a thick, viscous layer of that good ole yuletide cheer all over a whole lot more people than just us. Everybody wants to see these chumps crash and burn. Seriously, kids in Finland would be rejoicing over it. Think of the children, man! The children! I don't think there are too many people out there who wish the Cardinals any specific harm. But nobody likes the fuckin' Bears.

I'm pretty confident that the Saints, Ravens and Texans can take care of the rest on their own this weekend. So I won't bother you with all that. But I suppose you never know. So if y'all could keep an eye out just in case, that'd be great. Do keep in mind that Adrian Peterson is probably gonna win the MVP, and Christian Ponder just married ESPN's super-hot Samantha Steele. So they've already made out like bandits this here holiday season. And the Giants just won the Super Bowl back in February, so they ought to be set for a while, don't you think?

Anyway, I can promise you that we Saints fans will be super-nice all next week, spewing that Christmas cheer from every orifice and whatnot, if y'all could hook us up on that. Santa will be incredibly proud of us, honest. And after being reminded of how nice we can be, I'm sure he'll totally want to hook us up in week 17 as well.

Again, nothing too difficult here. The Saints, Packers and Seahawks will hopefully do most of the heavy lifting. But the Bears are gonna have to lose again, for all the same reasons we just talked about. I mean, seriously, what a bunch of douchebags. And Calvin Johnson and Free Credit Report dot com Guy deserve better than 4-12, they seem like nice enough dudes. I love that line about "Haters best get to bloggin'…" That cracks my ass up every time. It's funny because it's true.

Washington is gonna have to beat Dallas too. But I seem to recall you telling me a while ago that Santa hates Jerry Jones anyway because he injects stem cells harvested from newborns into his face on a weekly basis. Also there was that whole thing when Jerrah wouldn't let Santa into the stadium unless he bought two tickets, due to his considerable girth. That was just plain rude. So, yeah, screw them right? Right.

Then we're gonna need Philly to beat the Giants. Now let me just point out once again that the Giants won the Super Bowl just ten months ago. They'll get over it. Meantime, Andy Reid is about to get fired, and he's had one hell of a rough year his own self. Dude could use a little something. Plus, aren't Andy and Santa half-brothers from a couple of their dad's sister-wives back in Utah? Pretty sure that's true. I'm sure Santa wouldn't want to piss off the Elders back home. Also, perhaps you could remind him that that asshole who used to serially rape and murder innocent dogs won't be playing, so there's really no reason to concern himself with any kind of moral dilemma here.

See? It's not like I'm asking for the world here. Just a little help setting into motion the most improbable playoff run in human history, that's all. No big deal.

It would make us incredibly happy. And really, wouldn't Santa agree that we deserve it after all the bullshit we've had to deal with this year?

It would also stick it to a bunch of jackasses. And Santa has a longstanding reputation for being all about sticking it to jackasses. People don't talk about it much, preferring to focus on his generosity and general-purpose jolliness. But we've all heard the stories of his affinity for vigilante justice as well. We Saints fans are counting on that right about now.

We're also counting on his legendary sense of humor. Because would it not be absolutely BATSHIT FUCKIN' INSANE?!? Seriously, just think about it. The Saints sneak into the playoffs riding a three-game win streak, and thanks in no small part to a solid month of ridiculously improbable help from pretty much every other team the league? After starting 0-4 and then falling to 5-8? Would Santa not enjoy the living hell out of that? It would be the single craziest storyline in NFL history. Heads would explode!

The Saints would handle the rest themselves, so Santa could just sit back and enjoy the unprecedented wackiness from the relative comfort of his man cave (which, as I recall, is an actual cave.) And it would only get more entertaining from there, I promise.

Because unlike 2009, this time, it's personal.

Which brings up another thing. Now look, I don't want to get greedy here or anything. Honest. I'm just sayin' though, if Santa really wants to maximize the value of his entertainment dollar, he might want to consider this here scenario…

Green Bay wins out to go 12-4 and take the 2nd seed. San Francisco loses either one of their last two, or both. That makes the 49ers and Seahawks the 3rd and 5th seeds, depending on what Seattle does over the last two games. But it doesn't really matter which is the 3rd and which is the 5th. It works either way.

The Saints either go to San Francisco in the wildcard round to finally avenge that abomination back in January, or they go to Seattle and Chris Ivory goes all Marshawn on 'em right up their poop chute, avenging that other abomination from January 2011. And in the process, the Saints finally prove that they can win a damn road playoff game.

Also in either case, from there, it's on to the Georgia Dome to take on the Falcons and KILL AND/OR AFFECT THEIR FUCKING SOULS.

And then in the NFC Championship Game, they finally get to settle the score against whichever one of San Francisco or Seattle was fortunate enough to have dodged the Saints two weeks prior in the wildcard round.

San Francisco, Atlanta and Seattle. All right in a row. All on the road. It would be a hell of a lot more righteous than even the incredible Warner/Favre/Manning run of January/February 2010. Because it's personal. There's a shitload of unfinished bidness here. Catharsis to be had. Vengeance to be reaped. Jerks to stick it to.

And it doesn't stop there. Oh, no sir. Because then it's back home to the Benz™ to slay the biggest assdragon of them all.

At which point Roger completely loses control of his bowels. Surprise, motherfucker!

Bingle, brah, can you even imagine how gloriously entertaining that would be? It'd be a goddamn bona fide Christmas Miracle! Dude, do you not agree that this must happen?

All we need is a little hookup over the next couple weekends and everybody wins.

Everybody wins.

Except the assholes. They lose. They all lose. All of 'em.

We go way back, man. But I understand if you don't want to do it just for me. Then do it for NOLA. Do it for the sake of Justice. Do it for the children! Do it because it would be the most entertaining thing ever. Do it for the sake of sticking it to assholes. Do it because you know as well as I do that it's the right thing to do.

We deserve it.

And so does Roger.

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