Know what’s great about the Falcons? Lately, everything they touch turns to shit. From the top down, this franchise is an absolute gold mine of unintentional comedy. Last night it reached a new level of hilarity as Arthur Blank actually mused out loud on national tee vee about whether or not Michael Vick would get a hold of too much fried chicken while in prison.

Let’s pause while you laugh your balls off. Again.

Seriously? Did he actually just say that? Out loud? On national tee vee? No fucking way, there’s no way he just said that. Oh Mr. Blank, no… you… di’int. The Honorable Minister Farrakhan is probably printing out driving directions to your synagogue as I type this. I mean… dude… seriously. Dude.

Meanwhile, Joe Horn took a short break from bitching and moaning about anything and everything to stick the final dagger into the Saints’ playoff hopes. To the tune of 2 receptions for 8 yards. In a 20-point home loss. Love ya, Hollywood. Eat a bowl of dicks.

I seriously can’t remember any single sporting event as chock full of comedy as last night’s game. It was just one thing after another for four solid hours.

For the appetizer, you had ESPN running one of those emotion-porn "human interest" pieces… on one of Michael Vick’s dogs. I shit you not. I mean, hey, I love doggies. Love ‘em to death. But, seriously, come on Bristol. I bet the poor pup was just three days from retirement too.

Then there was Roger Cossack telling ESPN that Vick probably could have gotten off lighter than he did, but… you know… bringing a bong with him to the hearing probably didn’t help his case. Seriously, Mike, dude. I love a good bowl of cheeba as much as the next guy, but you’ve gotta put that shit down when you’re… you know… pulling up to a fucking courthouse!

Then Suzy Kolber reminds us that while Vick was busy asking the warden why he can’t get no Popeyes up in this bitch, Joey Harrington and Byron "At Least He Ain’t Joey" Leftwich had been benched in favor of Chris "At Least He Ain’t Joey Or Byron" Redman, otherwise known as "Plan L", and that Steve Bartkowski was suiting up in the locker room in case of a Redman injury.

Why Redman? Because apparently he’s the only person on the face of the earth who doesn’t hate Bobby Petrino’s guts. Redman only hates esurance dot com and those jackasses who offer a free autographed picture of Wilford Brimley with every term life policy requiring no physical exam and no health questions.

To be fair to Petrino though, Joe Horn doesn’t hate Petrino’s guts either. Joe Horn is too busy hating Sean Payton’s guts, because Joe Horn feels like Sean Payton didn’t show Joe Horn enough respeck™ for who Joe Horn used to be. I mean, this is the guy who singlehandedly forced The Old Man to bring the Saints back to New Orleans after the Federal Flood. Don’t believe me, just ask Joe.

Joe Horn totally marched onto The Old Man’s sprawling San Antonio estate — barefoot, in the west Texas snow, uphill, both ways, while dodging guard dogs who shoot bees out of their mouths – and by God DEMANDED that the Saints be returned to New Orleans. Joe Horn even volunteered to toss FEMA off the grounds of the training facility his own self. Hell, Joe Horn offered to pay The Old Man’s $5/yr rent check on the place.

Joe Horn was putting up 1000 yard seasons back when Sean Payton was some chump "passing game coordinator." What the hell is a "passing game coordinator" anyway? Joe Horn was a fuckin’ superstar, and Joe Horn demands to be treated, and paid, accordingly. How dare you ask Joe Horn to be paid according to Joe Horn’s current level of production? How dare you come in here and treat Joe Horn like Joe Horn isn’t the superstar that Joe Horn is? And how dare you grant Joe Horn’s request to be released?

And how dare you, Saints fans, boo #87 in the colors of your most heated longstanding rival? That hurts Joe Horn to the very core of Joe Horn’s soul. Joe is heartbroken you’d do Joe Horn like that after all Joe Horn has done out of love for you. Yes, you. Personally. Joe Horn loves you. Always has, always will. Joe Horn would have played for free for you. Joe Horn would give you his fuckin’ kidney if you asked him in an email. And that’s how you’re gonna treat Joe Horn? Joe Horn has to wonder if you even deserve to bask in the greatness of Joe Horn. Joe Horn thinks not.

Hey Hollywood, love ya bro, but damn. When did you turn into such a whiny bitch? Get over it.

At this point, I’ve been laughing my balls off for close to two hours, and the game hasn’t even started yet. Outstanding. Hey look, Drew’s wearing gold pants! Oh we’re so kicking the Falcons’ asses now. The color of the pants is second only to turnover margin….

First offensive play for the Saints, and Sean Payton shows once again why this guy… this is my kind of guy. You’ve got to be shitting me… the reverse? THE reverse? BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Sean Payton, you magnificent bastard! What, you didn’t feel like going to the trouble of dropping trou and telling us all to pick a cheek? Or were you saving that for later, next time you see Finney?

A couple series later… oh, I see. This is gonna be one of those days where Drew Brees is just going to shit gold for several hours. Nice. I love it when that happens. Ever wonder if, when Drew is having one of those days, it ever occurs to him to concentrate really hard and see if he can actually fly? Or produce ham out of thin air? Something like that? Because you never know…

Oh great, Arthur Blank is in the booth with Tirico, Jaws and that other guy. Just lovely. Here comes a half hour of boo hooing about the Falcons’ nine separate misfortunes. New-Testament-God must really hate that franchise. And ESPN must really be hellbent on boring me to the point of shoving a screwdriver in my throat.

Wait a minute… what did he just say?

No, seriously, what the fuck did Arthur Blank just say? He couldn’t have… he just… no way. No fucking way. Dude, rewind that about 15 seconds.

Holy shit, he did! He…. dude, rewind that again! Wait, nevermind… Ameritrade… NOW! Home Depot. Sell. DO IT NOW, DO IT!!!! HURRY!!!!

I like Chris Reis because in my world his nickname is "Reeeees Nuuuuuts!" Oh, and stopping Roddy White at the 3-inch line, in bounds, as time expires in the first half is pretty cool too. Thanks, Chris. David Robbins has had your back from day one. Which isn’t necessarily to say you should kill yourself. You’ve gotta live, man! Live!!!! We all have our crosses to bear.

Know what’s great about Monday Night Football halftime? Having a remote handy. Yeah yeah, rumbling fumbling stumbling… etc.

They must have been showing Berman on the big screens at the Georgia Dome too, because all of a sudden there are about 15 people left in the stands. Holy crap. But they’re gonna miss Hollywood setting it off and shoving his superstardom down Sean Payton’s throat once and for all. Come on Falcons fans, the chickens are gonna come home to roost. Roost!

Hey, it’s a Pierre Thomas sighting! Somebody want to explain to me why he’s not taking those handoffs from Jamie Martin?

What’s this? It’s BREAKING NEWS from Herbstreit. What the hell? Evidently Les Miles’ phone started ringing about 10 seconds ago. Miles answered! And it was somebody from MICHIGAN! And Miles didn’t hang up! Holy shit! He spoke to the caller! Uh huh, see, we told you! ESPN has been trying to tell you bastards but you wouldn’t listen! HE ANSWERED THE PHONE! Michigan called him and he picked up the fucking receiver! How you like us now, ESPN haters? We knew it all along! (Wait… what do you mean they were just collecting alumni club dues? Shut up, asshole, we’re on the air! Oh I’m so kicking your… ) Guys, this situation is really fluid, but we’re on top of it. We’ll let you know as soon as Miles signs that Michigan contract. Should be only a matter of minutes now….

Well, that was fun. Too bad about last week. And the first four weeks. And those two weeks right there in the middle with the Rams and Texans. And the post-Mora/pre-Payton years. And the "war" in Iraq. And Rosie O’Donnell’s continued existence. And holiday-season temp UPS dudes with substandard work ethics. And Tony Romo. And NFL realignment.

Oh sure, the Saints are totally gonna win out. And the Vikings aren’t. Right? RIGHT????

No.

But the Buccaneers are going to lose out. They just have to, don’t they? I mean, son of a bitch. They should be riding a 3-game losing streak right now. (Except Fabulous Jeff, who’s riding something else altogether.) They should have lost to the Titans and Cardinals.

For crying out loud, how many of these could they possibly have in them in one season? (Don’t answer that, Jeff. I’m pretty sure you misunderstood the question.)