I’ve been drivin’ all night, my hand’s wet on the wheel
There’s a voice in my head that drives my heel
It’s Coach Payton callin’, says "I need you here!"
And it’s half past four and I’m shifting gear

And you thought the Saints’ kicking situation couldn’t get any more ridiculous. You have to wonder what was so fuckin’ urgent back in March that it required Garrett Hartley to drive overnight from Dallas to New Orleans with, apparently, not a moment to spare to stop at a convenience store for some Trucker’s Choice. Did he space on the date? "Oh shit, dude, I’ve gotta be at work in like 8 hours! In New Orleans!"

Ever the quick thinker, Garrett had the brilliant idea of bumming some of that Ivy League Crack from his frat brother Kegmeister Jeff, and quicker than you could say "You’re sure these aren’t the roofies, right?" he was eastbound & down, loaded up and truckin’. No word on whether he had time to put on some pants and wash off the body glitter.

Now, call me cynical, but I’m not sure I buy it. I’m not saying he crushed it up between two spoons and snorted it through a rolled up c-note off the bare ass of a Haitian tranny while wearing a full length fur and a purple fedora with a peacock feather sticking out of it. That kind of thing is really more Marteen’s style.

I’m just sayin’. It’s been less than 48 hours and we’ve already gone from "I had no idea it was on the banned list" to "I knew full well that I’d be totally fucked if they asked me to piss in a cup when I got there."

But yeah, I’m sure it was just a one-time thing. I know that whenever I have juuuust enough time to make an 8-hour overnight drive to get to work, the first thing I do is to check with my college buddies and see if they’ll let me bum some prescription pills that my body’s never been exposed to before.

You know, to keep me awake. Overnight. On the interstate. What could possibly go wrong?

TehReelJShock: lol who was that dude who said liquored up idiot kicker that 1 time that shit was classic we got a loaded up idiot kicker lol chad hartley what a dumbass dude stick 2 tequila u cant get busted 4 that and its great

So here we are, at the end of Sean Payton’s fourth offseason. The team has spent four draft picks on kickers and punters over that span, and we’re all set to start the season with… the kicker who was here in the first place. A couple more shanked punts and they’ll probably be trying to get Mitch Berger on a plane. (Note to Mitch: Take the flight, don’t drive.)

Guh.

In other news, Jason David still blows.

Shocking, I know. So much for LatinTeacher‘s pro bowl predictions for good ole #29.

For as hard as Message Board Guy tried to prove Pete Finney right after the game with his rapid-fire wailing and gnashing of teeth, his best work came while trying to lay the blame for David’s continued ball-licking on Gregg Williams. No, seriously, he actually typed that shit out.

See, apparently Gregg Williams is such a dumbass, he totally doesn’t realize that a 5 foot nothing corner who sucks balls shouldn’t be assigned to cover a couple wideouts who are 6 foot 4 and 6 foot 1 and don’t suck balls. My god, he’s as dumb as Hartley! The only logical conclusion is that Williams thinks David is the best corner on the roster, and clearly intends to keep putting him out there against the opponent’s best wideout all year long.

And as I type that, word comes down that Jason David has been released. Good call, Message Board Guy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I had planned on this post being a lot longer, but in light of this recent development, I really should go find a fresh pair of pants, and/or dance a merry jig, in no particular order.

Our long local nightmare is finally over. (This specific nightmare, that is.)

I’ll try to touch on some other current events as soon as my gushing euphoria stops oozing all over the damn place.

Meantime, do feel free to share your own stories of your favorite moments of the Jason David Era. It’s been one hell of a ride, Jason. Rest assured, you won’t soon be forgotten.