Welcome to the first installment of moosedenied’s newest gimmick feature, which we’ve mysteriously entitled Glenn Frey Is An Asshole.

Periodically, we’ll pause to take a look at the current status of each of our heroes (and Jason David) individually and serve up the relevant information in convenient individually-wrapped snack-sized portions for busy professionals on the run.

We here at moosedenied have no idea whether or not Glenn Frey is actually a bonafide asshole. All visual evidence suggests that he probably is, and there has to be some reason someone out there typed the phrase into Google and inexplicably somehow ended up here. Bea’s Head was so happy when she checked the logs and found someone who found this place by searching for something other than Kenny Wilkerson (Hi Kenny!) or nudie pics of one of the bandwagon chicks. So here’s to you, Timothy B Schmitt. Huzzah!

Remi Ayodele – Remi was released yesterday for some chump corner, but he’ll be back. He has one tackle on the year, which puts him one up on Jason David. Hiyoooo! He’s also cool because his name contains the word "yodel". But the "yo" is silent, as if he comes from a family of rapping mimes.

Drew Brees - I think it’s funny that every time he has a less-than-stellar game, Message Board Guy crawls out from under his rock to plead "Why does Drew always get a pass from the fans when he has a bad game?!?!?" The answer is obvious. Clearly, as is implied, it’s racism. With a bit of an assist from the fact that HE HAPPENS TO BE A GOD and no player in this franchise’s history has ever played at as high a level as Drew has. And he’s been doing it for almost three years now, nonstop. And then there’s Drew The Dude. You know how sometimes a person is just too fucking perfect and it makes you want to puke? Polite, compassionate, humble, charitable, genuine, intelligent, well-spoken, just unbelievably great in every way? And it just makes you want to kick that person right in the genitals? Not Drew. I think I want to give him a big girlie kiss. Figuratively, of course. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Jammal Brown – This guy is far too big and mean to be this useless. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not completely useless. Just largely useless. At least Drew’s not taking helmets to the kidneys on a weekly basis. Yet. Remember back when this guy was pretty freakin’ good? Good times. When you think about it, he’s really only lost two things… his knees and any trace of discipline.

Mark Brunell – This just in: his daughter is still hot. Yo Mark, sorry about that election there. Chin up, big guy.

Josh Bullocks – How bad has the safety situation gotten for the Saints? People are actually mumbling under their breaths that maybe this guy ought to be playing.

Reggie Bush – Not since college had Reggie been making people go "Daaaaaaaaaamn!" as frequently as he was earlier this season. Then he busted up a knee. Then he went to Vegas in a fiendish plot to piss off the organization enough to trade him to wherever Kim wants to spend her winters. Then he attended some kind of jet-setting Halloween party. Then he played with a Wii. Then he text messaged some chump on a message board and told him that he was engaged. And then Kim totally said "Nu uh!" on her blog. And everybody was all like "OMG no she di’int!" Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for driver’s ed and if I get detention, mom will totally ground me.

Jermon Bushrod – He’s still huge. His last name still makes me giggle. Apparently he played in week 3 at Denver. High five!

Mark Campbell – He has two more touchdown receptions than Shockey. Guh.

Jeff Charleston – He had one tackle against Atlanta. Same as Will Smith. Outstanding. It would be the coolest thing in human history if he were to get a sack and do the Charleston. The whole thing. He’d be a legend. Screw the 15 yards, we’ve got Garrett Hartley, bitches!

Kendrick Clancy – 24 total tackles, 19 solo, 2 sacks and 2 passes defended. That’s right, folks. The most productive player on the NEW AND IMPROVED Yaw Yaw defensive line is a 30 year old 9 year vet on his fourth team, who was picked from the scrap heap before last season. Way to go, Coach O.

Marques Colston – I’m glad he’s healthy again so that the Saints can use the rest of the season to showcase him and trade him in the offseason. Message Board Guy convinced me that it would be a brilliant move. See, because he’s clearly injury prone. And Drew can make any wideout an all pro. And we need to make room for future hall of famers Robert Meachem and Adrian Arrington. And you know they’re gonna draft three more wideouts in April. Trade him for a Herschel Walker-esque package of picks, Loomis! Because clearly he’s objectively worth that, and GMs are always making those kinds of deals. Shoulda done it while Matt Millen was still around. Message Board Guy is the only one smart enough to realize that passing teams get better by trading their best wideouts. It’s as easy and lucrative as flipping houses! Buy for a 7th, sell for a whole draft. It’s so simple!

Jason David - If you ever need to induce vomiting, remind yourself that this dude has a Super Bowl ring and Drew Brees doesn’t.

Jo-Lonn Dunbar – Undrafted rookie, check. Is a linebacker, check. Name is kinda cool, check. Has made a couple of decent hits on special teams, check. Has a bitchin’ "I done knocked that sucka craaaaazy, put me on Sportscenter!" gesture, check. Cult hero in the making. Clearly this guy ought to be starting. He’s a beast, I tells ya.

Sedrick Ellis – Hasn’t yet had the kind of impact most of us were hoping for, but he’s gonna be a good one.

Jahri Evans – The Saints’ best offensive lineman by far. Really his only fault is that he’s probably the reason for the Saints’ draft strategy of "When all else fails, take the dude from East Central Bumfuck A&I."

Troy Evans - Hands down the second best guy on the team named Evans. I once read a post on a message board where the guy totally "broke down the film" on Evans and concluded that he has fluid hips and is strong at the point of attack. Which totally sounds like something a coach would say, so I’m sure he was right.

Scotty Badass – You can’t have all pros at every position. You need guys like Fujita. He might not be a world-beater, but he sure as hell isn’t an albatross. He plays his ass off every week, and he doesn’t try to bullshit the fans through the media. Without the Asian Assassin, the Saints probably lose in week 1 and start the season 0-3.

Former LSU Player Randall Gay – He’s on pace to be right around his career highs in all the stats. So he’s got that going for him. Then again, he hasn’t had much of a career. He doesn’t have any INTs, but that probably has something to do with the fleur on his helmet. He has the second longest name on the team behind Tracy Porter From Port Allen LA. You’d think that at some point, local reporters would get tired of typing that out every single time.

Aaron Glenn – What’s up with the Saints and dudes who have two first names? Aaron Glenn, Jason David, Pierre Thomas, Charles Grant, Marvin Mitchell and Kendrick Clancy. Holy shit. And for all I know, Olaniyi Sobomehin might belong on that list.

Jonathan Goodwin – Remember when he and Ana Lucia went off alone and they shared a fruit of some kind, and then she told him that she knew he wasn’t on the plane, and then they had a big fight and she impaled him on a sharp stick? And then later we found out that he had been banging Juliet? And Tommy Gavin’s ex and Ben got all pissed off? That was cool.

Roman Harper – Meh. Half of Saints fans think this guy is great and the other half think he sucks. I’m not sure how anybody thinks they can really tell one way or the other. Seems to me he’s just kinda… there. Kinda like the Saints defense as a whole.

Joey Harrington – Joey’s so good, he was signed off the street in week 3 to sit behind a guy who’s older than the head coach. And only after the guy who had been filling that role — a wide receiver — suffered an injury. That’s gotta look good on a former first rounder’s résumé. On the other hand, it’s a better gig than starting for Detroit.

Garrett Hartley – He’s 2 for 2 so far on field goals, which puts him above Sideshow Mehl. And he’s not Marteen Gramatica, which puts him above Marteen Gramatica.

Jack Hunt – He was the Saints’ most productive wideout over the first half of the season, and the only reason it’s even really close is because Lance Moore gets thrown to more than twice as often. He also runs one hell of a reverse. It’s just a matter of time until Message Board Guy is installing the Wildcat with Devery taking the snaps. Because what this team really needs is for Drew Brees to be on the field less.

Kevin Houser – The only guy left who was there when Hakim dropped the ball. The Saints have never ever ever won a playoff game without him. We’re so fucked when this guy retires or pisses off Sean Payton, whichever comes first.

Kevin Kaesviharn – It’s amazing how good the Saints are at improving the team by adopting former Bengals. Curtis Keaton, Brian Simmons, this guy. I’d offer Jeff Blake as the exception which proves the rule, but it was the inability of Blake’s ankle to hold up to the force of a dirty play by Lance Johnstone that set the Aaron Brooks Experience into motion. Still, Blake was great from the shins up, so we forgive him. There was also Willie Jackson. There must have been some crazy shit going on with the cosmos back in 2000. It’s the only reasonable explanation.

Mike Karney – One word: Underutilized.

Antwan Lake – Did you know that he’s from Delaware? I bet George Thorogood is well aware of that fact.

Matt Lehr – Only the Saints could carry this dude on their roster for most of the season, and have a banned-substances scandal hit that doesn’t involve him. Seriously, that could only happen to the Saints.

Alright, I just realized that I’m only about halfway through this, and if I go any farther, it’s gonna be ridiculously long. Hell, there are only about 3 of you who are going to get all the way through what’s already here. So we’re gonna go ahead and call this "Part I" and we’ll pick up with Dulymus in Part II.

Eh? Eh? See what I’m doing there? I’m splitting it up into multiple parts. That way, it doubles the hits and clicks and whatnot. Score! I’m so gonna get rich doing this. Somehow. The dude on the infomercial was right!

So be sure to check back for Part II: Dulymus through Usama. I promise gripping Glenn Pakulak and Courtney Roby action!