Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside.

Cha-ching, bitches! One more for the Bad Guys.

The only thing missing was Chris Ivory busting a bottle upside Ndamukong Suh's head. But we'll forgive that minor omission for the sake of avoiding the suspension. Besides, the Saints displayed more than enough "lack of class" to satisfy — scoring 5 touchdowns on 5 second-half possessions before driving to Detroit's 2 and taking a knee — without having to resort to their typical "dirtyness" anyway. Am I right, Prisco?

I've gotta admit though, I was jonesin' for that 50-burger. Meh, I guess 45 points in three quarters will just have to do. For now.

I mean, it's not like they could only muster 2 points in four quarters of a playoff game or anything. Can you even imagine how embarrassing something like that would be? Think of how mercilessly they'd mock us on Twitter! Am I right, #Rodney?

So much for Atlanta's so-called "Ferrari Offense." You know what they say about a dude who drives a Ferrari, right? He can't win a playoff game to save his teeny tiny little dong. Where y'at, #MartyIce?

(I guess the silver lining for the Falcons is that nobody much gives a shit. Not their players, not their fans, damn sure not the rest of the sports world. So they've got that going for 'em.)

Fortunately for us, the Saints opted instead to go with the Benz Offense. As in, "Just a matter of time until it Benz you over."

Don't believe me, just ask Detroit. Or just about anyone else.

You've gotta tip your hat to Detroit. They were able to delay the inevitable for a half, which is more than most opponents can boast here lately. That dude from the Free Credit Report dot com ads is pretty freakin' good, and Calvin Johnson is an absolute animal. They might very well have kicked the shit out of any other team in this year's playoff field Saturday night. They damn sure would have handed the Falcons' teeny tiny little dongs to 'em.

Unfortunately for them, the second half in particular was more like an act from some kind of ass-backwards Roman tragedy, in which the Lions were fed to the Christians. IRONY!

JEDEDIAH GABRIEL COLLINS, BITCHES!

The story going in was that the Saints didn't get the Lions' best shot last time. Suh was out, Delmas was out, Fairley went out early, Detroit shot themselves in the foot on several non-consecutive occasions and Megatron was largely held in check. Jason Hanson missed two field goals, they were penalized 11 times for 107 yards, and on and on like that.

The result: a 14-point loss.

BUT… Detroit outgained the Saints, Free Credit Report dot com Guy threw for more yards than Drew did, they made Legatron punt four times, and the Lions had time of possession by more than 10 minutes. This time was gonna be different.

And they were right. This time was different. By a lot. This time Suh, Delmas and Fairley played the whole game. Stafford was on fire. Megatron set it off to the tune of 12 for 211. They were up 14-10 at the half, rather than being down 24-7. They were 4 for 4 in the red zone. The officials took it easy on 'em this time, penalizing them a downright paltry (by their standards) 7-for-64. They produced two takeaways. This time, the Saints did get Detroit's best shot.

The result: A 17-point loss.

Be sure to pour a 40 on the curb sometime today for Detroit's crushed souls. Hope they savored that halftime lead.

But hey, buck up, Detroit. It could have been worse. Far worse. But you already knew that, didn't ya?

At least you're not Atlanta. High five! You didn't drop a deuce against the 4 seed, your quarterback doesn't literally soil his pants in the middle of a game, and your best wideout isn't the single biggest douchebag in the NFL.

Might wanna do something about that creepy-ass Cro-Magnon head coach of yours though, what with all the invasion of personal space and way too much eye contact and whatnot. Just sayin'. Am I right, Michelle Tafoya? Hell, even my arm hair was standing on end. *shiver* You thought Brad Childress was creepy? This dude…

But hey, fuck Detroit. Just another victim. Onward and upward. And westward.

We're supposed to be scared about that, right? I mean, that's what they keep telling us.

After all, the Saints are A WHOLE DIFFERENT TEAM when they have to leave the house and go out into the real world, right? OH SHIT, IT'S THE ELEMENTS! Clearly we're fucked now! It goes a little something like that, right?

Yep. Clearly we're fucked. In the regular season, the Saints posted 462.8 offensive yards per game outdoors, which is a whopping 3.3 yards per game fewer than their overall season average. The defense has allowed 369.4 yards per game outdoors, which is a whole 1.0 yard per game above their overall season average. SHIT!

But to hell with yardage, that doesn't really matter anyway. Wanna see something that'll really make you shit your pants? The Saints are only averaging 25.8 points per game outdoors, which is a full 8.2 points per game below their overall season average. Worse yet, they're allowing 25.8 points per game outdoors, 4.6 points above their season average. DOUBLE SHIT!

If you're scoring at home, that's 129 points for and 129 points against in outdoor games this year. If you didn't know any better, you'd swear the Saints didn't go 3-2 outdoors this year. With one of those losses being an 8-point loss against the reigning champs in their house on Coronation Night when, as we know all too well, the visiting team NEVER wins. (You might recall though that the Saints came as close to pulling it off as any visitor ever has, the game ending with the ball in the Saints' hands on Green Bay's 2 yard line.)

It also bears mentioning that those two outdoor losses came in week 1 and week 6. Things are juuuust a bit different now than they were then, no?

But hey, by all means, curl up in a fetal position and wait for the impending DOOOOM(!!!) if that's what does it for ya, I guess.

FRANK GORE!!!! OH SHIT! Matt Forte: 49 rushing yards in week 2. 44 yards below his average. Maurice Jones-Drew (the league's leading rusher): 84 yards in week 4. Chris Johnson: 23 yards in week 14. Adrian Peterson: 60 yards in week 15. Michael Turner: 39 yards in week 16. The Saints have held opponents to fewer than 100 yards rushing in 6 of 9 games since their last loss (which, in case it's a bit hazy at this point, was back on October 30.) And Gore, as good as he is, only rushes for 75.7 yards per game in the first place. The Saints rush the ball better than San Francisco.

And Gore is all they've got on offense. The Great Alex Smith Who Has Finally Turned The Corner is sporting a passer rating of 90.7, passes for 196.5 yards per game, completes 61.3% of his passes, has thrown a whopping 17 touchdowns this season, and has been sacked 44 times (most in the league.) The Saints have already faced 5 quarterbacks with higher passer ratings than Smith, two of them twice each, and are 6-1 against them. And if you want to count Jay Cutler, Cam Newton and Matt Hasselbeck, there's another 4 wins against guys who average more passing yards per game than Smith.

Alex Smith ain't no Matthew Stafford, Michael Crabtree damn sure ain't no Megatron, and Vernon Davis is the Reggie Bush of tight ends. The Saints are 5-1 this season against Tony Gonzalez, Brandon Pettigrew and Kellen Winslow.

The 49ers are scoring 23.8 points per game, for crying out loud. The Saints offense has been held below 24 exactly 4 times this season, and they're 2-2 even in those games.

BUT THE 49ers HAVE THE BEST DEFENSE EVER! Except that both Houston's and Jacksonville's defenses are right there in the same ballpark. 2-0 against them this year, including one on the road and outdoors. And that was in weeks 3 and 4. At the risk of repeating myself, things were juuuuust a bit different back then. The Saints offense is a whole other animal these days.

Seriously. You're taking Alex Smith over Drew Brees? You're taking Vernon Davis over Jimmy Graham? You're taking Frank Gore over Pierre/Ivory/Sproles? You're taking Crabtree over Colston? You're taking any defense in the fuckin' league over this offense? You think San Francisco can put up 40?

Didn't think so.

#wegotthis Any time, any place. By a lot.

Seattle is ancient history. Everything has changed since then. Get over it already. The Saints are no longer a "finesse" team. They're the best rushing team among the remaining playoff contenders. Oh, they're also the best passing team among the remaining playoff contenders. They're also the hottest team among the remaining playoff contenders. They've got the best offense the NFL has ever seen, and nobody's got an answer for it.

Have love, will travel.

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