Payton: Hi again, guys. Thanks for agreeing to join another teleconference. My balls are really in a vise right about now, and I could really use some advice. They’re really turning the heat up on me, and the Reggie issue is starting to feel like it might be getting out of control.

Carroll: Duuuudes, what’s shakin’? Yeah, that’s my Reggie! Totally out of control! Dude is a party animal. God I miss that guy. I remember this one time we went down to Baja with Matt and we got totally wasted on the beach. Anyway, this chica walks up, and Reggie goes…

Payton: No, Pete. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the local media and the fans down here seem to be starting to turn on him. He really has had a disappointing season, and they’re…

Haslett: Did I not fucking tell you, Sean? Did I not tell you that’s what those assholes would do eventually? They’ll turn on you in a heartbeat. They did the same thing to me & my Top 5 quarterback. These people don’t know how to treat a superstar. They act like once you give them tens of millions of dollars, they’re not supposed to suck. I don’t get it. And then they act like it’s your fault. God I hate them.

Saban: Yeah, Ricky told me the same thing. That’s why I didn’t take the Saints gig, and man were they begging me to take that job. But Ricky said those dudes down there don’t know how to mellow. They actually put in the paper that Ricky was curled up in a fetal position by his locker one time. He was just trying to hide his bong though. They just don’t understand, man. Is it any wonder New Orleans has such a longstanding reputation for being uptight?

Carroll: Dude, I have seriously thought about going back to the NFL just so I can coach Ricky. Really. Dude. I bet that guy could score some serious face-melting shit. Damn, a weekend in Tijuana with that guy…

Payton: Seriously guys, I’m really struggling down here. I mean, they’re crucifying me over that fucking reverse last week. I know it’s one of those calls that you know is gonna get second-guessed if it doesn’t work, but damn, was it really that bad a call?

Miles: How much time was on the clock?

Payton: About three minutes, Les.

Miles: Bad call, Sean. way too conservative. What, you never heard of a halfback pass? Fake punt triple reverse upback pass to a tackle-eligible? Something along those lines?

Payton: Yeah, but Les, that’s just batshit insane.

Miles: Yeah, you’re right. Too much time left on the clock for something like that. And you were leading, right? Yeah, nevermind. You’ve got to save that kind of thing for when it really counts. Seems to me you made a good call there, Sean.

Saban: That kind of shit Les pulls only works with my recruits anyway. By the way, you’re welcome, Les.

Miles: Fuck you, Nick.

Saban: I’m just sayin’.

Miles: Hey Nick, remember the last time you went to the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl? As I recall, you lost to Gerry DiNardo. That was cool.

Carroll: Hahahaha I remember that. Hey Nick, remember the last time you went to the Sugar Bowl? And you lost to ME? Hahahaha dude we totally kicked your ass! AP National Champions bitches!

Payton: God, Pete, why do you keep saying that? You played Michigan in the Rose Bowl that year. Nick’s LSU Tigers beat Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl. Totally different game. You and Nick have never faced off.

Carroll: So we beat Les then? Hahahaha, in your face, Les!

Miles: I didn’t have anything to do with that game, Pete. I was at Oklahoma State at the time.

Saban: Yeah, but you’ll be at Michigan soon enough, eh Les? You can’t see me right now, but I’m winking in your general direction. I see that not only did I leave you with all the players you needed to play for a National Championship, but I also taught you how to "play the game." Damn I’m good, and seriously man, you really need to fucking thank me before I get pissed off.

Miles: I’m not going to Michigan. I’ve been telling people that for a week. I signed the extension yesterday, as if that really mattered. But I did. It’s done. I’m not going to Michigan. Why can’t people accept that?

Carroll: Well, to hear ESPN’s Jemele Hill tell it, you’re a liar, Les. And a mediocre football coach. Hahaha, FACE!

Saban: We’re all liars. And everybody but me is a mediocre football coach.

Miles: Who the fuck is Jemele Hill?

Carroll: I don’t know, some blogger on ESPN Page 2 or something. ESPN fuckin’ hates you now, dude. Hahahaha. Seriously, they hate your guts.

Miles: Blogger or columnist?

Carroll: Is there a difference?

Miles: Touche. Am I a racist too?

Carroll: Probably. Oh and her email address is jemeleespn@gmail.com so I’m gonna go ahead and go with "blogger" over the formerly-pseudo-prestigious "columnist." Gmail… hahahaha.

Miles: Meh, whatever. Fuck all that noise. Since when is 33-6 in the SEC with three top-5 finishes, an SEC Championship, a BCS National Championship Game appearance and balls the size of grapefruits "mediocre?" And you know what? I don’t even care about that. It’s the assault on my character. Did she really call me a liar? Really? What the hell have I said that hasn’t been true, and how the fuck would she know one way or the other? Seriously, name one fucking thing I’ve said that can be proven to have been a lie?

Saban: Dude, either ESPN was wrong or you’re a liar. Which side of that fence do you think ESPN’s going to come down on? They’re going to trash you until the end of time, Les. Might as well get used to it. I mean, you went on ESPN at that press conference and said, and I quote, "misinformation on ESPN!" I mean, damn, you might as well have marched onto the sprawling Bristol campus and started calling people’s mothers bitches right to their faces. ESPN don’t play that shit, bro. From now on, you’re screwed. Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned, and you scorned the living shit out of Herbstreit.

Payton: Guys, can we please get back to the issues I’m having over here?

Carroll: Duuuuude. You’ve got to get the ball to Reggie, dude. Reggggieeeeee!

Saban: By the way, Les, how much did you bank after that Michigan thing? You totally bent ‘em over, didn’t ya? Hell yeah!

Miles: Actually, Nick, the compensation is exactly the same as it was before. I’m getting a raise based on the terms of the original contract, because we won the SEC. And I might get another raise if we beat Ohio State. But that was all going to happen anyway. I didn’t get any additional money.

Saban: Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me. Ha! What a chump.

Miles: Once again, fuck you, Nick.

Saban: No, seriously, dude. I’m fucking 6-6 and going to the Poulan Bowl, and I still make like twice what you make. Holy crap! Dude, I lost to Louisiana-Monroe, and yet, I could buy and sell your sorry ass!

Payton: But Pete, that’s exactly the problem. I’m getting the ball to Reggie as often as I possibly can. And he’s either fumbling, stepping out of bounds three yards before anyone gets within arm’s length of him, or producing fewer yards per touch than guys making about $50 million less than him. He fucks up a reverse, and they’re about to burn me at the stake for calling the play. He pulled a Randy Moss and tried to leave the field before the game was over, but I’m supposedly "singling him out." He skipped the offseason voluntary workouts to fuck supermodels, which is making me look weak, and half the locker room hates his guts.

Carroll: Haters, Sean. That’s your problem. Too many haters. You need more pretty boys on the roster. Pretty knows pretty. Or, to quote Jemele, "Game recognizes game." See that’s your problem, Sean. They’re not recognizing game in your locker room. At USC, even our offensive linemen are pretty. P-R-E-T-T-Y. You’re never gonna win an AP NFL Championship with a bunch of 320-pound gravy-soaked troglodytes on your roster. You get yourself an offensive line who can get into Paris Hilton’s pants, all at once, and you’re sitting pretty. PRETTY!

Haslett: Yeah, like Paris Hilton wears pants.

Saban: I agree. That Matt Flynn is one handsome guy. That’s why I recruited him for Les. He was voted People Magazine’s Most Fuckable Nick Saban Recruit, you know.

Miles: Actually, it was Matt Damon who was voted somebody’s most sexiest something or other. And dammit Nick, I’m seriously about ready to kick your ass. Sheesh, get over it. Besides, the prettiest Tiger by far is Demetrius Byrd.

Payton: Well, once again, you guys have proven to be no help at all. Thanks for nothing, assholes.

Carroll: Hey Sean, dude, I just got an email. Tell Reggie that Lloyd Lake says: "I want my fuckin’ money, Reggie!" I’m not sure what that’s all about, but whatever. Just passing it along.