I’d like to thank whoever replaced the stack of 1937 Reader’s Digests on the tank of Pete Finney’s toilet with a 2009 Saints schedule.

Pete was so shocked to discover that the Saints are playing Cincinnati Friday night, he dropped the quickest deuce of his life and made a mad pantsless dash to his Remington Standard typograph machine to drop a second deuce — this one, on us.

Pete’s been… uh… listening… to what the kids seem to refer to as the tweets and twitters, and it’s got him all confused and irritable. These kids these days… too darned hotsy-totsy to use a telegraph, are they? Why I oughta… See, in my day see, getting a telegraph from your favorite dame inviting you out to a swanky juice joint for a little hooch and some heavy petting was the cat’s pajamas, I tells ya. Why I remember there was this one flapper broad named Mabel….

Anyway, Pete’s concerned because there’s too much euphoria gushing and/or oozing through all these communiqués his courier has been bringing him from Saintsland. Nice kid, that Jimmy. Always delivers Pete’s cablegrams quick as a whip for a nickel a day. I’d wager that kid’s gonna run Western Union someday. Probably have his own zeppelin and everything.

With all this oozing euphoria, Pete asks himself a ridiculous question…

Pete: My question: Is it a "must win?"

And then answers himself…

Pete: I know, I know, it’s only the first of four exhibition games, which means it will be quickly forgotten, which means it won’t count when they total up the Ws and Ls.

Oh Pete, you so craaazy. You were pulling my leg like some kind of Prussian. Of course they won’t count in the standings, because everybody will quickly forget about them. They only count in the standings if people remember that the games took place. So we all need to make a pact right now, if the Saints go 4-0 in the preseason, we all need to vow never to forget these games. Our recollections of preseason victories could come in handy in a few months. We might need that extra win, so DON’T FORGET!

Pete: I’m in a fog.

Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth. Exhibit A:

Pete: Better yet, God forbid, what happens if they

Wait, what? Better yet, God forbid? Now I’m in a fog. I mean, I suppose that makes sense. If you’re affiliated with Satan. But otherwise, assuming you’re not, I’m not sure whether you’re pulling for the verboten event to occur anyway, or pulling for the potential event to be verboten in the first place.

Pete: Will the NFL world, as we know it, come crashing down?

For many of you out there, it might.

Oh, Pete’s so cute when he’s trying to be condescending. Everybody knows that that’s not gonna happen until the CBA expires. I think the date is December 12, 2012. Or something like that. Meantime, I do appreciate the valiant attempt at snarking on Message Board Guy. I see what you’re going for there. Unfortunately, when the aforementioned attempt at snark is contained within a Pete Finney piece, it’s awful tough to get even the most histrionic Message Board Guy to stop rolling his eyes long enough to pause, furrow his brow, shake his fist and exclaim "You win this round, asshole!"

Pete goes on to pose another question to himself. And once again, he provides his own vapid, bromidic answer…

Pete: My question: How good will the 2009 Saints be?

My answer: As good as their record.

That’s good stuff right there. Are we including preseason wins that we remember? What about regular season losses that we quickly forget? Can we get a ruling on this? What if I forget about the parts where Mike Bell fumbles and Jason David’s on the field, but remember the parts where Digger Bujnoch totally pancakes some poor bastard and Jo-Lonn Dunbar shows his support by perfectly executing the internationally-recognized gesticulation for "that chump done got knocked plum craaaaaazy!" from the sideline?

Pete: My feeling: I would not be surprised if the Saints, who were 8-8 last year, finish the 2009 regular season 9-7. I would be surprised if they finished 10-6, but not shocked.

Not surprised by a whole one-game swing? Such aplomb.

But a two-game swing? I agree with Pete wholeheartedly. I wouldn’t be astonished, but I would be astounded. I wouldn’t be amazed, but I would be startled. I wouldn’t be stunned, but I would be stupefied. I wouldn’t be blown away, but I would be bowled over. (And on and on like that, until you get bored.)

Pete: Saying this, let me be honest. If you had told me before the 2006 season the Saints would wind up one victory short of playing for the world championship, I would have questioned your sanity.

So here we are. Another preseason with wall-to-wall optimism running rampant all over the place.

For good reason.

The honesty, while saying that, I appreciate. This, while you’re saying that, let me say, honestly, in response to that, which you said:

What the fuck do the 2006 Saints and the 2008 Falcons have to do with anything? It’s apples and tranny hookers. You just got finished telling us that the Saints finished 8-8 last year, and that there’s good reason for rampant optimism. Now you’re comparing them to a 4-12 team and a 3-13 team?

Pete, let me ask you something. Think reeeeeal hard on it now, and then, while saying this, in response to that, let yourself be honest, as I let myself be honest while saying this to that which you said:

Does this team suck or does it not?

Because I have no fucking clue what it is you’re babbling on about.

Pete: My feeling: The Saints have too much proving to do.

What? What does that even mean? Is it supposed to be some kind of threat? Do they have to prove these things in sequential order or something, and there’s just not enough time in a single season to prove it all? Is that how you think this works? Did the 2006 Saints or the 2008 Falcons have less to prove, and therefore proved it more quickly? Is yeast involved in some way?

You know what? I’d go on. (And on and on, as Pete goes on and on. And on.) But screw this.

There’s a bunch more barely-coherent rambling about "proving" shit and "make-a-difference" players and knocking on doors and other such banal nonsense, in Finney’s inimitable style. If you’re a masochist, or an idiot, click the link for the remainder.

For your convenience, I’ve linked to the world’s most glorious example of the unintended consequence – the "printer-friendly page." Eat a dick, Breaking It Out Into Four Mini-Pages Equals Four Times As Much Ad Revenue Boy. You soulless jackass.

Or if you’d prefer to read a guy who’s basically saying the same thing, but in a way that doesn’t make you want to gouge your eyes out with an icepick, check out Ralph instead. Unlike Pete, Ralph actually gives a shit.