It’s been a banner week down at the ole Bender household, which is why I’m about to once again participate in perhaps the oldest and most popular blogging ritual known to mankind: apologizing for not blogging as frequently as might be expected, and blaming it on real life.

Fortunately for me, this week of blistering ass pain has resulted in a stunning sudden streamlining of my daily workflow, which will free up a significant amount of time to engage in further internet-based jackassery henceforth. Score! I should have done this a long time ago. I’d spare you the gory details, but instead, I won’t.

It went a little something like this:

• Discover cheaper/faster/better shipping solution.
• Discover "free" 3rd party software add-on which further streamlines the process.
• Dance jig.
• Invest in sexy-ass blazing fast Wifi-enabled print/scan/copy/fax document processing solution and blazing fast thermal printer for shipping labels.
• Rejoice at the drastically reduced ink budget and batch print wait times.
• Pause momentarily to boo Jason David.
• Install "free" 3rd party software add-on, discover that I shouldn’t have signed up for the shipping solution beforehand. See, the "free" add-on requires a "super duper special" (unadvertized) type of account at twice the monthly rate.
• Call support to have account "upgraded" to the unexpectedly twice-as-expensive service plan.
• Discover (once again, after the fact) that the suddenly-not-so-free 3rd party add-on requires a thermal printer costing at the very least five times as much as the one I already bought. See, the service supports my printer, but the not-so-free add-on does not.
• Think to self: "Fuck that."
• Call support again to have account "downgraded" to the original service plan.
• Pause to boo Jason David once again.
• Realize that no one in my general vicinity has the foggiest idea why I’m shouting "Boo!" at, as far as they know, nobody in particular.
• Vocally mock and bemoan those people’s woeful ignorance of the basis for my disconcerting behavior. (FYI… not necessarily the most expedient of responses in that situation.)
• Uninstall bullshit add-on and get on with enjoying substantially increased free time.

See, it’s stuff like that that you’ll no longer have to read just as soon as the Times-Picayune gets off its lazy ass and puts me on the payroll. You also wouldn’t have to put up with me saying "fuck" all the time. It’s the T-P’s fault that you suffer. Blame them. Oh, and Jason David. Don’t forget Jason David.

Is it just me, or has the preseason officially become just one big long pain in the ass? Glorified practice #2 has had heads exploding far and wide all week, starting with Coach Payton’s. Hey Coach, I’d like to take this opportunity to suggest that you dust off the old "burying the accolades" gimmick… Jason David has to take off that Super Bowl ring some time. And if not, well, just order a bigger hole in the ground. 5 feet, 8 inches deep ought to do it.

Of course, it wouldn’t be the internets without rampant overthinking and scattershot blame. See, only Message Board Guy is smart enough to see that the REAL™ problem is Gary Gibbs. And Charles Grant and Will Smith. And Scott Shanle. And injuries. To Brian Young’s dog.

Drew Brees:
You wanna boo somebody? Huh?!? Well, do ya, asshole?!?!? You wanna boo somebody, boo Fido and his weak ass meniscus. Serves him right for skipping the OTAs.

Word on the street is that Fido busted up his knee in a collision with Scotty Badass at the bottom of a waterslide. It could have been a lot worse for the Asian Assassin, but fortunately, he was high-fiving Kenny Chesney at the time and Chesney’s belt buckle (the really big one he uses to hold up waterlogged cut-off Wrangler "swim trunks" ) took the brunt of the blow.

Hey, one thing at a time, people. Sure, maybe Gary Gibbs would be better served doing annoying high-pitched lead vocals on smash-hit disco singles written for John Travolta flicks. But there’s no way you could possibly know that yet.

Maybe "it’s just preseason" and the six billion dollar defensive ends are doing a rope-a-dope job that would make Ali himself want to go quarrel with some of them Viet Cong after all.

Maybe Mickey Loomis ought to be strung up for his inability to force Rod Hood to sign a free agent contract. Or for his unwillingness to pay Asante Samuel or Nate Clements to the kind of contract you’d have wanted to string him up for anyway. Or for the fact that Tracy Porter and Usama Young aren’t yet grizzled vets. (Stupid linear time.) Or for trading for Shockey when, despite any supporting evidence, clearly all he had to do was point his finger in the general direction of Lito Sheppard and he could have had him instead.

By golly, maybe all this defense needed was Lance Schulters! Or something.

But dammit, sometimes what’s called for is some good old fashioned inside-the-box thinking. That is, the big ass Jason David Sucks box. There’s plenty of time for Message Board Guy to claim his accolades for being "the only person smart enough to have seen the bigger issue." Til then, how about we go ahead and take care of the issue we’re all smart enough to see? Hell, we can even see it without the benefit of reviewing your DVR’d copy of the tee vee broadcast "game film."

(Yeah, that DVR’d copy of the tee vee broadcast "game film." The same DVR’d copy of the tee vee broadcast "game film" that clearly shows that Reggie’s 7 for 24 would equate to a regular-season 7 for 150, and the only reason it’s not 7 for 250 is because the overrated o-line is "weak at the point of attack." See, Goodwin doesn’t pivot his hips correctly, and furthermore…. )

Seriously though, I don’t see any reason to panic. I mean, after all, this was Matt Schaub throwing to Ken Walter and David Anderson! Yeah, that’s right. Ken Walter and David Anderson. I mean… damn. Who stands a chance against that? I’m sure we’ll all be a lot more relaxed after this Saturday night’s performance vs. a gaggle of chumps like Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco and TJ Douchemanzadeh.

Guh.