Cha-ching! Kamaal McIlwain, bitches!

Welp, for a meaningless fake football game in the first week of the lyingest month of the year, that wasn't half bad.

Oh sure, I fell asleep in the 4th quarter. Didn't we all? Pretty sure Drew caught a few winks his own self after going all Jonathan Sullivan on his 14th bag of sunflower seeds and slipping into a salt coma. Damn, Drew. No beefy mac in the pregame spread? I suspect Roger leaned on the caterer. Not that any kind of quid pro quo was offered, or anything like that. No sir, not a chance. The League™ categorically denies any and all ESPN reports of any such chicanery… 

I'm sure Jeff Duncan is writing the column right this minute… "Brees has only himself to blame for lack of beefy mac in Canton"

Which will of course fail to copy itself over to the nola dot com slash Saints page. (The tech dudes at NOLA Media Group™ sure are kicking a robust amount of ass over there lately, don't you think?) I'm sure he'll tweet it out though just as Drew and Brittany are welcoming their third son into the world. Or something like that. Jeff will surely figure out how to time it for maximum dick factor.

Speaking of the legits over at NOLA Media Group™, you probably didn't catch it, but one of their "community producers" put out a post something to the effect of "What was the most pivotal play in tonight's game?" On Saturday. The only reply before it disappeared was "Are you from the future?" That cracked my ass up. I was all set to post a laundry list of SPOILERS(!!!) but then I realized that the day I register to comment at nola dot com is the day I'll have no choice but to wrap my dong in bacon and stick it in a Fry Daddy.

Big Willie's speech was about as bland as had been expected, but it was amusing anyway. Reading aloud is clearly not one of Willie's more finely honed skills. Which is kind of awesome. It was a lot like listening to Bobby's weekly opening soliloquies on WWL's pregame show. It truly is all in the delivery.

By the way, if you had 1478 in the "Instances of 'Look up, get up, and don't ever… give up' Pool" please report to the pressbox to claim your prize.

And then of course there was the matter of the fake football game. I have it on good authority that only a bunch of overly-emotional conspiracy theorist dumbasses who don't even have legitimate media credentials would be fool enough to attach any kind of significance whatsoever to a meaningless preseason exhibition game. So let's do that!

Who'da figured a star would be born Sunday night? Oh wait, that's right, we all pretty much figured that. It's easy being right when there's virtually no chance of being wrong.

I'm of course referring to The Great Travaris Cadet, who is clearly The Next Lynell Hamilton. (Or Herb Donaldson. Or PJ Hill. Something like that.) Just go ahead and give that guy his 2012 Onome Ojo Camp Beast belt right now.

Small school guy? Check. Undrafted rookie? Check. Bitchin' name? Check. Six carries for negative three yards on the first Sunday in August? Discount double-check! This guy's got it all! I've got a hunch that Canton hasn't seen the last of Travaris.

Hell, I'd be surprised if Chris Ivory even boards the plane out of Foxboro. Gotta make room on the depth chart, after all. And Belichick knows a beast when he sees one. Furthermore, Belichick already went ahead and actually used enough draft picks back in April to last him for about a decade. So clearly the stars are aligned here to go ahead and recoup next year's second rounder. Hell, they might even throw in Rob Ninkovich and/or Donte Stallpepper!

And don't even get me started on Andy Tanner. This guy, I mean… he's just so damn… um… caucasian. Am I right, Message Board Guy?

Speaking of white dudes doing black dude things, who knew Chunky Chase could scramble like that? In your face, Cam Newton!

Say, what was your favorite moment of the Adrian Arrington Era? Was it that time when he got himself onto the field in an actual game? Yeah, that's mine too. Good times.

Unfortunately, I've got a hunch that all that ended a couple hours prior to Sunday's kickoff. It's been half a decade now, for crying out loud. It's just never gonna happen with this guy.

On the bright side, if anybody can bring out this guy's inner hall of famer, I'm sure Belichick will after acquiring him as lagniappe in the inevitable Chris Ivory trade. So he's got that going for him.

And hey, maybe by including Arrington in the deal, Loomis might be able to steal Ryan Mallett from the Pats. Because… well, you know… Sean Canfield blows. Make it happen, Loomis!

Although, if Loomis is smart, he'll try to get Marcus Forston instead. After all, who knows when we might see Sedrick Ellis again (outside of a courtroom, that is) after having posted the Saints' first cart-off of 2012. I'm sure both Roger and Sean Pamphilon are shocked and appalled. This kind of savagery shall not go unpunished!

In other, far more relevant news, that Ben Grubbs guy… yeah, he's pretty fuckin' awesome. Pretty sure Mark Ingram is gonna look like a whole different guy if they keep sending him inside-left all season.

Also pretty fuckin' awesome? That Falcons dude. Which is why I'm about to piss about half of you off right about now. You have been warned…

I don't want Vilma to take the plea bargain. (Which ought to be pretty easy to not do, given that it doesn't exist. Hey, the league said so! Therefore clearly somebody made it all up, right?)

Why? Well, for one thing, fuck Roger. Duh. But even more than that, I'd rather the coaches not have to deal with the disruption of Vilma ending up coming back.

Look, don't get me wrong. I love the guy. I really do. Always will. But let's be honest here, on the field, he kinda sucked last year. Nobody really knows if he can even play anymore. And I'd rather not have to find out.

Because right now, everything's fine. Lofton looks to be one hell of an upgrade and everything's coming up Milhouse. On the field, the team is well into the process of moving onward and upward.

Meantime, the team can continue to support Vilma 100% and keep talking about how much they miss him and love him and what a great player he theoretically still might be. They can remain loyal to a guy who clearly deserves it, they can be the good guys. All the while being off the hook in terms of having to put their money where their mouths are as it pertains to Vilma's on the field status.

Vilma comes back, all of a sudden some really hard decisions have to be made. They either have to move their kickass new middle linebacker outside, or move Vilma outside, or bench Vilma altogether. And none of those options are particularly appealing. Each would surely result in some form of unpleasantness and disruption.

I'd prefer that they not have to make that particular hard decision. And right now, they don't. At the moment, the best way Vilma can continue to contribute to The Cause involves him being in a suit and tie, riding the pine in a courtroom rather than on the sideline. And when he does step back onto the field, I'd just as soon have it be with him wearing shorts and a visor, and calling somebody a no-catching motherfucker.

And you know what else? Sue me, but I'm not sure I'm all that interested in Will Smith's suspension being reduced in the process either. Not just because LaRod Stephens-Howling bounced right off Smith's face and ended up going for 15 on the first play from scrimmage Sunday night, but because you know who else is pretty fuckin' awesome? Martez Wilson.

We here at moosedenied are proud to announce that henceforth, we will be referring to #95 in your program, #1 in your pants, as… Martevious.

If you weren't already completely convinced that Sean Payton telling Gregggggg Williams to go fuck himself before they even reached the tunnel at Candlestick back in January was the right thing to do (which, of course you were) the fact that Martevious is now an actual thing should remove all doubt. As should the fact that Malcolm Jenkins(!!!) got himself a pick on the second fucking play of preseason. What planet am I on?

Meantime, there's been plenty of criticism of the scab officials' performance Sunday night. I don't know though. Sure, they might have screwed a few things up. After all, they've only been on the job for a couple weeks. But you've got to tip your cap to them for at least having a firm handle on the Prime Directive, The Golden Rule, Referee 101: When in doubt, bone the Saints. Good to know some things never change.

Bottom line, the Saints did their jobs. No complaints. Next up, New England. Personally, I think those assholes deserve a face full of one Jedediah Gabriel Collins. Fingers crossed.