Confession: I came dangerously close to titling this post: “I can feel it coming in Pierre tonight, oh Lord.”

How wrong would that have been? I’d have had to punch my own self in the groin. There are just some things that you shouldn’t say in public, and bad puns off Phil Collins references have to be right near the very top of that list.

At any rate, last night those of us who are not only Saints fans but also shameless HOMERS(!!!!) got to enjoy a nice heaping plate of Triple Happiness. The Saints’ preseason has mercifully come to an end without any kind of significant misfortune, LSU took it to Sly and the Family Croom to the tune of 45-0, and… um… uh… I know there’s a third thing. We’ll go with Ryan Perrilloux not doing anything last night to get himself kicked off the team. Yeah. (At least nothing that’s being reported yet.)

It was a good night to be a fan of the two Louisiana-based football teams that count. That is, unless you’re one of those perpetually-miserable assholes who call themselves “realists.” Actually, those guys are happy too this Friday afternoon… they’re happy because they got themselves a triple dose of shit to bitch and moan about: the impending release of Pierre Thomas, the implosion of Olindo Mare and… um… uh… well, I guess there’s always Les Miles.

“Only 45-0?!?!?!? It should have been at least 70!!!” My fellow LSU fans sure can be some weird cats sometimes. I mean, this is why they play the tune-up game, is it not? It’s not like anyone other than Trev Alberts and possibly Lou Holtz are gonna hold it against LSU in December that they could muster “only” a 45-point margin of victory in their first game. And Trev Alberts and Lou Holtz are assholes who will no doubt hold up a 45-point fucking victory as evidence that they were right about LSU all along. O-ver-ra-ted! *clap, clap, clap clap clap* Heh, maybe those guys are LSU fans after all.

Apparently, it would have been more acceptable if the final were still 45-0, but if the halftime score had been 35-0 rather than 17-0. Because first half points are better, see. They’re a better indicator of dominance than an equal amount of second-half points. Or something.

Matt Flynn looked a little shaky in the first half of his first regular season start? Nah! The hell you say! Clearly this is Les Miles’ fault. If they knew what they were doing in Baton Rouge, they’d go all Tommy Hodson / Mickey Guidry starting this week in practice. Gary Crowton has to go. Flynn runs too much. Does he not know he’s white? USC would have put up 80 on MSU. And so on and so forth.

Stop being ridiculous, people. 45-0 is a dominant win no matter how you shake it. To “expect better” than a 45-point margin of victory in week 1 vs. an SEC opponent (any SEC opponent) on the road is just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Talk to me when they actually lose something.

Meantime, in the span of 2.5 hours, Olindo Mare went from Morten Andersen II to Chip Lohmiller II. Hey, I’m not about to blow it off and act like it wasn’t one hell of a pants-crapping effort by “Orlando” last night. But two of the three were from 50+. Clearly Coach Payton was testing Olindo’s range. The good news is that now, in the regular season, Coach Payton will probably be more inclined to go for it from that range.

It’s good news because last year the Saints converted 4th downs at a higher rate (60%) than most NFL kickers can be expected to hit 50+ yard field goals. Failing to convert a 4th down and failing to hit a FG are each good for 0 points, but missing the FG actually gives up 7 yards of field position too.

Last year John Kasay led the league with 4 FGs made from 50+ yards. But he attempted 7, for 57.1%. Four kickers made 3 FGs from 50+: Janikowski (OAK), Jason Hanson (DET), Josh Brown (SEA) and Jeff Wilkins (IND). Wilkins was 3-3 while the other guys were all at a 60% rate of success or below. And three of the four were on teams whose offenses weren’t anywhere near as likely to convert 4th downs as the Saints’ offense was and is.

Bottom line: Olindo Mare ain’t Morten Andersen, and the Saints offense isn’t exactly the kind of offense that needs a Morten Andersen to save their asses on a week to week basis. It’s better to harbor no illusions about Mare being Morten. It’s better to know that when the situation comes up, you’re better off going for it. Armed with that clarity, Coach Payton will be better able to resist the temptation to fall victim to the understandable misconception that “conservative” equates to “safe” or “higher percentage.” For the Saints, it’s the opposite. Going for it is the higher percentage call, and that would be the case virtually regardless of who the kicker is.

Now if Mare keeps missing them from about 30 or so out, then we can all start wailing and gnashing teeth. But somehow I doubt that’s gonna be the case.

Which brings up to Everybody’s All-Pro In Waiting, Pierre Thomas. Dude sure as hell took the bull by the horns last night, did he not? I still think he’s likely to be released, and I still think that in the big picture it really doesn’t matter. Which isn’t meant to be disrespectful to Pierre, I’ve grown to like him as much as the next guy. Going out there and kicking a little ass for the home team tends to get a guy a little bandwagon following real quick, and I’m not immune to that either. I hope they figure out a way to keep him on the roster. But it’s still one of those things where I’ll believe it when I see it.

But I will say this: If there’s one position on a 45-man gameday roster that’s more useless than a fourth or fifth string running back, it’s the third string quarterback. And given Der Kommissar’s performance last night, you’ve gotta wonder if Coach Payton and staff might consider putting him on the midnight train to Jason Fife Town. I guess it’s just a tiny bit risky, being as if he were to be claimed off waivers or pull a Mike Hass and sign onto someone else’s practice squad, you’re left with only two QBs, active or otherwise. Carrying a third on the practice squad is one thing, not carrying a third at all is a whole other ballgame.

But then again, none of us really know whether Coach Payton considers Palko a legit prospect, or just a slightly warmer body than Fife was. If it’s the latter and Palko is scooped or bolts, who knows how many others Coach Payton has on his speed dial. Hell, you could revive the Matt Baker Era if it came to that. It all depends on what Coach really thinks of Palko.

But in the meantime, whomever he might be, your third QB isn’t gonna play special teams. Pierre would. And for that matter, on any given week, your fourth string RB stands a far better chance of actually taking some offensive snaps than your third QB. It’s not like you’d have to keep five RBs active every week. Continue the competition in practice on a week to week basis, and leave the loser inactive for that Sunday.

So who knows? All I’m saying is that if you’re a big Pierre fan, just keep in mind that it’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t make it. After all, we do have a couple of dudes named Reggie and Dulymus.

Meantime, it’s only six long, long days until this show gets on the road for real. The offense is in midseason form, the defense is at least making a show of being better than it was last year, everybody is on schedule to be healthy and ready to go for Indianapolis, and there’s no reason in the world that the Saints can’t win that game. Life is good. Don’t let an unpopular cut or two get in the way of that.