Oh no! It’s the cleverest species of them all!

I sure hope the Saints are on the lookout this Sunday at Land Shark Stadium for audible calls such as "Candygram!" "Plumber!" and "Telephone guy!" because if not, they might get MAULED(!!!) by the most awesomest offensive innovation to come out of mid-tier college ball since the Run & Shoot. Oooooh, I bet you’re scared now.

What ever will the Saints do to counter the awesome power of this craaaazy new offensive attack which has opposing defensive coordinators furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to comprehend the situation? (Well, two out of the five so far, anyway.) Because you know, it’s totally not a fad. No sir. No gimmick here. To hear the Dolphins talk about it, they don’t even know why people still consider it "tricky." Why, all they’re really doing is lining up and running it down people’s throats. Hell, it’s downright old school. And after all, they do have the LEAGUE’S BEST RUSHING ATTACK!!! Pardon me while I go get a clean pair of pants.

For a 2-3 team, they sure are proud of that #1 ranked rushing attack and the fact that their "non-gimmick" offense is SWEEPING THE LEAGUE BY STORM, eh? To hear them tell it, you’d think that everybody’s coming around to the realization that the Wildcat is fearsome and dominant. When in actuality, all anybody’s really saying is "Hey, how about that? A single NFL team has managed to use it and not fall flat on their asses.. yet."

Good for them though. Wasn’t so long ago when it was Saints fans who were strutting around with our chests puffed out over the lone aspect of our team that qualified among the league’s best, so we can relate.

So hey, give them their due. Far be it from me to diminish what they’ve accomplished so far. No sir, not this guy. 177 rushing yards per game. That’s pretty damn good. Have I mentioned that it’s the best in the league?

Say, anybody wanna take a guess as to who’s a scant 96 yards (a whole 19.2 rushing yards per game) off that pace? Here’s a hint, their quarterback tends to take all the snaps.

But it’s the Wildcat! Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams! It’s EXPLOSIVE! Except that the Dolphins are only 5th in the league in yards per carry. Say, anybody wanna take a guess as to who’s tied for 6th?

Yeah, but it’s not about yards or yards per. It’s all about the scoreboard, and "R&R" have 8 rushing touchdowns through 5 games. Wanna take a guess as to who has 9?

But the thing about the Wildcat is that it’s all about ball control. Drew Brees can’t beat you if he’s on the bench, and the Dolphins lead the league in time of possession. By a whopping 1:38 over the 5th ranked team in TOP. Oh, go ahead and take a guess.

So if the Wildcat is so damn great, why is it that the Dolphins are 22nd in yards per play, and tied for 20th in total points scored?

Oh, wait, I think I know this. Could it be that their passing game blows?

Well, not exactly. It’s probably more about their not really being all that familiar with this new-fangled thing called the "forward pass" in the first place. Now there’s a fad for ya. These kids today with their twitters and tweets and rock & roll music. Why I oughta.

If you want to find the real "gimmick" in Miami’s offense, look to the pocket. There’s usually nobody there. They might actually be pretty good at it if they’d… well, you know… give it a shot every once in a while. After all, they’re 29th in the league in passing yards. Which doesn’t suck as much as it sounds, when you consider that they’re dead last in passing attempts.

On the other hand, I suppose I can understand their reluctance to engage in such underhanded trickery. No sense in getting too comfortable with something that has all the staying power of those little boxes people have been buying which show the moving pictures and other such nonsense.

I mean, it’s not like Drew Brees is putting up 60 fewer yards per game by himself than Miami’s entire offense combined or anything. It’s not like he has passed for as many touchdowns as the Dolphins have put up all totaled.

I suppose it’s also possible that the reluctance might have something to do with Dolphins quarterbacks being sacked 13 times in the first 5 games. Ouch.

Ah, but see, that’s the beauty of the Wildcat. You can’t just assume it’s gonna be a rushing attempt. Those clever bastards, that’s how they get ya. Just when you think you can just stack the box and play the run exclusively, Ronnie Brown shoves a 21 yard pass up your ass. Oh, it’s happened. Once. His other attempt was incomplete.

And then there’s Pat White, every bit the electrifying playmaker Reggie Bush is. Dude was BORN to run the Wildcat! Evidence? 1 passing attempt. Incomplete. 3 rushes for 5 yards. Please, try not to panic.

And why pass anyway? You’ve got the LEAGUE’S BEST(!!!!) rushing attack, for crying out loud. Oh sure, it came against the league’s current 14th, 21st, 23rd, 27th and 32nd rushing defenses. But still. Say, anybody know how the Saints’ rushing defense stacks up against these chumps? (Hint: they’re 5th.)

How’s that whole inflated-stats-against-weak-opponents thing working out for the Giants these days?

Dolphins passers (all 4 of ‘em): 4 touchdowns, 3 interceptions
Darren Sharper: 5 interceptions, 2 touchdowns

But what’s really scary about the Dolphins is that they’re 1st in rushing offense and 3rd in rushing defense. Uh oh. "Run the ball and stop the run." Oooooh, old school football cliche alert! Isn’t that supposed to be the "correct" way to win football games? How in the world are these guys only 2-3?

Could it be because "run the football and stop the run" is all fine and good if they’re at the top of your list of strengths, but not so much when they’re the entire list of strengths? Hmmm… yeah, could be that.

"Wait, what do you mean by ‘entire list of strengths?’ Joey Porter and Jason Taylor, asshole!" Six sacks between them, and that’s great and all. But 12 sacks total, same as the Saints. And something tells me that, if the Giants and Jets couldn’t get any significant pressure on Drew….

"But Sean Smith and Vontae Davis!" Yeah, and the rest of that 18th ranked pass defense. Hey, good luck with that. You’re familiar with our quarterback, right? I know that Nick Saban and Randy Mueller are. Say, how’s that whole Culpepper thing workin’ out for ya?

Oh, and just for shits and grins? Turnover ratio: Dolphins -3, Saints +9

Prediction? Pain.

I don’t know. What, 56-10? Something like that?

I’m sure Miami will be just fine with it, as long as people stop calling the Wildcat a gimmick. Fine, it’s not a gimmick. It’s a perfectly legitimate half-an-offense. Is that better? Best of luck to ya, and sorry about the ass-kicking. Oh, and fuck you for Olindo Mare. Have a great day.

PS: Read this.