You'll find your fortune fallin' all over town. Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.

Cha-ching! Eat a dick, Matty.

Two catches for 86, five solo tackles, a win-clinching pass defended on the last play of the game against a first-ballot Saints-killing hall of famer, and just for good measure, a "dirty" but potentially game-changing remember-me hit on the opponent's douchebag quarterback. Not half bad for a couple of rookies in their NFL debuts, eh? Welcome to the party, Kenny and Kenny. Please make yourselves at home.

It wasn't exactly the righteous annihilation we here at moosedenied had ourselves all geeked up for in the days leading up to the game (though it should be pointed out that it was tied for the second-largest margin of victory by an NFC team.) But it'll do just fine regardless. The Falcons have ass residue on their faces and cocks in their mouths nonetheless, and their fans are already putting their tickets on StubHub (the cricket sounds and tumbleweed gifs on the listings pages are a nice touch, by the way.)

And to whatever extent coming up just short yet again in soul-crushing fashion further cements the Falcons' reputation as choke artists and perpetual wannabes, not to mention reinforcing the notion that the Saints quite simply own them and there's nothing they can do about it, then perhaps this way is even better.

In any case, yeah, have fun with all that, Atlanta. Good luck with that online petition to get your head coach fired. The proposed "attendance boycott" would be a pretty good idea if it weren't for one fatal flaw… nobody will notice.

Meantime, while the Saints were humiliating the presumptive NFC South favorites yet again, Camrolina was struggling to put up a whopping 7 points at home on 243 yards of total offense, and fumbling at the opponents' 8 yard line on their final drive in a 5-point loss to Seattle. And, not to be outdone, Tampa was putting up 250 yards of total offense and dropping a steaming pile of derp with 15 seconds remaining against everybody's favorite NFL circus act. Oof.

As a result, style points (or lack thereof) notwithstanding, Our Heroes (and Mark Ingram) find themselves right where they belong… all alone in first place. And with apologies for the lack of attribution a hat tip to the dude in some CSC comment thread or another BewareofDog at CSC, who so boner-inducingly pointed out this little factoid… the Sean Payton/Drew Brees Saints have never relinquished a division lead once they've secured it. So we've got that going for us.

Far as the end results go, it's always nice when everything comes up Milhouse. Hard to imagine what more you could possibly ask for in week one. 

Not that that kind of thing has ever stopped Saints fans from finding things to bitch and moan about anyway, of course. Hey, it's what we do. The main gripes this week seem to be as follows:

— An uncharacteristically inaccurate day by Drew Brees. After all, he only completed 74.3% of his passes for 357 yards and a 113.6 passer rating. Come on Drew, get your head out of your ass! Clearly Drew didn't get himself enough beefy mac before the game (or, more likely, the steep decline Drew's been on for the last two or three years is kicking into high gear) because he was underthrowing guys all day! Of Drew's whopping nine(!!!) incompletions Sunday, at least two of them were underthrows to Stills. This is unacceptable, of course. I hope Luke McCown's got enough left in him to bridge the gap until Johnny Football's arrival next spring. Or something.

— The indefensible decision to kick the field goal and take a 6 point lead, while giving the ball back to the Falcons to mount one last drive and beat us in the final seconds. I mean, it worked out and all, but it was still clearly a total brain fart by Sean Payton for some reason. I mean, it's not like they hadn't easily converted a 4th & 1 earlier in the game. (I'm remembering that correctly, right?) What good is Mark Ingram if you're not gonna run him up Brian de la Puente's ass for an easy 3 yards on 4th & 2 and clinch the win? What was Sean Payton thinking??? And if we're assuming the worst here and they don't convert, the smart move with 3 minutes left is to leave the Falcons with the easy out, to opt for the tying field goal rather than leaving them no choice but to beat us with a touchdown on the last drive of regulation. Why put their backs against the wall and make them go 80 yards for a game-winning touchdown when you can give them the ball at the 4 and give them the option to go about 65 yards or so and send it into overtime? At least we don't get beat in regulation, amirite? But noooo, Payton just had to force the issue by not forcing the issue. It was both too ballsy and not ballsy enough at the same time! How does that even happen? (Here's a hint: It's all in your fuckin' head.)

— Pretty much everything about Mark Ingram. His complete lack of vision and instinct, his annoying habit of keeping more effective tailbacks (FREE KHIRY!!!) on the bench, his stupid face. And on and on like that.

And here are the proper rebuttals for each of those gripes, in order:

– Oh, for the love of fuck. Seriously? 74.3% completions and a 113.6 passer rating on an "off day." Yeah, clearly Drew blows. Guh.

– It worked out, so please relax and feel free to help yourself to one of these here organic, free-trade, handcrafted artisan dicks. There's no "correct" choice there. Or, more accurately, there's no way of knowing whether or not you made the "correct" choice until subsequent events play out and you either win or lose. If you win, it was the "right choice." If you don't, it wasn't. They might have converted, secured a two-score lead and everything would have been great. Or they might not have converted, and the Saints might have lost in overtime. After all, the Falcons ended up driving 77 yards anyway, which would have been plenty to get themselves in field goal range from their own 4. Or the Saints might have lost in regulation anyway because there would have been more ground for the defense to cover on the Falcons' last attempt at the touchdown. We'll never know, and neither Sean Payton nor anyone else had a goddamn clue how it would end up playing out at the time. There's no "smart" call in that situation, and there's no "ballsy" call either, until hindsight comes into play. If they'd have tried to convert on 4th and failed, it would have been "stupid" (especially considering the earlier failure on 4th & 1) not to extend the lead and eliminate the option of the tying field goal, and the "ballsy" move would have been to trust the new and improved defense to keep them out of the end zone on the final drive. Which, incidentally, is precisely what they did anyway. Just barely, but they did it. How about you save your hindsight-enabled omniscient bitching for the next time it doesn't work out? Think you can handle that, champ?

– Alright, listen up asshole. Here's the thing you're too fucking stupid to understand about the whole Ingram issue. Um… see, it's that… uh… I got nothing. Never mind, please carry on.

Meantime, amidst all the bitching and complaining about the many things that sucked about a 6-point week one win at home against the presumptive NFC South favorites, putting the Saints in sole (and apparently permanent) possession of first place and the Falcons squarely in the division cellar, while in the process fucking Atlanta's already fragile collective psyche all to hell once again, seems the one positive thing we can all agree about is that Rob Ryan's new and improved defense kicked an awful lot of ass Sunday. (Hey, thanks for dropping that game-winning touchdown pass, Steven. Preciate that. Also, thanks for going all 2 for 19 with it, #Rodney.)

Hey, no complaints here. Three sacks and two takeaways. 88 yards rushing. 3 for 11 on third down. Six punts. 50% on goal-to-go. (Thanks again, Steven.) That's all good shit right there.

Seriously, Steven. Thank you so much for dropping that fuckin' ball. I can't really bring myself to have a "favorite Falcon" but if I could, it'd (currently) be you, bro.

I kid, I kid. Because for the most part Sunday's defensive performance was at least reasonably close to what everybody's making it out to be. That is, a hell of a lot better than we were probably expecting. And "better than expected" is always a pleasant surprise. There's certainly no denying that they "made the plays when [we] needed to." So much so that they were even able to overcome the stunning incompetence of Drew Brees! High five! Hey, I'll take it. Keep that shit up on a weekly basis and I promise to refrain from pointing out how stupid and meaningless a mantra "making plays when we needed to" continues to be.

Anyway, regardless of anyone's individual perspective with regard to the particulars of what went right and what went wrong Sunday afternoon, the bottom line is that the Saints are all alone in first place, and that in and of itself is enough reason to for now largely ignore any incompetence-of-the-opponent factor (except when it suits us, of course, like for purposes of mocking the Falcons and whatnot) that may have played a key role in establishing our current position as the motherfuckers in charge.

There will be plenty of time to nitpick the specifics later on down the line once we have a hell of a lot larger sample to work with. But for now, big picture, everything's going according to plan. And until further notice, that'll do just fine. Mighty fine.

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