[Musberger] You are looking LIVE [/Musberger] at the moistened crotch region of an ad executive’s Hugo Boss slacks, as Reggie Bush’s Shoes invade the RCA Dome to take on Peyton Manning’s Cellphone, with special guest appearances by various soft drinks, credit cards and video games, on the NFL’s Thursday Night Kickoff Somethingsomething, brought to you by Ford Trucks, Video Professor, and Nippon Ham! We’ll be right back after these messages.

Oh man, my nipples could crack walnuts right about now. It is SO on! Pierre Thomas will be riding shotgun as the Saints and their five, yes five tight ends invade the home of John Dillinger, Chuck Taylor and Dan Quayle to open up a huge can of whoopass on  Manning’s disproportionally-large head and the Colts.

(Son of a bitch. I started writing this yesterday morning, honest, and now this morning before I can get it finished up and posted, I find that Benjamin Hochman over at nola.com has jacked my theme. Ben, you bastard.)

Let me just state for the record something that you probably already know, but might not yet be willing to let yourself believe: There is absolutely no reason why the Saints can’t win this game. 

Sure, the Colts are the defending Super Bowl champions. Sure they have All-Everything QB/Paid-Spokesperson Peyton Manning. So the hell what? The Saints’ offense is every bit as good as Indy’s. It was last year, and it will be again this year. Manning’s stats and Brees’ stats were virtually identical. The Saints and Colts rushing stats were virtually identical. The Saints have no single receiver who is as accomplished as either Marvin Harrison or Reggie Wayne, but so what? The Saints, not the Colts, were the #1 offense in the NFL last year.

The Colts got an awful lot of media play last year about how their defense stepped up during the playoffs, and there’s no denying that that was probably the biggest factor in their winning the Super Bowl. But somehow people seem to have forgotten that until the playoffs, the Colts defense gave off the unmistakable aroma of ass. For all the wailing and gnashing of teeth about the Saints’ defense last year, the Colts’ defense was worse. Significantly worse.

Total yards allowed: Saints #11, Colts #17
Total points allowed: Saints #13, Colts #23

The Colts also boasted the absolute worst rushing defense in the entire league last year. Dead freakin’ last.

The Saints could only muster 23 sacks last year, which sucks, right? Indy: 15. Oooooooh Dwight Freeney!!!

The Saints couldn’t force any turnovers last year, right?

INTs: Saints 13, Colts 9
Forced fumbles: Saints 22, Colts 13

Sorry people, but I simply am not afraid of these chumps. And you shouldn’t be either. The Colts got hot last year during the playoffs and went all the way, while the Saints ran into an unfavorable set of circumstances in Chicago and got their asses handed to them. But over 16 games last year, the Saints were every bit as good as the Colts, and they’re every bit as good as the Colts now.

Both coaches will probably be making gametime decisions at the quarterback position. (Just checking to see if you’re still reading.) Actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if Dungy sent Jim Sorgi out there only to have Peyton Manning audible himself in after Sorgi got to the line.

The way I see it, this game is gonna come down to each team’s defensive ends vs. the opponent’s offensive tackles, and each team’s running game. Neither team will stand a chance if it allows the opposing QB time to pick them apart. And each team is probably going to try to lean on the ground game to keep the opposing offense off the field.

Oh sure, both offenses are gonna take their shots through the air. Both teams’ passing offenses are too good not to. I’m just counting that aspect of the game as a wash. The deciding factors are going to be ball control, and the ability to force the opposing QB out of his comfort zone, to whatever extent possible. And judging by last year’s regular season stats, dare I even say the Saints look to have the edge?

Where perception diverts from reality is due to the Saints being the johnny come latelys and the Colts being the established powerhouse. Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison and Tony Dungy have been at this level a whole lot longer than Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Marques Coltson and Sean Payton have. And it’s understandable, the Colts have earned that RESPECK(!!!) through consistent success over a long time.

But that doesn’t mean they’re any better than the Saints right now. Rather, it seems pretty clear to me that right now these two teams are about as evenly matched as it gets. And until I’m shown otherwise, it seems to me that the Saints are the slightly better defensive team.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that the margin of victory won’t be 30, one way or the other. Any given Sunday and all. Or Thursday. You have to figure that all the pressure is on the Colts. They’re at home, they’re favored, everybody on the planet seems to think that the Colts should win. Meanwhile, it’ll be one of those unsatisfying but marginally useful "moral victories" if the Saints can even keep it close. Or at least that seems to be the perception. And if the Saints do actually win this game, oho baby. It is SO on.

So on some level, it’s a no-lose situation as long as the Saints don’t get blown out. And they won’t. Products will be pimped, John Cougar Hannity will sing about the heartland and the many models of high-quality American trucks that can be parked out in the driveway of your little pink house and/or driven to your local Tastee Freez so that you can suck upon a chilidog. If you’re so inclined, you can actually place a straight up wager on the number of Peyton Manning completions or Reggie Bush carries vs. each player’s commercial appearances. (Which sportsbook? Hey, I ain’t no enabler. If you want to throw your money down the toilet, you can find your own toilet.) Everyone will hawk their shit and make truckloads of money. Miniature American flags will be waved. Super Bowl atmosphere, indeed.

Football is back, bitches! God bless America!

Prediction: Saints 34, Colts 31

Prepare for a loooooooooooooooong, nervous night. Followed by an even longer time trying to come down enough to get to sleep.