Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls… dying time's here.

Welcome back to ass-kicking season, bitches. I don't know about you, but it seems to me Drew's looking a little nervous there. And why shouldn't he be? After all, THE WHOLE DAMN TEAM IS IN TURMOIL! Or something. The Saints are entering the 2012 season amidst UNPRECEDENTED CIRCUMSTANCES! And what in the hell would Drew Brees know about unprecedented? Clearly we're screwed. The Saints will be lucky not to have completely imploded by Halloween. Dozens of national Legitimate Media™ types can't possibly be wrong on this.

Fortunately for us, there will be plenty of time over the next six months or so for us to troll them and focus on how they suck, as the wins continue to mount and they become increasingly baffled and belligerent. Oh, it's gonna be big fun. Wait for it… wait for it…

Meantime, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. After all, we're only in the infantile stages of Adrian Arrington Season for crying out loud. Now is the time for pondering the many unknowns, asking ourselves all the "burning questions" and whatnot. (With special emphasis on the many ways it could all go horribly wrong.) And then pulling predictions out of our asses and acting like we have the slightest fuckin' clue how all this is gonna play out.

There seems to be some kind of unwritten rule among media types (both legitimate and otherwise) that it's mandatory to post at least one article (we in the illegitimate media are required to call them posts rather than articles, you know, just to avoid any confusion) about bubble players, positional battles, regular and postseason predictions and other speculative and masturbatory subject matter along those lines. And as we here at moosedenied always say, "Milhouse is jumping off a bridge? I'm there!"

The smart guys, like Bradley Handwerger over at WWLTV dot com, split them up and dole them out over several days in convenient bite-sized portions for busy professionals on the run. That's probably the better way to do it, but as we here at moosedenied also always say, "Fuck all that." We're not exactly the brightest bulbs in the chandelier over here anyway. So, as is our usual wont, we're gonna go ahead and mash it all up into one big long-winded mess that's certain to leave you exhausted and bemused. Hey, it's our thing. It's what we do.

Meantime, as much as we've been enjoying all the "camp questions" articles that have peppered the internet over the last week or so, especially the ones by guys who consistently and thoroughly kick large amounts of ass, we have detected a disturbing (though unsurprising) theme, at least on the legitimate side of things that is. For the most part, they're all asking the same damn questions. The ones we've already been hashing and rehashing all summer. And that's fine, I guess. But as we all know, our Prime Directive here at moosedenied is to at least offer you something different. To tread ground the legits dare not. So with that in mind, let's quit dicking around and get on with it already, shall we?

I think we can all agree on the one burning camp question that burns more furiously than all others, and stands to shape the future of the franchise going forward like no other. So we'll begin there…

Who wins the open competition at quarterback?
Anybody who claims to know the answer to this one this early on is clearly full of shit. Oh sure, you have to figure that Drew Brees is probably the early favorite here, if only because Mickey Loomis quietly gave him a pretty sweet little new contract a few weeks ago. But I'm not sure that's really all that relevant. As Jason Cole so eloquently pointed out a couple weeks ago, Loomis didn't really seem to care all that much one way or the other. Eventually, he ended up saying "Meh, alright fine. Fuck it, we're gonna need another warm body to share the reps in camp anyway, so why not?"

But, lest we forget, it wasn't too long ago when Loomis was referring to Brees as "a very good (as opposed to great) quarterback." Brees also missed all of the offseason, so you have to wonder what kind of grasp he has on the playbook, and what kind of toll all those Jimmy John's sammiches might have taken on Brees's body over the summer. Also, with all the extracurricular business ventures he's got going on these days, it's not unreasonable to question whether or not the commitment to football is still there. That first impression will be key, as the Saints' new head coach has no familiarity with, nor any loyalty to, any particular quarterback currently on the roster.

Meantime, you have to figure Chase Daniel(s) has somewhat of a leg up going in, in that he's had all offseason to develop a rapport with wideouts Adrian Arrington, Joe Morgan, Chris Givens and Nick Toon. That could be a significant advantage for Chase as the competition plays out. And don't sleep on Luke McCown and Sean Canfield. Hell, if all else fails, Donovan McNabb is still out there. Just sayin'.

I mean, hell, NFL Network caught Jennifer Hale referring to Drew as "Chase" just a couple days ago, for crying out loud. Clearly Daniel(s) has captured the hearts and minds of the city. And Sean Pamphilon is pretty sure Drew is a dick. This thing's got Sanchez/Tebow written all over it.

So it's really anybody's guess at this point. I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict that Brees comes out on top eventually. But he's gonna be on a short leash, as he kinda sucks in the Victory Formation. Dude loses at least yard on those plays pretty much every time, which fucks up the offensive stats. I think we could use an upgrade there, and I've got a hunch that the coaches agree. So we'll just have to wait and see. Who's named the starter for the 5th preseason game could tell the tale.

 

Who takes home the 2012 Onome Ojo Message Board Camp Beast trophy?
Trick question. There's no trophy, it's a belt. A huge fucking belt with 17 pounds of gold, studded with diamonds from Mike Cerullo's Super Bowl ring. Traditionally, this belt goes to a wideout. It's as predictable as the Heisman going to a quarterback or tailback. But every now and then, a JoLonn Dunbar or a Junior Galette or a Lynell Hamilton will break out and SHOCK THE WORLD by taking home the NFL's most prestigious internet-based preseason award. I think this might be one of those years.

My money's on Jerico Nelson, and here's why: 1) He plays the same position as Roman Harper, and for some reason the internet hates Roman Harper, 2) People on the internet don't like typing out "Isa Abdul-Quddus" and 3) Nelson already has the considerable weight of the Nakia Hogan hype machine behind him. Talk about a triple threat! He's already been named The Official Strong Safety of Finn McCool's. Just wait until he picks off Sean Canfield a couple times in practice. This guy… this is my kinda guy.

 

What's Garrett Hartley's issue gonna be this year? And what if Kasay is already back with the Panthers by then?
It's anybody's guess. Juggler's Despair? Bonus Eruptus? Lumber Lung? Skin Failure? Achy-Breaky Pelvis? Going AWOL to follow Fall Out Boy's fall tour? I suppose it could end up being any or all of those. With any luck, whatever it is will happen before the Saints break camp, while Kasay's still around and the extra spot can be used to carry that all-important third fullback. But with a little more luck, maybe it'll happen a couple weeks in and the Saints will have no choice but to finally do the smart thing and hand ALL kicking duties over to The Boot Of All Evil, Punter Hearst Helmsley, once and for all. Hell, they're already paying him as if he were two kickers anyway. Might as well milk it for all it's worth. And if all else fails, there's always our old friend Florian Kempf.

 

With Kenny Chesney (thankfully) banned by Roger from any contact with the Saints until next February, who will Joe Vitt bring in as this year's very special celebrity musical guest?
The obvious guess here is Lou Reed. Although, given this year's "Do Your Job" mantra, perhaps Bruce Springsteen would be the more appropriate choice. BRUUUUUUCE!!! USA! USA! USA!

 

What's this year's training camp fun time field trip gonna be, and who's gonna end up on the Midnight Train to Gimp City because of it?
Well, we've already done the trip to the waterpark, during which Billy Miller sustained a cut to his forehead after having pissed off the old lady working the lemonade stand and Scott Fujita bruised his heel from inadvertently kicking a kid in the face at the bottom of the waterslide. Then we had the bowling trip, in which Mike Bell slipped and fell because he wasn't wearing the right fuckin' shoes. Then there was the paintball excursion where Guantanamo Drew went a little PTSD with it and put 47 rounds right into Hartley's crotch.

This year? In an elaborate prank gone horribly wrong, Joe Vitt's head explodes when the team bus arrives at the corner of St. Peter & Dauphine and Vitt discovers that he had been grossly misinformed about what Southern Decadence is all about.

 

What happens when Tom Benson inevitably ends up buying the Times-Picayune?
Jeff Duncan shits his pants.

 

At what point do Smirkin' Skip and Screamin' A Smiff start floating the notion that, in retrospect, clearly Roger didn't come down hard enough on the Saints after all?
I'm thinking right around Halloween when the Saints are 7-0 and heading into a Monday night ESPN Production™ at The Benz™ against Michael Vick and his Dream Dynasty™.

 

(This next question comes to us from one of our intrepid readers, "Insider Mike"…)

How long until I nail the shit out of Mr. Arrogant for violating the terms of his suspension and my boy Rog drops another year in his stupid arrogant face?
Not gonna happen, Mike. No time for that. Coach is gonna be way too busy pounding Natty Lights and inhaling bag after bag of Doritos Jacked™ Buffalo Ranch while playing Madden 13 with Kenny and getting blown by various UNO coeds. "Do Your Job" indeed. High five, coach!

 

(Another reader-submitted question, this one from "Johnny B @ The Mothership"…)

In the coming days, we will be reporting that Akiem Hicks's "broken hand" which has kept him from participating in Saints training camp practices is actually an elaborate ruse orchestrated by Mickey Loomis to cover up Loomis's falsification of official Canadian documents pertaining to Hicks's temporary U.S. work visa and green card application. Our sources have confirmed that Loomis's fraud is in violation of NAFTA, as well as numerous federal immigration laws. If convicted, Loomis faces up to 17 consecutive life sentences in federal prison. Meanwhile, deportation proceedings have begun with regard to Hicks. Our investigation is ongoing, and the situation is fluid and subject to change. But we're totally not completely full of shit this time. Seriously, none of this was pulled straight out of my ass. Promise. Mind hooking a brother up and vouching for my credibility down there in the Big Sleazy?
I think you've got the wrong number there, Johnny. You meant to send this to jeffduncan@timespicayune.com right? Want me to forward it? I'll be discreet about it. Promise.

 

(And yet another, from "2-Down Curtis" via Twitter)

Say, remember when the Falcons scored 2 points in last year's playoffs, and even that was just because Eli Manning got flagged for grounding in the end zone? LOL fuckin' #MartyIce. SMH. #RodneyWhite
Yes. Yes I do. Good times. 

 

(This one's from "Prime Minister Pete" whose IP address seems to trace back to CBS Sports dot com…)

My sources indicate that the Falcons' locker room is still fuming over Drew Brees's classless and unsportsmanlike display of selfish stat-hounding from week 16 last year. After having witnessed Brees in action during yesterday's practice session, it seems pretty obvious to me that he'll be running up the score on a weekly basis once again this year like some kind of asshole. Sources are reporting that the Falcons are mad as hell and aren't gonna take it anymore. Surely nobody could blame them if they quite rightly place a bounty on Brees and settle this score once and for all, don't you think? It'd just be poetic justice, right?
Eat a dick, Pete.

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