Payton: Thanks for calling in, guys. I’m up shit creek right about now and I could really use some input on how to right this ship.

Miles: No problem, coach. Happy to help.

Carroll: Duuuuuuuuudes! What’s shakin’? What do you think of the hair, bitches? I’m telling you, that Consuela is a fuckin’ magician! God I look good!

Saban: Les, you still haven’t thanked me for all those recruits, asshole.

Payton: Guys, I’m desperate here. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. We can’t throw, we can’t catch, we can’t run, we can’t kick, we can’t play defense. I’m sinking here, can anybody help?

Carroll: You gotta give the ball to Reggie, brother. Give it to Reggie and light up a j, dude. Regggggeeeeeee. Duuuude.

Payton: I hear you, Pete. But I’m starting to think that Reggie might be a bit of a sissy. It’s like I give him the ball 20 times and he gets tackled maybe three times.

Carroll: Exactly, that’s ’cause Reggie is a fuckin’ superstar, dude! What’s the problem? What’s he giving you, three, four TDs a game?

Payton: Nah Pete. What I mean is that he keeps running directly to the sideline and goes out of bounds as soon as a defender gets within three yards of him.

Carroll: Well shit, coach. What do you expect? That’s how we roll in the O.C. The man has to protect his face. His face is his livelihood. Well, that and those rippling abs, which are fabulous, by the way. You can’t expect the guy to put his whole career on the line and risk bruises and shit. Where did you learn to coach?

Miles: Say Sean, you got any white dudes you could put back there?

Saban: MY RECRUIT!!! Just sayin’…

Payton: Well I’ve got Mike Karney. You think I ought to give him more carries, Les?

Haslett: MY DRAFT PICK!!! Just sayin’…

Miles: I don’t know, Sean. I’m just throwing it out there. You’re not getting any yards inside, and Karney is pretty much the only thing you’ve got left that can pass for a power back, right? I mean, Hester is a fullback by trade too. But you’ve gotta go with the guy who can get you those tough yards. And I agree that Reggie might be a sissy.

Carroll: Ask Kim Kardashian if Reggie is a sissy. FACE!!!!

Saban: I don’t even know what you’re worried about, Sean. Word is the Auburn job might be coming open at the end of the year. Fuck it, just ride it out until then.

Haslett: That job is MINE, assholes!

Saban: Trust me, Jimmy, you don’t want to be in Alabama any more than I do.

Haslett: I don’t want to be in Missourah either. And Mike Price told me there’s some primo ass down there in the sticks.

Saban: Touche.

Payton: And this Devery kid….

Saban: MY RECRUIT!!! Just sayin’…

Haslett: MY DRAFT PICK!!! Just sayin’…

Payton: …can’t catch worth a fuck. He’s killing me. I swear we could have won last week if not for all those drops.

Carroll: See, that’s why the NFL sucks ass. All they care about are wins and losses. In college, they’re deep thinkers, man. They understand that just because you’re a loss or two behind somebody else, that doesn’t mean that you’re not still better than them. The NFL needs to lighten up and not be so rigid, man. My hair still alright? What am I saying, of course it is.

Saban: Word is bond, Pete. I couldn’t agree more.

Miles: Did you just say "word is bond?"

Carroll: Right on, Nick. If I were in the NFL, there’s no way I’d be riding a streak of five straight championships.

Payton: You only have one championship, Pete.

Carroll: See Sean, that’s NFL thinking. You’ve got to free your mind, man. I’ve won a championship every year since 2003 when I kicked Nick’s ass in the Rose Bowl National Championship Game.

Payton: You beat Michigan in the Rose Bowl, Pete, and the Rose Bowl was not the championship game. Nick was coaching LSU at the time, who beat Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl, which was the championship game.

Saban: Oh I’ll be at Michigan soon enough.

Carroll: Sean, you’re still falling for that NFL mind trip, dude. I didn’t say we played them, I said we beat them. There’s no rule that says you’ve got to play somebody to beat them. And how was the Rose Bowl not a championship game? We won it, and we got a trophy. Ipso fatso, bitches. Nick knows what I’m talking about.

Saban: I can honestly say that I don’t really give a shit.

Haslett: Sean, I really think your main problem is your defense. You really suck at talent evaluation there, you can’t identify a linebacker for shit. And way to trade a sixth rounder for a kicker. Ha, what a jackass. If you’re gonna start throwing draft picks around, you use them on defensive studs like Tebucky Jones. I always knew Old Man Benson would rue the day he didn’t give me the ten year extension I asked for after a 3-13 season. Old bastard didn’t know how good he had it.

Saban: Jim’s right, Sean. You need to load up on some of my recruits. Ask Les, he knows what I’m talking about.

Miles: Fuck you, Nick.

Carroll: Speaking of recruits, what about that Tim Riggins? That’s a damn fine hunk of fullback right there. I can’t wait to get my hands on that kid.

Miles: Tim Riggins isn’t real, Pete. He’s a fictional character.

Carroll: Exactly. He’s got superstar written all over him. Just having him on the roster ought to be worth about four or five spots in the media poll. Dude is Hollywood all the way. Gorgeous hair, drinking problem, brooding eyes, Canadian accent… GOD I CAN’T WAIT!!!!

Haslett: Connie Britton has a magnificent rack.

Payton: Guys, guys, can we please get back…. I agree, Jim…. back on track here? Please?

Saban: What about that Lyla Garrity? You guys think she’s legal? And what about the coach’s bitch daughter? Probably a couple more years on that one, huh? Sure as hell looks like she’s following in her mom’s footsteps there. You know, rack-wise.

Miles: I can identify with Coach Eric Taylor. He seems like a fine man, I like the cut of his jib. He could coach for me anytime. He didn’t take no shit off of that Voodoo Tatum kid.

Carroll: And what about that Peter Petrelli kid? Oh. My. God! Come over here and get under center, big guy.

Payton: Oh for fuck’s sake, that’s not even the right show, Pete! Can we please….

Saban: I like Sylar, myself. That guy has ambition!

Haslett: They need to just go ahead and kill off that hot chick with the split personalities. I mean, not that she’s not quite the piece of ass, but could that whole storyline be any more boring? And that new brother and sister couple with the bleeding eyes, they suck balls. Who came up with these people? Dude’s all ethnic and shit though, Sean. Maybe he could kick for you. AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Saban: Claire’s pretty hot. Think she’s legal? That horn rimmed glasses dude is an idiot. She’s not even his blood relative, and he can always get the Haitian to wipe her memory. And he’s not all over that? What a chump.

Miles: That’s pretty disturbing, Nick.

Saban: Oh shut your piehole, Les, you prude. I’m Nick fucking Saban. I can do whatever I want. And need I remind you that I currently reside in Alabama? And until recently the Bennetts were residents of Texas. Does the phrase "When in Rome" mean anything to you? You’re welcome for all those recruits, by the way.

Payton: Alright you know what? All of you guys can choke on a cock. All I wanted was a little advice, and you guys haven’t been any help at all. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you. I’m out!

Haslett: Who’s the fifth guy?

Miles: I think he got you twice, Jim.

Carroll: So who wants to talk Pushing Daisies?