Oct
18

A Nightmare That You’ll Never Be Discovering

WORST 35-17 WIN TO IMPROVE TO 6-1 ON THE SEASON EVER! They're gonna get their asses kicked if they play like that in Tuscaloosa!

I hate to be the one to break it to ya, because I know you don't wanna hear it, I know it's frightening and it makes you uncomfortable, but sooner or later we're gonna have to come to terms with the notion that the Saints are pretty clearly the best team in the NFC. Maybe by a lot. Hell, they might very well not lose another game. Keep checking under the bed if you must, but there ain't no bogeyman down there. Nick Saban Pete Carroll isn't hiding in the closet waiting for the perfect moment to jump out and eat your soul. It's okay to stop soiling yourself in fear that the nightmare scenarios in your head may potentially come true at some arbitrary point in the future. It's still daylight outside, for crying out loud.

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Oct
17

Why Football Happen As It Do

"Like mama used to say… it beez dat way sometimes. Have mercy!" ~Iceman King Parsons

Welp. Some days you're Ferris, and some days you're Rooney. From very early on Sunday afternoon, it just felt like it was gonna be one of those Rooney type days. No matter how much you're onto him, no matter how pegged you've got the whole situation, no matter how close you get to blowing the whole thing up and serving sweet justice, unfortunate circumstances and the occasional self-defeating ploy just repeatedly kick you in the face all day long while that slippery little bastard saunters his way into escape after narrow escape with a smug grin and a clever quip. Without a care in the world, he fucks up over and over again and comes out smelling like a rose anyway, while you keep getting boned right in the ass just when you think you've finally gotten the upper hand. And it just eats you up inside. Angrys up the blood.

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Oct
17

A Bad Time To Be In Love

One of the more annoying things about the Saints being 5-0, for all intents and purposes having already won the division, being currently in possession of the #1 seed in the NFC, and all that other "good" shit, is all the obnoxious excitement and joy being expressed by fans who obviously don't truly get it. See, people get blinded by all the success and start thinking everything is great, when the reality is that we're actually screwed. SCREWED! Well, it's high time we put down the pom-poms, wipe those stupid smiles off our faces, wake the fuck up and start fearing the numerous bogeymen hiding under the bed. Because, as the realists among us already know, it's just a matter of time until they get us.

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Oct
14

Eat My Dust, You Insensitive Fuck

Nothing like three and a half hours of high-quality primetime competence porn 24 hours removed from yet another Falcons loss to keep that boner raging. I don't know about you, but my nipples could cut glass right about now.

And as Mike Smith, Marty Ice, Rodney White, Greg Schiano and Ron Rivera continue to fade in the rear-view, perhaps even better, so too do Gregg Williams and Steve Spagnuolo. I suspect we're gonna need a bigger bowl of dicks. Roger hasn't even had any yet.

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Sep
13

Sixteen in the Clip and One in the Hole

Feelin' a little better this week? I sure as hell am.

Oh, it is so on now, bitches. 17, 14, 7. #trending. And we all know what's coming next, right? 6 Monday night against Miami, 3 at Chicago, and a big fat fuck-you goose egg for Tom Brady.

Alright fine, maybe not. But you wouldn't have believed me if I'd have said "17, 14, 7" a month ago either. Suddenly stuff like that doesn't seem so incomprehensible anymore, does it? Better yet, and I'm surprised this hasn't been getting more play than it has so far, by all accounts they're leaving opposing offensive players pissed off and banged up afterwards. On a weekly basis. They're effective, and that's great, it's precisely what we were all hoping for. But it's more than that. They're actually beating chumps down and crushing souls (and for once, those souls aren't ours.) And it's glorious.

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Sep
10

House Money

Well, shit. So much for Sean Payton's Revenge Tour.

The Saints are off to a second consecutive 0-2 start and it sure doesn't look like these guys have it in 'em to climb out of the early hole they've dug for themselves. Just our luck, right? The defensive retooling has so far exceeded even our most wildly optimistic expectations, but right on cue, our formerly historically-great offense has suddenly turned to complete dogshit. Because, of course. Drew Brees and Sean Payton both have their heads up their asses. Mark Ingram is useless. The offensive line has clearly fallen completely apart after the losses of load-bearing beams Aaron Kromer and Jermon Bushrod. Hope you weren't really expecting any kind of "bounce back season" this year, because all indications are that instead, it's time to get to work on the offensive rebuilding project. Who ya got, Jake Matthews or Johnny Football?

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Sep
18

Kennys From Heaven

You'll find your fortune fallin' all over town. Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.

Cha-ching! Eat a dick, Matty.

Two catches for 86, five solo tackles, a win-clinching pass defended on the last play of the game against a first-ballot Saints-killing hall of famer, and just for good measure, a "dirty" but potentially game-changing remember-me hit on the opponent's douchebag quarterback. Not half bad for a couple of rookies in their NFL debuts, eh? Welcome to the party, Kenny and Kenny. Please make yourselves at home.

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Sep
12

Children of the Revolution -or- Long Distance Meacharound

Mr. Arrogant strikes again!

As if it weren't enough that the Saints kept 10 rookies on the 53-man roster, including 6 who were undrafted, and another two redshirt rookies on top of that, then they turn right around and sign perhaps the biggest free agent bust of 2012. And the question on everybody's mind is "Why???"

Here's why: Because he can, bitches.

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Aug
5

Throw Thoze Yellow Fingas Up

Goodnight, Fat Prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest in Bel Air Belize. Or in other words, yo homes, smell ya later!

What, too soon?

I don't know what the hell everybody's boo-hooing about. I mean, who'da figured a top 3-to-5 NFL offense would make a brand new 34 defense — playing its third game in the system, on the road for the first time, without half its linebackers – look like dogshit on two (maybe three) of six first-half drives? SHOCKING, right? What a bunch of chumps! Clearly we're doomed. Or something.

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Aug
3

No Fn Problem

Well that was fun. Nothing like dropping a big steaming deuce on Oakland to reinvigorate the ole preseason boner. Sorry about that, Tracy & Matt. But hey, you know how it is.

How positive was it? Our esteemed local Legits™ have given us permission to go ahead and get a little excited. Not too excited, of course. After all, "Oakland in August" and whatnot. But kind of a medium level of excitement/optimism is apparently perfectly acceptable at this point. So we've got that going for us. Preciate that, Trip! High five!

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Aug
11

Still Two Miracles Short of Sainthood

Welp, that happened. Not sure what it was supposed to be, but hey, the Saints "won" so… um… cha-ching? Or something?

There's been an awful lot of talk this week about the desire to hasten the transition between the remaining grizzled veterans on defense who (surprise!) still ain't getting the job done and ain't ever gonna get any better from here, to a handful of guys waiting in the wings who may not exactly be "ready" just yet, but at least offer glimpses of something resembling hope going forward. And I'm sure you won't be surprised when I tell you I couldn't agree more. For crying out loud, if you're gonna revamp, get on with it and revamp already.

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Aug
9

Beard Science -or- Fuzzy Logic

"My creation… is it real?" ~Rob Ryan

And so it begins. So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?

Friday night should give us our first somewhat "real" hint as to whether or not the hard-sell they've been putting on us the last couple weeks re: this new-and-theoretically-improved defense has any basis in reality whatsoever, as our old pals Chunky Chase and Terrance Copper return to the Benz™ for some good old fashioned pushing and shoving against Our Heroes (and Patrick Robinson.) Fingers crossed.

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