Sports Illustrated’s web site has posted a handful of pretty pictures cobbled together under the bullshit category of “Most Fun Athletes to Watch”

Far be it from me to take issue with pretty pictures. The ones I like tend to require hacked passwords, but to each his own. At any rate, it’s the bullshit category I have an issue with. Most fun to watch, eh? Define ‘fun.’

 Let’s take a look:

Reggie Bush
Hey, I’m a Saints fan. So I’m proud to say that I no longer hate Reggie’s guts. It’s anyone’s guess how long it will stay that way. But for now, he has my full endorsement, and I’m sure he’s thrilled about that.

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Manu Ginobli
Apparently this guy works for some organization in some sports league known as the NBA. I’m not sure what that stands for, but I’m sure it’s fascinating. This would have been better filed under “Athletes With Squeakiest Shoes.” Isn’t a manu something that fat women wear? I think I saw in a commercial somewhere that his face is no longer irritating. Good for you, Manu. Keep reaching for the stars!

Tony Stewart
He’s orange. And a car. Oh wait, the “athlete” is the dude in the car? Well noooo shit. Something just isn’t quite right about applying the term “athlete” to a guy who remains seated for the entire duration of his event. Same goes for the phrase “fun to watch.”

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Sidney Crosby
They have hockey in the U.S. now? Who knew?

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Phil Mickleson
I believe it was George Carlin who described watching golf as “like watching flies fuck.” Is it any wonder that Carlin is one of the greatest human beings to ever walk the earth? As was the case with Tony Stewart, my beef here is the use of the term “athlete” and the phrase “fun to watch.” Rule of thumb: If you can walk directly off the playing field and into a dining establishment that has a “smart-casual” dress code, there’s probably a more appropriate term than “athlete.”

Marco Materazzi
A) Who the fuck is Marco Materazzi?
B) Soccer? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
C) Isn’t Materazzi some kind of luxury/performance sportscar for balding, middle-aged, obscenely-wealthy assfaces with small cocks?
D) Inter Milan sounds like a gay hair salon in Austin, Texas.
E) Soccer?!?!? No wonder he has a tatoo on….. his….. thigh. I shit you not.

Carolina Kluft
99 Kluftballons auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont. I’m pretty sure my first statement against the Cold War was the act of beating off to Nena 99 times a day. As for Carolina, I’m pretty sure her senior class voted her “Most Likely To Squeeze A Dookie Through Spandex.” She’s a Heptathlete, so don’t confuse her with Ron Mexico, the world’s most accomplished Hepatathlete. No disrespect to track & field people, who are quite possibly the very definition of ‘athlete’, but watching track is like watching NASCAR, except with athletes. Admit it, you’ve never heard of her, and you don’t particularly care that now you have.

Kevin Harvick
I’m not sure what sport this guy makes his business, but he seems pretty damned happy about it. So good for him. Apparently, it features star-shaped confetti. Which means it probably also features fellatio. Which might explain the facial expression. Perhaps matches are held at the Inter Milan Salon in Austin, Texas.

Steven Lopez
Now this guy gets my full endorsement. I’m pretty sure he was one of the stars of the video for New Order’s 1987 smash-hit single True Faith. (Bernard Sumner, fuck yeah!) So basically, he can do whatever he wants. Fuck with this guy, I put a foot in your ass.

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Fabrice Santoro
He’s Fabricious!

Nice shirt, jackass.

Whatever happened to Vic Braden anyway?

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Courtney Paris
An NCAA women’s basketball player. From Oklahoma. Oh yeah, it’s fuckin’ party time now. In case you’re wondering, that’s not Courtney in the picture. That’s a “fan” caught in SI.com’s shot standing behind her. “Most Fun to Watch” indeed. Trust me though, she’s a hoss. I’m not about to start fucking with her. Neither is this guy, apparently.

Oh okay, fine. Here’s Courtney. Oof.

Eric Byrnes
Well, I suppose he kinda looks like the white guy from Wang Chung. Or, at least, the way I figure the Wang Chung guy probably looks these days. So he’s got that going for him. But, really, Eric Byrnes? Really?

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Martin St. Louis
Apparently when you speak of this guy, you’re supposed to say “Marteen San LouEE.”

To that, I say: “Go fuck yourself.”

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