Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big ole pile of shit in his hands, and he says "Look what I almost stepped in"?

Click Play for sweet yodeling action!

At long last, the time is finally upon us. It begins, bitches. This Thursday, our heroes (and Jason David) head out to the desert for sixty minutes of mostly-pointless rambunctiousness versus the Unpainted Arizona Cardinals. Glendale may look as fertile as the Tennessee Valley, but it’s a rocky place where a man’s seed can find no purchase. The projected HI (see what I did there?) for Thursday currently stands at 104°. If I were Drew Brees, I think I’d skip this little get together, slip out with the boys and knock back a couple of Coca Colas.

Fortunately, most of us will be enjoying the game in glorious 1080i from the comfort of our favorite seating apparatus while enveloped in sweet, sweet conditioned air. Oh I know that University of Phoenix Stadium is climate controlled, but it’s still Arizona. They might be able to get it down to 95 if everyone remains perfectly still. Sure, it may be "a dry heat" but the chilidog-sucking hayseeds sitting to either side of you are sure to be quite moist.

Of course, we’ll be lucky to even catch a fleeting glimpse of Drew, Dulymus, Big #12, Little #25 or Shockey. Devery, Porter and McKenzie probably won’t play either. But I’m sure we’ll get plenty of Jason David. Alright!

But that doesn’t mean there won’t be plenty of stuff to keep us entertained anyway. Hell, it’s Saints football! That in and of itself is enough to keep my nipples hard enough to cut glass. And most of us are probably far more interested in familiarizing ourselves with the lesser-known quantities on the roster anyway. Especially since this year, it doesn’t involve having to sit through a couple of hours of Jason Fife and Matt Baker. Der Kommissar’s still in town, but that’s a smaller price to pay.

Here are some of the things I’ll be watching for Thursday night:

How the Saints’ non-Colston wideouts perform against a legit defensive backfield
The Cardinals’ secondary is underrated. A lot of people think they suck, but they don’t. Through the first half of last season, before they got completely blown up by injuries, they were a top 10 pass defense.

Despite the fact that I hate his guts for signing with Arizona instead of the Saints, setting in motion a string of events that would eventually lead to the Jason David Experience, Roderick Hood proved to be a solid starting corner last year. Antrel Rolle has moved to free safety for this year, which is something he probably should have done a long time ago, and he’ll probably do well there. Adrian Wilson is back from injury. And then there’s Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, who was probably the most popular non-Dorsey/Eliis potential option for the Saints’ pick in the first round back in April.

This group ought to be a far stiffer test for the Saints’ wideouts than they’ve been getting in practice. I think it would be a good idea to sit Colston and Patten very early, if they even have to suit up at all, and take a look at Meachem and Arrington while the Cardinals’ best defensive backs are still in the game. Let’s see if these dudes are for real when they’re not going up against Jason David and Josh Bullocks.

Matt Leinart
Remember when the overwhelming majority of us were actually hoping the Saints would draft this douche? Guh. Never underestimate the impact Aaron Brooks can have on the psyche of a fanbase.

But in the third month, an angel appeared in New Orleans, to a man named Mickey. The angel went to him and said "Greetings, you who are highly favored. Do not be afraid, Mickey. You shall sign a veteran quarterback right out from under a couple of assbags in the village of Miami. His infirmity will bring great fear to your people. But he shall be healed. He will be great, and he will reign over the house of Benson for years to come." And Mickey answered "May it be to me as you have said."

Whew. Bullet dodged. Matt has put up a stellar 56% completion percentage (to Boldin and Fitzgerald, mind you) and a 71.2 career passer rating, while throwing 16 picks to 13 touchdowns, being sacked 25 times and fumbling 8 times (2 lost) and missing 11 games last year. Oof. He has been criticized publicly by his own head coach, and he’s having a hell of a time holding off the 80 year old Kurt Warner. On the other hand, he has probably banged Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton and other various starlets, socialites and run of the mill bar/beach skanks by the metric assload. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice. 

Big Sed, Bobby McCray and the new-and-improved defensive line (with a word of caution)
Hollis Thomas has been getting some pretty stellar reviews so far in camp. To a lesser extent, so has Antwan Lake. And of course then there’s Big Sed. But a word of caution, if they kick an awful lot of ass up the middle Thursday night, take it with a grain of salt. The Cardinals have already lost their first and second string centers in camp. They’ll probably be lining up a third-year undrafted free agent who’s already on his fourth team, or a dude named Lyle.

On the other hand, due to all the injuries, they’ve apparently moved rookie guard and moosedenied favorite Hercules Satele to center as well. That name again is Hercules Satele. (You may know him as Heracles.)

Still, the Cardinals’ offensive line (even if it were completely healthy) is not nearly as stout as the line these guys have been facing in practice. So try not to go completely batshit if it starts to look like "new and improved" doesn’t even do justice to the Yaw Yaw Unit. You know how the desert can be with the mirages.

Feel free to go batshit, however, if Big Sed ends up on top of Matt Leinart. Because, that? Would be pretty entertaining.

Our old pal Terrelle Smith
In my best Sideshow Mel voice: He’s kicking it old school!

Honorable mention to Dirk Johnson, who probably should have replaced Toby Gowin after 2002 instead of the Mitchberger.

Early Doucet
He’ll probably be catching balls mainly from the Cardinals’ best quarterback, and notorious Saints killer, Warner. He might also find himself lined up against Jason David. Oh my. If so, it could be a long hour or so for the anti-LSU crowd. Which would be big fun for me.

Of course, I’d be far happier if Early failed miserably, no matter who’s covering him Thursday night. But since I’ve been blessed with the rare skill of being able to not turn any and every little thing into the end of the world, I suppose I come out a winner either way. High five!

–

It’s preseason, bitches! And just like the players, we internet Saints fans can only hope to survive it.

It’s gonna be a long four days. Fortunately, thanks to ESPN, we still have one week left before message boards far and wide fill with a seemingly infinite number of questions which all have the same answer: "Check your local listings." And there surely will be at least as many half-baked schemes to illegally watch and/or listen to the game in real time on the web. The peer to peer networking sites are gonna be like pigs in shit. Hundreds of out of town Saints fans looking for a free lunch will heap praise upon those claiming to have the magic recipe for getting one over on The Man. And if you’re like me, you will want to poke your eyes out with an icepick. But fear not, for there will be a payoff. Right around kickoff, hilarity will ensue.

But that’s not until next week. In the meantime we’ll just have to settle for the numerous "Brunell is better than Drew!" and "Chris Reis should start!" and "Marquies Gunn is a beast!" and "Trade Reggie for nine first rounders while you still can!" posts. Oh, you know how this works. You could set your clock by it.

It’s gonna be gold. Gold, Jerry!