Never underestimate the ability of a total dipshit to pull some kind of utterly inane, completely baseless, deliberately contrarian "point" right out of his ass, and then construct a 1000-word "argument" expounding on the aforementioned utterly inane point based on "reasoning" even world-renowned critical thinker Roddy White would consider specious. This just in: Yahoo! Sports' Legitimate NFL Troll Journalist™ Jason Cole is one such dipshit.

Let's pause here for a second while the internet collectively responds: "Well no shit."

Fair enough. Hardly a shocking revelation. But every now and then our old buddy Jason figures it'd be a good idea to go ahead and drop one hell of a stark reminder right in our faces. Let's take a closer look at Cole's latest steaming pile, shall we?

Prolonged Drew Brees contract negotiations were waste of time by Saints

Unlike the time I'm about to put to good use reading this article, right Jason? Gotta love the desperate attention-grab right in the headline. Straight out of Message Board Guy's bag of tricks. It's a valid point though. Complete waste of time. I mean, as long as you ignore silly little details like the fact that the whole exercise resulted in the Saints… you know… signing him. Not that that really matters or anything. Loomis probably should have just told Drew to go fuck himself back in March and got on with trying to lure Brett Favre out of retirement, right Jason?

Drew Brees reportedly hit the magical $20 million-a-year plateau, but one question remains: Why did it take the New Orleans Saints so long?

Ah, I see now. Jason figures this thing should have gotten done a long time ago. And by golly, he just can't figure out why Mickey Loomis and Tom Benson just sat there with their dongs in their hands for five months when they should have been… I don't know, holding a gun to Drew's head or something? I'm gonna go out on a limb though and predict that Jason actually has an opinion or two on this issue, which aren't the least bit retarded, and he's planning on answering his own question later on in the piece. I'm sure it'll have something to do with it being the largest and likely the most complex deal in NFL history, the fact that there were and are franchise-crippling cap implications to consider, and that it's impossible to get a deal done until… you know… the player is actually willing to put pen to paper. Or perhaps it'll just be that Mickey Loomis and Tom Benson are a couple of dumbasses. Let's find out!

This is the same team, after all, that didn't much care about numbers back in 2006 when it first signed Brees. At the time, Brees' right arm was in a sling from shoulder surgery and the Saints still offered him a six-year, $60 million deal. New Orleans general manager Mickey Loomis even threw in an extra $2 million just to get the deal done.

And the Miami Dolphins BOLDLY opted for Daunte Culpepper instead. How'd that work out? Jason's point stands though, and isn't the least bit oversimplified and revisionist. Clearly Loomis didn't give a single fraction of a shit about the numbers back in 2006, he was throwing Tom Benson's money around like Charlie Sheen at a strip joint. Hell, he probably had that extra couple mildo withdrawn in singles and physically stuck them down in Drew's briefs. "There's plenty more where that came from, big guy." It went a little something like that, right Jason? And yeah, they weren't the least bit concerned about Drew's shoulder. "Meh, fuck it. I'm sure it'll be fine." And nevermind that the $60MM the Saints paid Drew over those six years ended up being 19th among quarterbacks over that span of time. Don't let that dissuade you from buying into Jason's assertion that Loomis went all Dan Snyder with it back in 2006.

Loomis, of course, was trying to put the Saints back together in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, so maybe his perspective was different.

Gee, ya think?

Know what else might have affected Loomis's perspective back then? The fact that he was trying to rebuild a team that had gone 3-13 the previous year. That the quarterbacks on his roster at the time were Aaron Brooks and Todd Bouman, for crying out loud. That his draft options were future trainwrecks Matt Leinart and Vince Young. That his other free agent options were Chris Simms, Jon Kitna, Josh McCown, Jeff Garcia, Tim Rattay, Sage Rosenfels, Jay Fiedler, Charlie Batch, Ken Dorsey, Seneca Wallace, Chris Weinke and Anthony Wright.

But, yeah. Katrina. I'm sure that was the main thing, Jason. Or something. Solid analysis there. Katrina!!!

"What's the difference over a couple of million dollars?" Loomis said at the time while standing at the NFL owners meetings in Orlando in 2006.

And he was absolutely right, Jason. Because, injury or not, he had just landed a 26 year old quarterback who had already been to one Pro Bowl for a relative pittance, while saving us all from the nightmare of having had to settle for one of the other aforementioned options. Well, either that or he just didn't give a shit one way or the other, right?

This year, Loomis is trying to keep the Saints together after commissioner Roger Goodell blew through town this offseason with heavy sanctions.


Yet despite Brees' stunning list of accomplishments over the past six years, including breaking Dan Marino's single-season mark for most passing yards in '11, Loomis chose to fight a long battle over a couple of million dollars a year.

Well, it's not like Drew has ever really deserved the MVP or anything, right Jason? I mean, it's not like he's Peyton Manning or Tom Brady or Tony Romo or Tim Tebow.

And it's not like it's… you know… Loomis's job to do precisely that.

I guess Jason figures Loomis wasn't conscientious enough as a GM when he carelessly made it rain and signed the guy who would turn out to be the single most prolific quarterback in the league over the last six years to a contract that made him the 19th highest paid QB over that time. But once that same QB was due a cap-crippling new contract to become the highest-paid player in the history of the NFL, all of a sudden Loomis was being too conscientious by what Jason wants you to believe was little more than quibbling over chump change. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Guh.

Brees' agent, the powerful and strong-willed Tom Condon, had been toying with asking for as much as $23 million per year. Loomis had hoped to keep the deal in the range of $18 million a year. Ultimately, both relented, but not before Brees pushed the plateau for new contracts to a higher level.

Powerful. Strong-willed. Impeccably manscaped. Hung like a buffalo. "Pushes the plateau" like no other. You need a few minutes alone there, Jason? I'll wait.

Your numbers, Jason. $23MM/yr vs $18MM/yr. They settled at $20MM/yr. I know this math stuff can be confusing, but think about it. Take all the time you need. I've got pen and paper if it'll help. 23 minus 20 equals..? And 20 minus 18 equals..? Right. Now let's go ahead and think a little more about the issue of who got his plateau pushed.

Of course they both relented. You're familiar with the concept of negotiation, right? And of course Drew became the highest paid player in league history. Did you not think he would? Hell, everybody knew that. You're familiar with Drew Brees's body of work over the last six years, right?

Brees can officially now go about repairing the damage done to the team this offseason by the bounty scandal. How does Brees do that?

Well, I don't know, Jason. I'm all ears. How does he do that? He can't get the suspensions taken away. He can't get the draft picks back. And despite everyone's insistence that the team is sinking into the Gulf of Mexico over all this bounty bullshit, I haven't seen the slightest indication that they've sustained any "damage" beyond that. To the contrary, all indications are that everybody's been doing just fine throughout all of this. I mean, if you've got "sources" telling you that they've all been privately curled up in a fetal position and sobbing for the last five months, then do tell. Barring that, what kind of "damage" are you talking about, exactly?

I mean, surely you're not talking about some kind of "public relations damage." Because The Benz™ never ceased to be sold out for the foreseeable future, the support of the fan base (both locally and far and wide) continues to be as strong as it's ever been in franchise history, and nobody really gives a fuck what the national media and the rest of the country at large thinks. I'm not kidding. I know it must be hard for you all to come to grips with, but seriously, nobody gives a fuck. Get used to it.

Brees isn't just the quarterback of the Saints; he is the de facto coach in the absence of Sean Payton, who is serving a one-year suspension for his role in the bounty scandal. Sure, Joe Vitt has the interim head coach title, but Brees is the guy who every player (and even most coaches) is going to look to for answers as the Saints navigate a challenging 2012 season.

And Brees is back now. So your point is..?

This paragraph does carry value though, because the notion hadn't occurred to me before, but now I shall not rest until Joe Vitt, or Aaron Kromer, or Drew Brees, or Kenny Chesney, or Thomas Morstead… somebody, anybody… is bestowed the official title of De Facto Head Coach. I want it on all the FOX, NFLN and ESPN chyron. I want it in the press releases and Legitimate Media™ articles and all over the damn place. I want Saints players and coaches showing up to press conferences wearing tee shirts with De Facto Head Coach silkscreened across the chest. Make it happen, Lauren!

The most shocking part of this offseason is that the Saints, starting with Loomis and owner Tom Benson, didn't seem to realize (or value) that.

What clued you in to that, Jason? Was it when Mickey Loomis and Tom Benson were asked about it at a press conference and they were all "Who the fuck is Drew Brees?"

Or was it several months ago when it was first reported that there was an offer on the table to make Drew the highest-paid player in NFL history? Or was it when Mickey Loomis told the Legitimate Media™ that he'd get run out of town if he failed to get this deal done? Or was it when Tom Condon reportedly hadn't been returning the Saints' phone calls for weeks on end?

Perhaps if this year had been "uncapped" like… oh, wait… nevermind. Am I right, Jerry Jones?

But yeah, clearly the main problem here was that the organization was of the opinion that Drew was some kind of chump. Once again, solid analysis there, Jason.

That's telling as to why the Saints have had such a poor history up until the past six years. Loomis and Benson lacked the vision it took to win and only got it when they had the good fortune to hire Payton and sign Brees when he was damaged goods.

Yeah. "See, if you take away the last six years…" You know, the most recent ones. The ones that feature four playoff berths, two NFC Championship Games and a motherfucking Lombardi Trophy. (High five!) And the only reason any of that happened anyway was because the organization somehow fell ass-backwards into Sean Payton and Drew Brees. Nah, no "vision" going on there. See, the last six years are little more than something that just kinda happened. Dumb luck.

As "evidenced" by the organization's months-long SHOCKING complete disinterest in keeping the single greatest player in franchise history on the payroll. Right Jason? Shit, it's a good thing the powerful, strong-willed and stunningly handsome Tom Condon finally woke Mickey Loomis up (by returning his phone call) and forced Loomis into finally doing the smart thing for once.

Now, at a time when the team could have used Brees around the building as much as possible, Loomis decided to play hardball until now.

And now, at a time when I could have been thinking you weren't a complete dipshit, I actually have been thinking that you are in fact a complete dipshit. All the way until now. And now, much like up until now, I am still now thinking you are in fact a complete dipshit. Both now and also up until now. And I will continue to think that from now until some other future now.

Tell me, Jason, how exactly could the organization have used Drew around the building? How exactly has the team or the franchise suffered by not having him around the building? What would it have changed? You don't have the slightest fucking clue what you're babbling about, do ya? Neither do I. Not now, and not until now.

This negotiation was so predictable that it could have been carried out by off-Broadway actors.

And yet, you pretend to be shocked and appalled at the way it all went down. So everybody saw this coming but you. Is that what you're telling us, Jason? Because if so, it'd be the first thing in this whole rambling mess that makes a lick of damn sense.

Loomis spent the early part of the offseason defending his silly position while Condon stood his ground and just waited, knowing that Loomis was eventually going to buckle.

Oh, for the love of fuck. You just finished telling us that Loomis was the one who foolishly chose to play hardball, Jason. The whole point you've been trying (and failing, miserably) to make throughout this entire steaming pile is that it was Loomis and Benson who had been "wasting time" getting this thing done.

Now it's all because of the incredibly dreamy Tom Condon's steely abs resolve? But that's okay because in the end he got Mickey Loomis to "buckle" in conceding an extra $2MM/yr? While Condon conceded $3MM/yr, according to the numbers you offered yourself earlier in this very article?

Do you even read what you're writing?

The fact that the Saints made the best player in team history wait to get paid is a true head-scratcher.

It's really not. It's just that you're a total retard.

Drew wouldn't put pen to paper. Condon wouldn't return Loomis's phone calls, with the richest contract offer in NFL history sitting on his desk.

Perhaps if Loomis had… wait for it… BUGGED CONDON'S OFFICE(!!!) or something…

But that's just what they did, even as the rest of the team was in disarray amid the scandal.

If only Drew had been around to pat the rest of these grown-ass men on their fragile little heads as they all took turns crying on his shoulder, maybe the team wouldn't have… um… what exactly? Completely fallen apart? Is that we're supposed to believe happened over the summer?

Or is that what all the other dumbasses around the league are supposed to believe? Because that'd be just fine with me.

While it's impossible to quantify, their lack of urgency to get this deal done makes the task of trying to win this season that much harder.

Yeah, well, we'll see if we can't go ahead and quantify all that for ya in a couple weeks when Ass Kicking Time finally rolls back around. That work for ya, champ? Wait for it… wait for it…

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