(Yeah, I've been known to rock out to a little Gordo every now and then. What of it?)

So, have you heard? Tonight at 11:00, it all starts falling apart.

Dogen is dead, the CBA is dead, "the rules" are out the window, and now there's nothing left to keep Al Davis, Daniel Snyder and Jerry Jones from invading our temple and unleashing their smoky wrath all over our asses. Clearly, the time to panic is now. If only we had some of Desmond's huge DHARMA syringes left. Damn that little punkass Australian baby! Now we're totally screwed!

Diamond Joe Quimby: People, we are far from screwed!

We already covered the Darren Sharper situation in Tuesday's relatively crappy post. He'll be back sooner or later, probably sooner, and there will be gladhanding and "Who Dat"s all around. The only question left at this point is whether we here at moosedenied shall henceforth refer to Sharper as Leslie Arzt or Neil Frogurt. Arzt seems more appropriate, and Aaron Littleton might be even more appropriate than that, what with the crying and all. But Frogurt is funnier, so we're leaning in that direction.

It'll probably end up very close to the 3yr/$11MM rumored to already be on the table. After all, even Al Davis, Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder weren't interested last year, opting instead for Hiram Eugene, Gerald Sensabaugh and Laron Landry respectively. The three posted a combined three interceptions last year. And Sensabaugh keeps several automatic rifles and cases of hand grenades in the trunk of his Bentley, and everybody hates Landry's guts. So… uh… yeah.

There's been much wailing and gnashing of teeth over Sharper's recent cozying up to the Bears via some crappy Chicago talk radio show. And I suppose it's never a bad strategy for a safety to seek an inflated desperation contract from whatever team currently has Josh Bullocks on their roster. On the other hand, trying to use the McCaskey family to raise the bar on your market value is like hiring Bobby Hebert to tutor your kid in English. It just ain't gonna yield the desired result.

Sweet Jebus, when is this asshole gonna stop talking about Sharper? We get it already!

Fair enough. Just this one last thing. As Pat Yasinkas pointed out a couple days ago, proving once again that he has a firm grasp of the obvious, the Saints do have options at free safety should Sharper decide to return his crested blazer out of spite. I mean, you've gotta do something with Usama Young, right? And there's also the matter of figuring out how to squeeze a little more juice out of your 2009 first round pick than you get from a nickel or dime corner.

Scotty Badass isn't likely to get a whole lot of play on the market either. Hey, I love the Secret Asian Man as much as the next guy. So don't go apeshit on me or anything, jeffrey. I'm just sayin'. Here's the thing with Fujita: since 2006, he's started 16, 15, 13 and 10 games. In that order. Tackles? 96, 95, 81, 58. And it sure as hell ain't because Charles Grant has been getting any better and making more of those tackles in front of him.

By no means do I intend to show any disrespeck™ to hands-down the single greatest Japanese player in Saints history, and by far the most progressive. And I don't doubt for a second that he'll be back this fall to kick another kid in the face at the bottom of a waterslide. With any luck, it'll be the same kid.

The stats are a little disturbing is all, and they don't bode well for Fujita's market value. Not that I think market value is even going to be a significant factor here. He loves us, we love him, and when the end eventually comes, I've got a real good feeling that Scott's gonna go all Steve Gleason with it. Or Charlie Pace. Something along those lines.

Among the Saints' restricted free agents, probably the most significant are the three offensive tackles. Jammal Brown has been tendered at the 1st & 3rd level, pretty much by default due to the 10% raise rule. Jermon Bushrod and Zach Strief have both been tendered at the 2nd round level. At least one of these guys will be joining Team Smokey sooner than later.

My vote is for Jammal Brown. He's the Michael Dawson of the three. He was pretty useful for a couple seasons there. Hell, he built (and rebuilt) the raft and everything. But that, well, that didn't turn out too well did it? And since then, well, you tolerate him because he's still theoretically pretty competent, you're just not sure he's all that trustworthy. He's prone to make some pretty dumb mistakes, after all. And he keeps shouting "WAAAAAAAAALT!!!!" all the damn time, which is pretty annoying.

Me? I'm pretty sure that, for all intents and purposes, he's actually dead. And if that makes him useful to Smokey, well then more power to him I guess.

The Saints won't be getting the first and third for him, no doubt about that. Maybe they get the first. Maybe they only get a second, in which case I'm sure there will surely be a cacophony of "Why let the best of the three go for no higher a price than you were asking for either of the other two???"

The obvious response to that, of course, is that you can only deal for the guy the other guy wants. And hey, if Bushrod or Strief is the guy Smokey wants, then that's just fine too. I guess. All I know is that you can't sign three offensive tackles long term, only one of whom is going to start, cap or no cap. Brown is going to demand the biggest contract. And he's gonna be 29 by fall, he's got bad knees and he spent all of 2009 on IR.

And despite all that, for some reason, he's probably gonna fetch the highest compensation. It's a no-brainer, you take it. Then you dance a jig.

And then there's Frenchy. The Saints tendered him at a 2nd, and there are heads exploding all over the internet in fear of AJ Smith finally sticking it to the Saints once and for all for benefitting like a motherfucker from his greatest folly. Oh shit! He released all his tailbacks and now he's coming after Pierre! He's totally gonna have the last laugh!

Yeah, no. Not even.

But what ever will Loomis do to prevent this catastrophic turn of events?

Wait a second, I think I know this one. It's on the tip of my tongue… gimme just another second here… oh, I know. Match? Yeah. Pretty sure that's the right answer.

But while we're pulling our hair out over hypotheticals here, let's consider some other hypotheticals. Let's imagine Pierre had been playing for… oh, let's say the Bears all this time instead of the Saints. Would you be imploring Loomis to give the Bears our 2nd round pick?

For Pierre?

Really?

Of course you wouldn't. You'd be saying "Oh for crying out loud, just draft a fuckin' tailback. And don't even think about doing it in the 2nd. Maybe in the 4th, if you must. I mean, seriously. A 2nd round pick and a big contract for 147 carries and 793 rushing yards? Really? Surely you jest, dumbass."

I mean, we know Pierre kicks a whole lot of ass. We know that he's the best tailback on our roster. By a mile and a half. We know that he's probably one of the better tailbacks in the league.

Fortunately for us, the "dime a dozen factor" comes into play here. Big time. Which sucks for Pierre, but it's great for us.

Aw, who am I kidding? It's great for Pierre too. He doesn't want to leave any more than we want him to go.

Meantime, if you're of the opinion that the second round tender is too low and that Pierre is "priced to sell" here, let me assuage your fears.

"Priced to sell" doesn't necessarily mean they're actually looking to sell.

Here's what's really going on here: Loomis is protecting the Saints by reserving the right of first refusal, while at the same time showing Pierre enough respeck™ to allow him to establish his market value™ as if he were an unrestricted free agent.

Or, in other words, he's letting Pierre get his, while resisting the urge to hang unreasonable compensation on him to diminish his market value in an effort to get him "on the cheap."

If for some reason Pierre ends up signing an offer sheet, Loomis just matches it and not only is there no harm done, Loomis comes out of it smelling like a rose. What player wouldn't love for his boss to let him establish his value on the open market when he really didn't have to, then pay him that value, while turning down a 2nd round pick in the process? To tell the truth, it's fuckin' brilliant.

By the time all this is over with, Pierre is gonna want to blow Loomis.

Basically, Loomis is doing the same thing he's trying to do with Sharper. It's just that Pierre isn't being a douche about it.

Mickey Loomis: How many times do I have to tell you, John? I always have a plan.

Indeed.

We so got this.