Grandmaster Wang / Contributing Writer

Apparently, WWLTV.com blogger Contributing Writer and podcaster internet radio show host Ralph Malbrough has a burning sensation, and the invading fungus is "Black and Gold pom-pom waving, don’t be negative, and the Saints season is going to be all lollipops and sunshine fans." No word on whether or not itching and chafing are involved as well.

Ralph probably should have just applied a topical cream, but instead, he decided to lay down some "brutal honesty" on our pollyanna asses in the form of a "10 Burning Questions" post column which, as the name implies, contains ten three questions regarding the impending DOOOOM that awaits our Saints this fall. As you know, here at moosedenied, there’s nothing we love more than being insulted for daring to be optimistic about our Saints, and being shown the light by our "realist" superiors. Thanks, Ralph! Allow me to return the favor by offering a friendly retort.

1. $120 million is a lot to pay for 9.5 sacks

The Saints have signed Will Smith and Charles Grant to contracts worth over $120 million and last year they didn’t even have double digit sacks combined.

Call me concerned. And I’m not even talking about the trial hanging over Grant’s head.

The stunning thing to me is that not one media member questioned the huge contract Will Smith got. He’s the third highest paid defensive end in the NFL behind Dwight Freeney and Jared Allen. Really? Why didn’t the Saints make him play out his contract and if he has a great year franchise him?

Because, to borrow a favorite phrase of the "realist" crowd, "This ain’t Madden." In the real world, you have to worry about pesky little details like whether or not your players are pissed off. In the real world, contract values have little to do with "how good" a player is, and are driven mainly by market forces. In the real world, you have to worry about a guy going all Ocho Cinco on you and trashing your organization in the media, affecting the perception of your organization among players league-wide. Players you might eventually end up negotiating with in the future. You have to worry about morale in your own locker room.

I’m sure you’re gonna tell me that if they hadn’t paid Grant, nobody would be talking about how "cheap" the organization is, and how they "let all their good players go when it’s time to pay them" right?

Aren’t you tired of the Saints drafting defensive ends every couple years and constantly running in place at the position?

Now the cornerstones of the Saints defense is an up and down player (Will Smith) and an underperforming guy (Charles Grant) facing possible prison time.

And these guys are locked in for huge bonuses. If they flop, the defense flops and say hello to 8-8.

So you’re saying that if your high-profile, highly-compensated players suck, it’s bad news for the team? Naaah. The hell you say! And you’re holding Loomis responsible for not looking into his crystal ball and forseeing that Grant was going to be involved in a bar fight a year later? And what does this have to do with the Saints’ prospects for this fall anyway? The ends were going to be Grant and Smith regardless. The only difference is that if Loomis had gone with your plan, one of them would have been pissed off.

All big money contracts are risky. Funny thing about "realists" is that they tend to be of the opinion that almost nobody is worth giving big money to. At least, not when they’re already on the team. Go to a half-decade of consecutive pro bowls, then we’ll talk about whether or not the front office would be idiots to give you a market deal. But refuse to pay the guy, and the organization "isn’t committed to winning." Realism kicks ass.

2. Jonathan Vilma will be the next big mistake of the New York Jets

The Saints might actually have themselves a great middle linebacker for the first time since Winfred Tubbs had a career year during Mike Ditka’s first year in New Orleans. Yes, Vilma was injured last year but in the 4-3 defense three years ago he was an absolute terror. And never forget the New York Jets have a long history of doing dumb things. Dumping Vilma will be added to the list.

Wait a minute… how exactly does this portend the DOOOOOM that we pom-pom waving pollyannas can’t see without being hipped to it through the brutal honesty of our friendly neighborhood realists? Hell, if I didn’t know any better, I might think you’re basking in some sunshine and/or sucking on a lollipop of your own there, Ralph. I mean, if he was really any good, he’d have stayed healthy and would be able to kick ass in any defensive alignment, wouldn’t you say?

3. The Saints Secondary still stinks

Unless you think Aaron Glenn will find the fountain of middle age or Tracy Porter is going to be the steal of the draft then how exactly is this secondary any better?

It’s not. Mike McKenzie was the Saints best defensive player last year and he’s coming off knee surgery.  Roman Harper and Josh Bullocks are average at best and if Kevin Kaesviharn is the solution at safety how come he couldn’t beat out Bullocks last year?

Yeah, no shit. You’ll get no argument from me on that.

4. Reggie Bush will have a huge year and fantasy nerds and message board guy will still hate him.

Bush isn’t a 25 carry-a-week running back but what if he catches 90 balls for 900 yards, runs for 700, and scores 10 times? Oh, and throw in 400 yards of punt returns.

That would be 2,000 total yards but depending on your fantasy league he won’t be that valuable. Fantasy is so big even ‘experts’ confuse real football and fantasy.

Of course message board guy will say Bush isn’t that good because he probably won’t have a bunch of 100-yard rushing games and the last time anything original or creative came out of a message board thread was the second Tuesday of last week.

Hey now, watch it mister. I do believe that we here at moosedenied own the ™ on "message board guy". And it should be capitalized. And you’re on "question" number four of a "10 Burning Questions" "column" and none of them have actually been questions. You’re also sucking on lollipops again with this one. I thought you were going to educate us on why hope is for chumps. We’re still DOOOOOOMed, right?

Wait, I think I might get it now. Fantasy guys not appreciating Reggie is going to adversely affect the product on the field. Is that it? Or is it that Reggie is going to buckle under the pressure of intense, widespread Message Board Guy hate, which will send the team into a downward spiral of despair and on-the-field misfortune? Either way, good point. Or something.

I do, however, agree completely with your assessment of Message Board Guy. High five!

5. If the Saints receivers continue to drop the ball, will Drew Brees have a mental breakdown?

Let’s hope not. The Saints have led the NFL in drops the last two years. The fact the Saints have also thrown the most passes is no excuse.

Hey, it’s a burning question! Here’s a burning answer:

They’ve also put up over 4300 yards passing in each of the last two years, and have been in the top 3 of NFL passing offenses. And if the number of passes thrown is no excuse for me, it’s no excuse for you either.

I also have it on good authority that Drew’s mental stability is beyond reproach. Don’t let that keep you up at night, champ.

Take out Marques Colston and does any Saints receiver start on another NFL team?

Seriously, the Saints receivers are a bunch of third receivers and one huge question mark.

Doesn’t seem to have mattered the last two years. And don’t give me "Joe Horn!!!" because both Reggie Bush and Jack Hunt put up more yards than Hollywood in 2006. With the exception of the question mark, and pending something like Arrington beating out Lance Moore, all the receivers are the same guys from last year’s 3rd-ranked passing offense.

6. Will Jeromy Shockey be partying on Bourbon Street come September?

Lord, I hope so. As I just mentioned Drew Brees needs all the help he can get. While Shockey is a head case and is difficult to handle, something tells me Sean Payton and Brees can keep him in line. Plus, I enjoy guys that create drama and say what you want but Shockey is interesting. Oh and the day he puts on a Saints jersey he’ll be the second best receiver on the Saints team (Sorry Reggie).

Outlook not so good. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeromy Burnitz made an appearance.

I agree that Shockey is interesting. So was Ricky Williams. And Kerry Collins. And the contents of Albert Connell’s pockets. But yeah, considering the Saints’ stellar history with head cases, I’m sure it would be… uh… dramatic.

I don’t necessarily think he’d be a problem with the Saints. And least not until he damn well decides to make himself one. And I wouldn’t necessarily be against the Saints bringing him in, pending the cost. On the other hand, you’re aware that Eric Johnson and Billy Miller combined for more yardage last year than Shockey did, right? And that they accounted for more yardage than Shockey put up in 2006 too? And that they’re not assholes? And that there are two of them, so that if one of them goes down, you still have a tight end not named Ronnie Ghent or Buck Ortega? And that neither one of them costs a second round pick next year (at the very least) that you’ll be jonesing for come April? You’re aware of all that, right?

7. What will be a sign that Deuce’s comeback is going poorly?

If you start reading on the internet or see John Clayton saying the Saints are talking about bringing some washed up and over-the-hill running back it probably means Deuce is struggling. Everyone wants Deuce to make it back but the odds say he won’t. And for the record, If you think a Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, and Aaron Stecker backfield is good enough, you weren’t paying attention last year when Philly stuffed the Saints four straight times from the one-yard line.

Were you paying attention to Peter Tom’s 4.8 yards per carry last year? How about Stecker Ace’s career high in rushing yards? Just checking.

Oh sure, I’ll grant that Dulymus is the only "big" "power" back on the roster. I also agree that we all want Dulymus to be good as new, and that realistically it’s probably extremely unlikely. Only an idiot would assert that the Saints’ running game hasn’t sucked the last two years.

Dammit. Alright, you win this round, asshole.

8. Martin Gramatica wants to bring joy to all Saints fans but Sean Payton might not let him.

For the first time I can remember the Saints actually have a training camp kicking battle. In my mind this is a battle between good (Gramatica) and evil (Tyler Mehlhaff). Gramatica celebrates 20-yard field goals like he just one the World Cup or cured cancer. And he has a freakishly giant head. If Sean Payton wants to keep Mehlhaff to kickoff that’s fine, but dam him if he cheats me out of the joy of watching Gramatica kick a 19-yard field goal to beat Tampa in week one. How long do you think Gramatica would run around the field after beating his old team? He’d being doing victory laps in the Dome until at least Wednesday. Don’t you deny us this pleasure coach, don’t you dare.

Taylor Mehlhaff. Taylor. Not Tyler. While I appreciate your appreciation of the comedic value in giant heads and needless histrionics, isn’t having a guy on the roster with the last name Bushrod enough?

Marteen sucks. I do realize that part of most realists’ master plan is to secretly hope that the Saints suffer the nine separate misfortunes necessary for the projections of DOOOOOM to "prove prophetic." But to go so far as to hope that the Saints have to continue to waste a roster spot on a second kicker just for the pleasure of seeing the grimy little greaseball do yet another little dance? That’s just plain evil.

9. The Saints game on September 7^th will be moved because Farveapolooza will be coming to town

I know your initial reaction is probably you don’t want Brett Favre to end up a Buc because it would be bad for the Saints.  You couldn’t be more wrong. Favre is only 25-23 as a starter the last three years and he won’t be up to speed by week one on Jon Gruden’s giant playbook. Besides, he doesn’t scare me and if the Saints are good enough to win the division it won’t matter who Tampa has at quarterback.

Fabulous Jeff is only 12-14 as a starter the last three years. Plus, he’s kinda fruity fabulous. You want Marteen? I want Fab Jeff. At least Jeff’s entertaining brand of relative mediocrity works in the Saints’ favor. Besides, since when has Lord Brett had any use for a playbook?

And what’s all this about the Saints being good enough to win the division? Put those pom-poms down before you poke somebody’s eye out.

(Sorry Ralph, the pom-poms and eye-poking comment wasn’t directed at you. I was talking to Jeff.)

10. Will the local media continue to get softer or if the Saints struggle will they ask tough questions?

Since Buddy D passed away the local media is down to few voices that really will give a strong opinion if the Saints struggle.

I like my media to not be liked by the team. I want columnists that write columns that tick off coaches and some fans. Sometimes tough questions need to be asked. Will the media ask them?

I agree. Remember that one time when Kenny Wilkerson said "Hey Haslett!!! Win more!" and Haslett said "Well son of a bitch, you know, that never occurred to me. By golly, I think we’ll give that a shot!" and then the Saints went on a 4-game winning streak? Yeah, that was cool.

Screw the media. That’s why God invented bloggers Contributing Writers like you and me. So what if we don’t get paid, while Pete Finney gets fifty cents a word and full medical/dental to ramble into a dictaphone for two minutes once a month? We get to say "fuck" any time we want to.

You think Finney wouldn’t trade places with us in a heartbeat? You don’t think Jim Henderson was just dying to say "FUCK!" right as "the reverse" was unfolding last year?

Guys like us do it for the love of the game, man. It is we who are the heirs to Buddy D’s legacy. Hell, I’m cutting a promo for Big Shot in an hour and a half.

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(And now for the disclaimer: Ralph Malbrough is a cool cat as far as we’re concerned, and we here at moosedenied give his podcast our full endorsement. In fact, I’m about to go listen to last night’s installment right now. As detailed above, the 10 Burning Questions column was a steaming pile of shit. But we’d have kept our mouths shut about it if we weren’t pretty sure he could handle it. And if not, well, that promises big fun too.)