Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep 
It starts when you’re always afraid 
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

Remember the first time you discovered that before Neil Young became a founding member of Buffalo Springfield, he was in a band with Rick James? Remember your incredulous reaction? You were sure somebody was screwing with you, because it was just way too fuckin’ cool to be true.

As the Saints prepare to head to the Mustard Capital of Western New York Eastern Ontario to take on the Fightin’ Dick Jaurons, leaving the pungent aroma of greatness wafting in their wake, some fans continue to hold their noses and wait for the other shoe to drop. I mean, there’s gotta be a catch, right? Surely it wasn’t THE Rick James. Probably just some Graham Nash looking asshole from Saskatchewan who just happens to also be named Rick James, or something.

Some of us, in fact, are already looking toward the possibility of the Saints being 2-3 this time next month. (Between hilariously futile attempts to simply exchange currency for sustenance, while avoiding a sermon on the worldwide social, cultural, environmental, political and economic implications of such transactions from the Earth-humping phony hipster fucks peddling the aforementioned sustenance, that is.)

Jeffrey, I wouldn’t type the following if I weren’t 100% sure that we’re "cool like that…"

Quit being a pussy.

(You’re, of course, free to return fire with impunity anytime… )

It’s not that I can’t appreciate the apprehension. After all, Sean Payton did fail to point out that Greatness smells an awful lot like the patchouli fumes coming off the pizza guy. He really should have been more clear on that. Don’t ask me why, or how I know, but for some reason, the two odors are in fact eerily similar.

But that’s no reason to sweat chumps.

It doesn’t help that Drew and several other Saints have been spending the week once again shouting from the rooftops something to the effect of "Hey, you have to understand that on some level we still kinda blow. No, really. I mean, if about 27 key plays go completely differently than they actually went, we could be 0-2 right now. They didn’t, and we’re not, and that’s great and all. But if we don’t continue to progress, the next 27 key plays will go differently and we’ll be totally fucked."

Ah Drew, I say this with the same reverence I hold for Jeffrey… dude, take that humility and shove it right up your ass. I do appreciate it, but I ain’t buying it. You know as well as I do that you’re about to victimize these fools something fierce.

By the time this is over, Morstead is gonna be riding the hobby horse with Claire Standish, for crying out loud. In addition to a number of girls in the Niagara Falls area.

Heads will explode. Butt cheeks will be taped shut. Bulls will be messed with. Ruckuses will be described. Chicks will hold dey smoke.

That’s what it is.

But seriously. The Bills? Really? Don’t tell me you’re gonna sweat the Bills.

Oh sure, they "shoulda" beaten the mighty Patriots. But they didn’t. And the Patriots kinda blow in the early going, as evidenced by their near-loss to the Bills. And kicking the shit out of Tampa (by a scant 13) is about as impressive as kicking the shit out of the Lions by a slightly-less-scant 18.

Fred Jackson? Dude has 9 fewer rushing yards than Mike Bell, for crying out loud. Trent Edwards? In about 9 months, this guy’s gonna be lecturing unexpecting customers on the global implications of opting for a whole grain organic crust.

(On the other hand, Edwards does currently have two more rushing yards than Reggie Bush. So… uh… yeah. There’s that. Guh.)

But, setting aside for a moment the fact that Trent Edwards is the most electrifying playmaker at the tailback position the league has ever seen, the thing about the Bills is that they really aren’t particularly good at anything.

I mean, on a per-game basis, they’re a whopping 9 yards better than the Saints rushing the ball, and another whopping 9 yards better than the Saints at stopping the run.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I’m so scared. Ooh, the Germans. Uh oh, the Germans are gonna get me! Don’t let the Germans come after me! Oh no, the Germans are coming at me! No, they’re so big and strong! Oh, protect me from the Germans!

But aside from that (and the previous concession that Trent Edwards is in fact a slightly better rusher than Vaginald* Alfred Bush) what the fuck are we supposed to be worried about, exactly?

*I totally stole that from Danchrism.

Granted, the forecast calls for rain Sunday afternoon. And that would suck. But do you really expect God to rain on Drew Brees? No sir. If anything, this totally fucks Buffalo over.

Not to mention FOX Sports. Serves ‘em right for holding Jillian Barberie Reynolds to such exacting meteorological standards. I mean, I guess I can understand how one might expect those tits to actually be capable of keeping track of the patch of clear skies which perpetually hovers over Drew’s head. But when you look at it objectively, it really is too much to ask of one pair of tits. No matter how sublime they might be.

What I guess I just can’t understand is the whole chump-sweating deal. 14th in total offense. 28th in total defense. 31st in pass defense.

The Saints are just plain better than the Bills. By a mile.

And, by a shorter distance, they’re probably just plain better than the Jets and Giants too.

And Drew Brees still thinks the Saints suck. "No, seriously dudes. What you’ve been seeing so far is early-season bullshit. We’ve got a long way to go and a lot of work to do before we can honestly say we’re at the top of our game. Everybody on this team needs to continue to progress, perform better. Myself included."

So it shall be done.

Clearly, what this means is that Drew’s throwing 10 touchdown passes Sunday.

Colston: 10 for 192
Jack Hunt: 3 for 199
Pontchartrain Meach: 2 for 150
Poochie: 10 for 148

It’s all about progression. Being better than you were last week. Stinking of greatness.

So Shanle ought to be good for 3 INTs this week. Sharper? 10. 7 for touchdowns. A couple of Morstead’s punts ought to land in Vancouver sometime around the middle of next week. Aw, who am I kidding? Morstead’s probably not even gonna be required to dress.

And for the second week in a row, the opponent will be without their starting right tackle. And for the second week in a row, if I were the type to engage in football betting, I’d set the over/under on Charles Grant sacks at zero.

Hey, can’t win ‘em all.

But on the bright side, I’m giving Reggie even odds on outrushing Trent Edwards. Damn right, I’m just that confident. I’m betting he outrushes Mark Sanchez and Eli Manning too.

I bet you don’t have the slightest clue how unbeatable the Saints are when Reggie outrushes the opposing quarterback, do ya?

Well let me just tell you. They’re pretty damn…uh…. well, I don’t exactly have that particular stat handy right at the moment. But I’m sure it’s compelling as all hell.

Keep fuckin’ that chicken, Vaginald.

All I know is that my friends and I are gonna be singing songs and carrying signs. Mostly say "Hooray for our side!"