The Ben Graham Era begins this weekend as our band of sodding wankers attempts to muster up enough competence to bugger a bunch of pissface nancy boys in what promises to be a ripping American football match.

The Saints’ playoff hopes may be right snookered, but I intend to be jolly bladdered anyway. Of course, there will probably be no room on the sofa for me, as usual, and I’ll have to sit on the rickety chair. Bloody fascists. Serves me right for hosting a bunch of sodding Tories.

Earlier in the week, I’d have splashed out 50 quid that the Saints are all set to pack up and play out the string. That may very well be the case, but wouldn’t it be far more cruel for the Saints to win this game? Reflexively, most of us still regard the Chargers as a quality opponent. Winning this game to pull back to 500 allows us all to continue to delude ourselves into thinking this team is the dog’s bollocks, and sets us up for yet another swift kick to the front bits at a later time. That’s the Saints we all know and love.

The Chargers currently hold the league’s 32nd ranked pass defense, which you’d think plays right into the hands of Coach Clever Trousers.

But the bugger of it all is that it might rain, and you know what that means. About 20 dropped passes and consequently a point total somewhere in the teens. The Chargers have the 18th ranked run defense, so if it rains, you’d think that would just beg for Sean Payton to turn it into a bit of a rugger with large doses of Dulymus. Feel free to go ahead and hold your breath while you wait for that to happen.

A lot of people seem to be leaning on the Patrick Ewing Theory this week, asserting that the absence of our Little Superstar will force Coach Clever Trousers to call a more conservative game, while at the same time taking the most predictable aspect of our offense (namely: THE BALL IS GOING TO REGGIE!!!!!) off the table, allowing the Saints to throw something different out there that the Chargers aren’t ready for.

Saints win. Blood runs. Flags wave! People throw down their tools and knock down the barricades! Everybody runs into the Winter Palace and stands on tables, waving bits of paper at each other! And there will be a massive rock and roll benefit in the drawing room! And right at the climax, the oppressed working class will rise up and seize control of the state! Brilliant! Revolution! Watch out, Norman Tebbit!

You’re still holding your breath, aren’t ya? Quit it before you hurt yourself.

There’s also the matter of San Diego’s poofster quarterback, who is currently leading the league in passer rating and passing touchdowns, and is 4th in the league in passing yards. The second most productive quarterback the Saints have faced so far, behind only Jay Cutler, to whom the Saints lost.

Blimey.

Oh, I suppose you think I fancy him. Is that it? You think I’ve gone all funny and fancy him? Well yes. As a matter of fact I do. I really, really fancy him. I’d like to give him a big girlie kiss on the bottom. Wait, did I say kiss on the bottom? Oh, beg your pardon. I meant to say stick a pickaxe through his spinal column.

Still, the fact remains that he’s been blooming brilliant, and the Saints’ defensive backfield continues to perform arse about face for the most part. Inclement weather would seem to portend missed tackles, slipping defensive backs and a slower-than-usual pass rush.

Roger Goodell must be going positively barmy right at the moment.

This was supposed to be Ladainian Tomlinson vs. Reggie Bush. One won’t play and the other has been a shell of himself as a result of his own injuries. It was supposed to be a clash of two championship contenders. Both teams have below-500 records. It was supposed to be a high-scoring affair between two potent offenses. Both offenses are extremely banged up and both aerial attacks stand to be hard rogered by the weather.

The American Football Gods certainly have thrown a spanner in the works. This game is likely to turn out complete rubbish.

Prediction: Alright Neil, shut up! Before you say anything, I’ve just tossed a coin for who gets this game, and you lost! It’s completely fair, and if you don’t believe me, ask Mike, so shut up!

Saints 6, Chargers 5

What?

What’d you just say?

You just called me a bastard, didn’t you?!?

You better not, Neil! Because let me tell you. Me, Mike and Vyvyan are getting pretty sick of you!

Why are the sheets all sticky?!?