Cha-ching! MVP! MVP! MVP!

Memo to #RodneyWhite, #BrettGrimes, Jason Cole and Pete Prisco: We're not sorry. Got a problem with that? Go fuck yourselves. How's that work for ya, champs?

Take your nebulous, malleable, phony notion of "sportsmanship" and "respect for the game" and the righteous indignation it affords you when convenient, and shove it right up your ass. We're quite aware of the real reason you're all butthurt about it. It's because you're weak. Because it's all you've got to hang your hat on right about now.

Fortunately for us, we happen to be in a position where it's not really necessary for us to give a fuck about whether or not you approve of our methods. And we're not sorry about that either. So you'll just have pardon us as we carry on with continuing to not give a fuck about whatever moral rectitude you've pulled out of your ass this week.

Because, see, we're writing the rules these days. You don't have to like 'em. But you'd be wise to go ahead and get used to it.

Let me lay it out for you so that you can understand. This just in: Our goals trump your feelings. Every time.

We're in this thing for us. Nobody else. Definitely not you. And if our achieving those goals leaves you humiliated and outraged, that's your problem. Deal with it. Clutch your pearls if you must, but you'd be better served to grow a pair instead.

In my perfect world, rather than me typing it, Sean Payton would have said it. Or at least let Gregg Williams say it. (You know he would. Then he'd drop a crotch-chop on 'em.) You know it's what they're all thinking.

And that's the irony of it all, isn't it? Nobody's gonna say that because Sean Payton and Drew Brees are too professional, too sportsmanlike, too classy to indulge themselves and tell them (or let Gregg Williams tell them) all to eat a dick.

Fortunately for me, I'm not encumbered by such concerns. So on behalf of Sean Payton, Drew Brees, the New Orleans Saints and Saints fans everywhere, I'll say it: Eat a dick, all of you.

This is our deal. And we're gonna do whatever the fuck we want. Don't like it? Go fuck yourself.

We here at moosedenied have long advocated the Saints embracing the role of the Bad Guys. Hell, deep down we know that's how the rest of the world sees us anyway.

Oh sure, they pretended to love us for about 15 minutes in February 2010. They capitalized on the chumps-to-champs angle. They emoted as publicly as possible and tugged on as many heartstrings as they could over the Federal Flood. They said "Nawlins" over and over and over. Gumbo this and Mardi Gras that. They exploited the shit out of us and milked it for all 'Murika considered it worth.

It was all so cute and quirky and hip. A little "edgy" yet wholesome as milk. Real funky but not threatening. Made for great media. A tightly-scripted little melodrama that if you didn't know any better you might have mistaken for an HBO Original Series.

And the critics raved for some reason.

But it wasn't supposed to get renewed.

It was a nice little piece of drama that ended happily, with the triumphant protagonist holding his toddler son and everything. But that was supposed to be the end of it. "Nice. Hey, good for you. Okay, run along now." And then we were supposed to go away.

But we didn't go away. And ever since, it's been one thing after another. Ray Edwards and Visanthe Shiancoe started the whole "Saints are dirty!" meme because the Saints were too mean to their precious Brett. These days, it's something along those lines pretty much every fuckin' week. Sean Payton's and Mickey Loomis's professionalism was called into question over the scope of the Saints' post-championship celebration. We fans were mocked over reacting too strongly to Payton's domestic relocation. They mocked us after the loss to Seattle in the playoffs. (To be fair, that was well-deserved.) They called us a one-year wonder and touted Atlanta as the Next Big Thing. We were really supposed to drop off the map for good after we "lost" Reggie Bush.

And now this year, when we're not being called "dirty" on a damn weekly basis or being ridiculously accused of cheating by way of a rogue whistle on the sideline, now we're being called "classless." DREW BREES is being called classless. Drew fuckin' Brees! Classless? Really? It would piss me off if it weren't so absurd.

Seriously, an 11-year career marked by impeccable professionalism, sportsmanship and class. One of the most genuinely and universally well-liked players in the league. And all that's out the window over setting sportsmanship aside for 6 plays and two minutes, 17 seconds to secure one of the most prestigious and coveted individual records in football? Really? That's all it takes to turn a guy into a selfish asshole?

I'm not even going to legitimize the accusation by offering a defense. You've already read the same 100 or so defenses I've read anyway, and they're well-reasoned. But what happened Monday night needs no defense.

You want a defense? Alright, fine. Here's my defense: Fuck off. Get that weak shit out of here.

All year long they've gone to great pains to do everything they possibly can to diminish and marginalize and downplay one of the top 2 or 3 seasons by an NFL quarterback in league history, if not the single greatest. It's always something. If it's not yet another suggestion that Marino's accomplishment is still greater because "the league is so different now" it's yet another reminder that Tom Brady is gonna top Marino's number too and might even end up passing Drew(!!!) by the time it's all over, or yet another reminder that "Yeah, but clearly Aaron Rodgers is the MVP."

I would assert that Drew Brees might very well be the single least-celebrated All-Time Great player in league history. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to go all "No Respeck!™" with it here. It's not that they don't give Drew any respect or love, because they do. They give him plenty of that. Pete Prisco and Jason Cole notwithstanding, you never hear a "negative" word about Drew. That's not what I'm talking about.

What I'm talking about is that you almost never hear any unqualified praise for the guy either. It always comes with a "Yeah, but…" Somebody or something out there is always better. Sorry Drew, sure you became the second player in league history to throw for 5000 yards, but Peyton Manning is better. Sorry Drew, sure you became the only player in league history to throw for 5000 a second time, and broke a 27-year old record for most passing yards in a single season. But by golly, Aaron Rodgers has a couple more touchdowns and a handful fewer interceptions. Better luck next time, Rodgers is better. Oh and put an asterisk on that record, by the way, because Marino's total in 1984 is still more impressive than yours in 2011. (We reserve the right to change our minds on that though if Brady passes you.) It's always something.

You can bet your ass that if it were Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers (or Peyton Manning, or Tony Romo, or Tim Tebow) duking it out for the single-season passing record, they'd be going all Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa '98 with it.

But Drew Brees isn't supposed to be in that story. He's fucking up the script.

I choose to believe that that's the real reason they chose to set sportsmanship aside for two minutes, 17 seconds and indulge in a little "classlessness." Because that was the only way Drew's achievement was gonna be properly celebrated. And if the Falcons' feelings got hurt in the process, and it offended the delicate sensibilities of a couple of douchebag blowhards in the national media, well then we'll just call that lagniappe.

If I have one (minor) complaint, it's that I wish they'd own it just a little more. I'm glad that, while Payton and Brees are being gentlemen about it, they haven't gone as far as to apologize. They shouldn't, because they don't owe anybody any apologies. But I wish they'd be just a little more defiant about it. Rather than explaining that it was because they "didn't want the record being a distraction next week" (which strikes me as a bullshit explanation anyway) I wish they'd just say "Damn right we wanted the record, so we took it. Simple as that. Don't like it, tough shit." If they're gonna make you do the time anyway, might as well do the crime.

It helps that Coach Payton made the right decision to play the starters and play to win this Sunday against Camrolina. Hell yeah, high five, Coach! And while "We're on a roll, and we don't want to risk screwing up our momentum and general mojo" is probably the correct answer and the most important consideration, it would do my heart good for Coach to say "And oh by the way, damn right we're gunning for the Rams' single-season total offense record. And we're gonna take that too. Damn right we'd prefer Drew's record to hold up for three decades as opposed to six days. Damn right we're gonna do everything we can to see to it that Jimmy Graham passes both Kellen Winslow and Rob Gronkowski. Don't like it? Don't care. We're taking this shit whether you like it or not. And you'll take it too. Right in the ass, you scumbag cocksuckers."

Selfish? Maybe. Greedy? If you insist. So what? It's not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses.

Might as well go ahead and own it. Because make no mistake, these days, we're the Bad Guys. No sense fighting it, because it'll always be something. We're fucking up the script, and they hate us for it. And is it not glorious?

If I might be so bold… Sinn Féin, motherfuckers! (Love you and miss you, Ashley.)

This is our deal, and to hell with what anybody else thinks about it.

Ain't nobody about to give us jack shit. Never have, never will. Which is why it won't bother me in the least when they give Aaron Rodgers the MVP and struggle to give Drew even the obligatory cursory mention as an also-ran before moving on to how in any other year Tom Brady would have won it.

Screw the MVP. That kind of thing is something you have to be given. Kinda like a rematch in the BCS Championship Game.

So go ahead and give it to whomever gives you the biggest boner. That's what you're gonna do anyway, so whatever. Drew doesn't need anything you have to give, and neither do the Saints.

We'll take what we want, thank you very much. #wegotthis

And if it involves violating any of your antiquated, arbitrarily-applicable "unwritten rules" of sportsmanship and "class" then so be it. Don't much give a fuck.

Meantime, I know this post might come off as "classless" too. Please believe me when I tell you that I don't intend to come off that way. I have the utmost respect for you as professional athletes and/or fully-credentialed members of the Legitimate Media™, douchebags though you may be. One might even argue that you're a bunch of whining pussies. No disrespect intended though. Promise. And I certainly respect your right to hold your opinions on all these issues, no matter how retarded they might be.

Still not sorry though. Not for any of it.

So I'll leave you with this. And I say this with all sincerity, right from the bottom of my heart, and with all due respect: Lick my balls.

Have a nice day.

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