Kill! Kill! Kill!We here at moosedenied have long maintained that the Saints' three biggest needs for years now have been: 1. Samoans, 2. Guys who will kill a motherfucker for a biscuit, and 3. DUDES NAMED RUFUS! Two out of three ain't bad, eh? High five!

Fortunately, days two and three more than made up for a first night that wasn't nearly as fun as we had hoped it would be. Eventually, it turned out that there was something for (almost) everybody in this here rookie class. In fact, preliminary indications are that this might very well be the most immediately-satisfying Saints draft overall since 2006. (And because it really doesn't feel like it most of the time, I'd like to point out that 2006 was a long time ago.) So for now, I guess we'll go ahead and chalk that up as a bona fide win.

It didn't exactly start out gangbusters though. Not by a long shot. Several factors conspired to make day one pretty damn annoying, actually.

There was, of course, Roger Goodell and his stupid face. The worst thing about Roger's face is the overwhelming feeling of total frustration it beams straight into the depths of your soul as you realize you're currently completely powerless to just punch the shit out of it for the next several hours.

Then of course there's the 8:00 start time. On a Thursday. Which blows in about 47 ways. I realize that this isn't nearly as annoying for others who aren't in a position to (or choose not to) treat Draft Day like Christmas Day and start the festivities when ESPN/NFLN coverage kicks off at 6am. But for me, by the time they're finally ready to get the hell on with it, I'm already in Christmas Evening Mode. Exhausted as hell and pretty much over it all. Say, when's bed time? Midnight? Shit.

The same goddamn smash-hit Top-40 hip-hop single as bumper music. Over… and over… and over. And over. And over. And over. And over. Berman (STILL!) partying like it's 1987. Rumblin' fumblin' Raaaaaaydas! Bills circling the wagons and whatnot. I don't know about you, but for the 29th consecutive year, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be Bills/Niners! That shit will never get old! Guh. Thank god I had the good sense to hide all my sharp objects and caustic chemicals.

Still, even though this is one hell of a terrible tee vee show and I'm pretty much hate-watching at this point, I have been waiting for months to at least see how the plot plays out. Perhaps these here internets can help distract me from all the hackneyed dialogue and hammy acting going on here until something interesting happens.

Oh for the love of… really? Some dude's trying to get internet-famous by picking an e-fight with Roman Harper? Classy.

At least I had the foresight to go ahead and unfollow Jason LaCanfora before he starts tweeting spoilers. Here comes Rog… SHIT! Really, Triplett?!? You too, Holder?!? SON OF A BITCH! You have GOT to be kidding me! Not cool, fellas. Total dick move. I thought we were bros! And here you are shamelessly and deliberately retweeting LaCafora's blatant douchebaggery that I and many, many others have taken deliberate and reasonable measures to avoid?!? For what purpose? To what end?

Oh, I suppose you'll say that as fully-credentialed members of the Legitimate Media™, you have a JOURNALISTIC DUTY(!!!) to disseminate the "BREAKING NEWS!!!" the VERY SECOND it becomes available some other asshole tweets it, right? Yeah… typical self-important sportswriter bullshit.

This just in, guys: It ain't the goddamn Watertown Manhunt. It's a fuckin' tee vee show, for crying out loud. A terrible tee vee show, but a tee vee show nonetheless. It's entertainment. And you're pissing all over everybody's good time (such as it were) by spoiling the reveal. How do you guys not get this? Try reading the room.

Nobody's gonna suffer by having to wait another 15 fuckin' seconds until the pick is officially announced. And nobody's gaining anything by finding out 15 seconds ahead of time. You're not providing a public service, you're just ruining shit. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. You do know why they call them "spoilers" in the first place, right?

The least you could have done would have been to warn people ahead of time that you'd be doing that. It's just common courtesy. Can't afford to fuck up that Twitter follower count though, right?

You knew damn well that the NFL had held focus groups on the matter and asked ESPN and NFLN to cut that shit out this year. Why? Because they discovered that the vast majority of viewers don't want the spoilers and prefer to wait for the official announcement. Of course, everybody knew that LaCanfora would be pulling that shit anyway, because that's pretty much the only bullet left in his chamber at this point. Which is why the rest of us went to the trouble of unfollowing that guy in the first place, at least temporarily. Let us enjoy the show, for fuck's sake.

I mean, it's not like you were even "breaking" any "news" anyway. You were just standing in line at the movie theater and shouting out whatever you overheard the people who just attended the last screening talking about as they headed back to their cars. Way to be That Guy.

Sigh. Gotta love the 21st Century Legitimate Media. News events are treated as tee vee shows and tee vee shows are treated as breaking news.

Anyway, I was beginning to catch my second wind and let go of some of my annoyance right around the sixth pick. Oh this ought to be fun, I wonder what kind of wacky shit Cleveland is gonna pull out of their… NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

And just like that, my Barkevious Boner had gone flaccid forever (or at least until the start of free agency in 2017, am I right? High five! I'll be putting up the countdown clock shortly.) Sigh. You won't believe me, especially since I had some fun with it for the next couple days, but I really was over it about five seconds after Cleveland made the pick. C'est la vie. Turns out the Saints never had a realistic chance in the first place, so no sense crying about it. Good luck in Cleveland, Barkevious. Although, just a thought here, I'd totally support it if you decided to go all Elway with it. Eh? Eh? Anybody know how to contact Jason Cole so we can go ahead and get the ball rolling on this thing? "Unnamed members of Mingo's camp are indicating…"

At that point, every fiber of my being was telling me to just turn off the PC, change the channel and forget about it until Friday morning. But I am a weak, weak man who is powerless to resist the potential for wackiness and amusement. The lure of the message board and social media fallout from whatever the Saints ended up doing was just too compelling to ignore. Must… power… through!

Kenny Vaccaro, eh? D'oh. Should have listened to every fiber of my being. Initial kneejerk reaction: Colo(u)r me underwhelmed. Hell, I was barely whelmed at all. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure that eventually he'll do something to impress me and I'll learn to love the guy. I'm just saying that's what it's gonna take. Meantime, I'm just not particularly impressed. Sue me. Nothing about this guy seems "special" to me at first glance. It's an opinion, that's all. A preliminary opinion, a layman's opinion at that, and not a particularly well-researched one. I've never claimed to be a scout, nor have I spent months watching YouTube highlight reels "game film" or any of the other apparently necessary qualifications for having a goddamn (dissenting) opinion on the internet on draft weekend.

The message boards immediately reacquainted me with two things I already knew but hadn't really thought much about in a while. 1. The only acceptable reaction to a Saints draft pick is rapturous applause, and 2. Whatever remains in 21st Century America that stubbornly continues to try to pass itself off as "society" has completely lost any semblance of the concept of honest disagreement. "Viewpoints" are a relic, these days there is only the person who is "right" and the person who is an idiot. Good times. Or something.

And on Draft Day, the "idiot" is always the guy who doesn't understand that the Saints ABSOLUTELY NAILED IT and it's all part of Payton and Loomis's diabolical Master Plan. It's the same thing every year… "Oh, I suppose you think you know better than Loomis and Payton, huh? Well then why aren't YOU the GM of an NFL team?!?" Oh, for crying out loud, get the fuck out of here with that weak shit.

If we're supposed to be so unconditionally supportive of everything Loomis and Payton do, then why have YOU spent the better part of the last decade screaming "When are they gonna bench/cut Shanle???" and/or "Run the ball, Payton!!!" and on and on like that? Hell, we all just finished spending the better part of the last three months lamenting "Why can't the Saints ever seem to find a defensive player in the first round who isn't Just A Guy?" And now the Saints pick yet another defensive guy in the first round and anybody who dares to express the opinion that he might be yet another JAG is an idiot who just doesn't get it? Sigh.

Anyway, it's not like the pick didn't make a lick of damn sense. So we've got that going for us. Could have been worse, they could have drafted Travis Frederick or something. I suspect there weren't more than a handful of Saints fans who were all jacked up about another year of Roman Harper and Malcolm Jenkins. So it's not like there aren't perfectly reasonable justifications for the pick. Apparently Loomis and Payton were every bit as enchanted as Message Board Guy was with this year's brand new perfectly legitimate scouting term Mayock pulled right out of his ass and inserted directly into the pre-draft scoutspeak lexicon… the "moveable chess piece."

As opposed to the stationary chess piece, of course. We're not exactly sure what kind of moveable chess piece Vaccaro is supposed to be, but with his lack of "elite speed" and his fluid hips which result in lateral mobility, not to mention that one highlight on his "game film" where he JUMPED STRAIGHT OVER an opposing chess piece on the way to the quarterback, we're guessing he must be a knight.

Oh WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE HERE! I know who can serve as the voice of reason here and make me feel better about the pick! Why, Pete Prisco of course! I can't believe that didn't occur to me sooner. To the Googles! (Because I can never remember what semi-Legit™ web site that dude works for.) What say you, Pete?

Pete's reaction was mixed. On the plus side, at 15, Vaccaro was the only guy left on the board not named Matt Barkley that Pete had previously heard of. So that's nice. On the other hand, it was incredibly arrogant of the Saints to follow up last year's Canadian by picking a Mexican this year. Then again, Pete agrees that the Saints really could use an influx of Samoans, and he's pretty sure Mexicans are a type of Samoan. So that's good too. Problem is, there's a different set of rules in Mexican Chess. See, in Mexican Chess, you're not allowed to move the pieces. It's anybody's guess as to how Vaccaro's skills will translate to the American game (…in this league.) So, yeah, it's pretty fuckin' typically arrogant of Loomis and Payton to think that won't be an issue. Classless too, of course, to gank San Francisco out of the guy they probably wanted. Word on the street is that Jim Harbaugh is privately fuming.

Wow, that did make me feel better. Thanks, Pete!

At any rate, Kenny's on board now, and eventually we will be too. Just give us some time and we'll get there. We do fully intend to crack wise on him when the opportunity presents itself and have us some big ole fun with it though. So if you're one of those guys who were offended by the way we used to "hate on" Reggie Bush, you have been warned. Got a feeling a lot of the material is gonna end up writing itself. Hey, I just discovered another reason to love the pick! High five!

Meantime, as is our usual wont, we here at moosedenied would like to take this opportunity to bestow upon Kenny our very own esoteric nickname which nobody else will get, let alone use: Chess Piece Face.

By the end of day two, I was feeling much, MUCH better.

–A mid-round offensive lineman from a small school? Yes please.
–A left tackle from Arkansas? Oh HELL YES.
–Terron Armstead… a name that just SCREAMS "football player."

Also, at the combine, he apparently beat Rich Eisen in the 40, jumped more broadly than Mike Mayock, and went lower in the limbo than Warren Sapp. Then he did a little dance and proceeded to score higher on the Wonderlic than Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin combined. While doing backflips. Or something. Nice.

"Expert" opinions are mixed as to whether or not Armstead can plug in at left tackle right from day one. Jahri Evans and Carl Nicks aren't betting against him though, and neither am I. The scouts seem to think he could use a little more sand in his pants. Dan Dalrymple is pretty sure that can be arranged, as do the fine folks at Popeye's.

Meanwhile, all indications so far are that the guy is an absolute freak of an athlete. Meaty hands, great strength at the point of attack, quick punch to the throat and whatnot. The Senior Bowl and East-West Shrine Game seem to have shown that the "small school competition" thing shouldn't be much of an issue. Unless it is. But since we've decided to go ahead and heap every last ounce of our skepticism on Kenny for the time being, we'll keep our fingers crossed and pull a Jahri-esque burst onto the scene "projection" right out of our ass for Mr. Armstead. Which would be fantastic, because it could also potentially create a ripple effect by freeing up either Charles Brown or Marcel Jones to displace Strief at right tackle. Two birds, one stone. Now THAT'S what I call value! VALUE!

All that, and the day two wackiness hadn't even yet begun to ensue. In yet another incredibly polarizing turn of events, the Saints did precisely what everybody's been pleading with them to do for a couple years now. "FREE CHRIS IVORY!!!" right? Wait, that's not exactly what you meant by that? D'oh! Careful what you wish for, I guess. Clearly those people are idiots though, right Message Board Guy? THERE CAN BE NO IN BETWEEN!

Hey, good for you, Chris. Way to get yourself one hell of an instant promotion there. Thanks for everything, Shame you're gonna get caught up in that trainwreck they've got going on up there. For whatever it's worth, Pete Prisco thought it was pretty fuckin' classless to just up and trade a guy right in the middle of the draft like that. And to the Jets, no less!!! But I'm sure you don't mind. I'll be pulling for ya, for sure.

But at the same time, I have no idea how Mickey Loomis managed to get the Jets to give a 4th round pick for the fourth tailback on the Saints' depth chart. But, yeah, you've just GOTTA take that. And then cross your fingers that Roger doesn't manufacture find several thousand pages of documents which "prove" you engaged in some sort of chicanery to make it happen. I'm sure ESPN's Outside The Lines is looking into it right this minute. Quick, somebody lock Kenny Wilkerson in the nearest basement!

They immediately flipped that pick and their original fourth rounder to Miami for #82. I'm not sure why they didn't just cut out the middleman and send Ivory directly to the Dolphins. They love them some ex-Saints tailbacks down there. (At least for a little while.) But whatever.

Then they used 82 on Georgia defensive tackle John Jenkins. Apparently the whole thing went all the way down to the wire. Word on the street is that they couldn't get Jenkins on the phone because he was right in the middle of straight murdering the shit out of some poor chump for a biscuit. Nice. That's precisely the kind of thing Chris Ivory used to do! High five!

On the other hand, it's also the kind of thing Jonathan Sullivan used to do. Difference is that, in Sullivan's case, it wasn't metaphorical. Also, I'm not sure Sullivan ever actually succeeded in killing a motherfucker for a biscuit. He tried, but he'd usually either end up flat on his ass, or just lose interest and give up.

But this guy?!? Just look at that monster! Jenkins isn't NEARLY the fat tub of shit with the perpetually blank stare that Sullivan was. He's straight yoked, he's got that barrel chest, tree trunks for arms, and the face of a very hungry dude with whom you'd be wise not to fuck. He actually looks a hell of a lot like "The World's Strongest Man" WWE's Mark Henry. Which is why we here at moosedenied would like to pause once again and officially bestow upon Jenkins the nickname: Sexual Chocolate. (Oh yeah, that one's sure to stick.)

Anyway, if you're keeping score at home, that makes three longstanding needs filled by the Saints at this point: A Samoan (of the Mexican variety) AND a left tackle from Arkansas AND a dude who will kill a motherfucker for a biscuit. Outstanding. ON TO DAY THREE! Where the Real™ superstars are born!

Day three didn't start off too well, not over at Saintsreport anyway. Man, they were jonesing HARD for that white wideout. (They're ALWAYS jonesing for the white wideout in the late rounds.) They had the prayer circle going and everything. Unfortunately, the inevitable quarter-hourly server outages kept breaking the mojo before it could reach critical mass. And as a result, they ended up with a high yellow cross-dresser with a goofy-ass hairdo instead. Ooooh, that's gotta hurt. Hey, on the plus side, his name is easy to spell. High five!

Predictably, the comparisons to Lance Moore began rolling in with great alacrity. Which I'm sure had nothing to do with his complexion. It was probably way more about the obvious joie de vivre both men share, which is made readily apparent by a couple of quick Google Image Searches. What does come as a bit of a surprise is that, on further investigation, the comparisons are arguably at least somewhat apt for actual football reasons.

Now work with me here, I'm not saying Stills is a Lance Moore clone or anything like that. Hell, if Stills ends up being half the player Lance Moore is, that'd be a win. On the other hand, Stills appears to be a bit more "athletically gifted" than Lance. A little taller, a little faster, that kind of thing. So he's got that going for him. Stills does have a long way to go from a hands standpoint. He's also got a whole hell of lot to prove in terms of reliability, football intelligence, and not being a pussy, just to earn the privilege of holding Lance's jock come August. (Not to mention boning up on his end zone dances.) Fingers crossed.

But the rationale strikes me as sound. Around this time last year, people were asking "What the hell is the point of drafting a Marques Colston clone in Nick Toon???" Seems to me it's become a lot more apparent now. It's all part of Loomis and Payton's Master Plan. They're setting up the second string at wideout to at least be a somewhat reasonable facsimile of Colston/Moore/Devery. Not exactly the same, but close enough if it all pans out. And on what planet is that not an absolutely fantastic plan? A little optimistic perhaps. But it sure as hell makes an awful lot of sense.

So for now, we'll just chalk that up as yet another need addressed. One pick left, and one glaring hole remains unfilled. Perhaps the most important of them all.

I'm of course referring to DUDES NAMED RUFUS!

And by golly, I'll be damned if they didn't take care of that one too. FINALLY! 'Bout goddamn time!

This guy… this is my kinda guy.

The jersey is already on its way. Fortunately for me, the good folks over in Guangzhou didn't much give a shit that I prefer RUFUS across the back as opposed to JOHNSON. Now that's what I call customer service!

So at the end of the day, I suppose I can honestly say I'm satisfied. Juuust short of thrilled right at the moment, but close enough. A hell of a lot closer than I've been in over half a decade now, anyway. Hey, I'll take it. Apparently so will most of you, because early polling suggests that we're all pretty much on board for one reason or another. That in and of itself is quite the accomplishment these days.

It wasn't perfect by any means. (Is it ever?) For example, they could have done a far better job of pissing off and/or confounding the shit out of Prisco. Maybe next year. (And by that I mean January/February of next year.) Decent effort though, all things considered.

And don't even get me started on that UDFA class! About six of whom are stone cold locks to make the 53-man roster come September, according to Message Board Guy. High five! IT'S LIKE A WHOLE OTHER DRAFT! Or something.

If there wasn't quite something for absolutely EVERYONE in the actual draft itself, surely the UDFAs covered all the other bases. There's the homer pick in Tulane's Ryan Griffin (who my sources are confirming is NOT a sarcastic, alcoholic talking cartoon dog.) And after having been thoroughly owned by canu2u last week re: the Saints not taking any of LSU's overrated players — good call canu2u, it stings like a motherfucker, but I'll gladly buy you a beer or six because you certainly nailed it — Griffin kinda hits the spot here from a homer standpoint. I'll sure as hell take that guy over Luke McCown and Seneca Wallace, thank you very much.

Saintsreport got themselves a white linebacker not named Scott Shanle, and if there's anything Saintsreport loves almost as much as a white wideout, it's a white linebacker not named Scott Shanle.

And on and on like that. If you didn't know any better, you'd swear Loomis has access to a big bin full of Adrian Arringtons or something.

Sure glad that guy's on our side.

Also, screw you, Roger Goodell. You are just the worst.

Please feel free to pimp us on your favorite social media service: