Say, ever wondered why fans of a team named after meat packers call themselves cheeseheads? Yeah, me neither. Pick a source of animal protein already, chumps!

And have you ever noticed that their ridiculous foam cheesehead hats are yellow like cheddar, but have holes in them like swiss? It don't make no sense, I tells ya. Perhaps they're trying to confuse the opposition. Or something. Here's hoping the Saints don't fall victim to such chicanery Thursday night. It's a trap!

It's a shame that the Packers are a threat to the Saints' efforts toward renewed NFC dominance, because otherwise, I wish them no specific harm.

There's an awful lot to like about the Packers. There's the whole municipally-owned thing they've got going on, Mike McCarthy's uncanny resemblance to Ralph Wiggum, his and Ted Thompson's hilarious curbstomping of Brett Favre back in 2008, the rich history, Vince Lombardi, their tailgating virtuosity, and on and on. I think we can all agree that the Packers are nowhere near Chicago and Minnesota on the asshole scale.

And of course we all respect the hell out of Wisconsin's longstanding contributions to keeping Americans' pie holes perpetually stuffed with various meat and cheese products, not to mention alcoholic beverages. By golly, if they weren't the enemy, we could probably be friends.

Unfortunately, they are in fact the enemy. So fuck them. We can be friends in week 5, assuming this time they can manage to not shit the bed in the last minute against Atlanta.

Meantime, the big tee vee show is all set to begin sometime Thursday afternoon outside the stadium in the high-density feed lot, with performances by notoriously-crappy but non-threatening and tee-vee-friendly musical acts Maroon 5, Lady Antebellum and Kid Rock. (The new flag-waving, pickup-truck-driving, GOP-loving John Cougar Mellencamp version, that is. Not the original hooker-banging, speedball-shooting, mean-streets-of-Detroit version.)

Yeah, I had to Google Lady Antebellum. Why didn't somebody warn me? Guh.

Fun fact: The name of Maroon 5's drummer is Matt Flynn. (Thanks to Google for that one too.) Which by all indications is the closet link any of these bands have to the state of Wisconsin. Surely there will be polka bands too, right? RIGHT???

Speaking of which, if you've got a few minutes to kill and are in a particularly self-punishing mood today, search "packers" in iTunes. Oh my. You think Abdul D Tentmaker's musical and lyrical stylings are insipid and generic? Apparently Green Bay's got about 50 Abduls. Please tell me somebody saw to it that Mr. Ghetto will be in attendance. Somebody needs to bring some flavor to that cracker-ass square dance.

Anyway, the only things that promise to be more ubiquitous than the brats, cheese curds and Miller High Life are the maudlin, superficial patriotism and of course the shameless, relentless product placement. God bless America!

Sometime around 8:00, the party will move inside to the killing floor. (Oh, don't let the name throw you, Jimmy. It's not really a floor. It's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so that it can be collected and exported.) At which point tens of Packers fans will witness the unfurling of their latest championship banner as the rest in attendance ask one another if anybody knows when Brett's gonna show up. Or at least Fake Brett.

Then, hopefully sometime before 11:00 or so (fingers crossed) it'll finally be business time. That's where things get a whole lot less predictable, and  you suddenly discover that your bowels are a lot less reliable.

I don't know about you, but I haven't the slightest clue how this thing is gonna go down. These teams are so evenly matched, hell, they're all but carbon copies of each other. Elite quarterbacks, elite passing games, elite pass defenses, suspect (but with potential) running games, suspect run defenses, fantastic playcallers on both sides of the ball. The smart money is probably on an eventual margin of <7 points in the final score, and the outcome turning on a turnover or a special teams play. It's a classic "who the hell knows" pick 'em type of matchup.

I'm going with the Saints, but I'm not really sure why. Oh, who am I kidding? I know exactly why. Because I'm a huge fuckin' homer.

Besides that, just call it a contrarian hunch, I look at this week's pet stat everybody's been trotting out — that the reigning champs are 7-0 in Thursday night season-openers since they started scheduling them — and I just get the feeling that streak is "due" to be broken. Similarly, the Packers are 5-0 all-time in primetime season openers. These Thursday night openers are set up to be feel-good nights for the reigning champs, and that includes the champs starting 1-0 at home, and that's worked out each year so far. But at some point, somebody's gotta spoil the party eventually.

No time like the present. Sean Payton and Drew Brees have already been though this Thursday night opener situation twice, once as the champs and once as the challengers. This is Mike McCarthy's and Aaron Rodgers's first time. Sure it's "just another big game" and dealing with the distractions and hoopla and warm & fuzzies of it all hasn't stopped the reigning champs from winning this game all 7 times so far. But it's gonna happen eventually.

Oh I know, it's a weak basis for a pick. No argument there. But it's all I've got. I'm grasping at straws over here for something to tip the scales one way or the other (ideally, toward the outcome I prefer.)

So I guess what I'm saying is that I think the Saints win this one precisely because they're not supposed to. It wouldn't be a Saints game if it went according to the script.

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Alright, I'm gonna have to apologize for the relative crappiness of this here post and cut it short. I'd attempt something resembling actual "analysis" but unfortunately real life intervenes. Been helping a friend move all week, and it's been cutting huge chunks out of my regularly-scheduled internet jackassery time. I promise I'll do better henceforth, but I'm gonna have to go ahead and mail this one in and resume lifting shit. Sorry about that. Meantime, go read this.

Saints 28, Packers 24