The time will come
When we will be as one
Gonna feel the jones*
And nobody knows 
how we really feel
They don’t know the deal
We’ve got to put this back together
And sing our word to the mutha
Bringin’ it right back where we started from
And send our word to the mutha

Welcome to the First Annual moosedenied.com Thanksgiving Post, bitches. I wasn’t sure where to go with this little gimmick theme, but lately it occurs to me that it’s high time to show a little appreciation for The Hat.

I don’t know whether or not Coach Miles will be going to Michigan. And neither does anybody else, despite the fact that it seems everybody but me thinks they know. I don’t believe them, and neither should you. But what I do know is that LSU has been damn fortunate to have had Coach Miles here. So thanks, Coach. Thanks for everything. And should you decide, for whatever reasons, that your best option is to stay, thanks in advance for that.

Thanks for being one hell of a stand-up individual. I’ve never met you, all I know is what I’ve seen on tee vee, but it’s perfectly clear that you’re a good man. Sometimes you can just tell. It’s evident that you don’t have a phony bone in your body. Thanks for caring, really caring. Thanks for the fact that this seems to be such a difficult decision for you, despite the fact that "mama’s calling you home." That all indications are that this is not a no-brainer for you speaks volumes.

Thanks for being just a little goofy. Thanks for having a personality. Thanks for wearing the hat the way you do, and for continuing to do so despite being goofed on about it. Thanks for the way you say "Ar-Kansas." Thanks for not being an uptight, stuffed-shirt automaton like so many of your peers. Thanks for dropping an f-bomb on Alabama at a public event. Thanks for the absolutely hilarious clinched jaw and obvious disdain you ooze during those ridiculous halftime sideline interviews. Thanks for using the word "enjoy" in such creative, and frequent, ways. Thanks for speaking your damn mind about USC and the Pac 10 back in July, and making Stewart Mandel’s head explode in the process.

Thanks for having huge balls. Thanks for going for it on 4th about 1000 times. Thanks for not being afraid of being second-guessed. Thanks for giving your players the opportunity to win, even at the risk of being blamed if they don’t, rather than covering your own ass by playing it by the book at any cost.

And most of all, thanks for being one damn fine football coach. Thanks for the greatest three year run in the history of the program. Thanks for giving "Saban’s players" what they came to LSU for, what they thought Saban was going to give them. And then some. And thanks for the fact that your players are every bit as good as Saban’s were.

If you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand the draw. All it takes is a little intellectual honesty, and a soul. Anybody who will hate you for going is an idiot. Anybody who hopes you do go is also an idiot. And anybody at Michigan who doesn’t want you coaching the Wolverines is an idiot.

And that’s the part that I really don’t get. If it’s true that it’s not an absolute no-brainer for some of the decision-makers at Michigan, then don’t go. They don’t deserve you. Tell them to kiss your ass. You wouldn’t be rejecting "Mother Michigan." You’d be rejecting a bunch of assholes who, in their arrogance, think they can do better than Les Miles.

They can’t.

If they think they can, then let ‘em try.

It doesn’t make you any less of a Michigan Man. It’s no insult to the alma mater. Your status as a Michigan Man is beyond reproach no matter what happens with this situation. Hell, the people in Baton Rouge arguably have more respect for your Michigan Man identity than the people in Michigan do.

You have sent your word to the mutha pretty regularly, even while you have worn the purple and gold. You’ve always been upfront about it and never shy about it. For the most part, we’ve accepted that and haven’t given you much shit about it. We, most of us, and all of us who matter, want you here anyway. What does it say about them that a significant subset of them don’t want you there despite your Michigan Man status?

Do me a favor, Coach. Don’t go. I’ll owe ya one. If we ever meet, the drinks of your choice are on me.

Meantime, for those arrogant jackasses who think LSU can do better than Coach Miles, let me tell you something. We can’t. Why? Because it doesn’t get any better than Coach Miles. But since we might not have much choice in the matter, let’s quickly go over some of the potential replacements people have been tossing around…

Nick Saban | Head Coach | Alabama
Here’s the thing about Coach Saban: he’s an asshole. What he accomplished at LSU is worthy of the utmost respect. He put LSU back on the map. He locked up the state. He brought a Real™ Whole National Championship to Baton Rouge. Those things should never be forgotten and should be appreciated forever.

But he’s an asshole. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. Somewhere deep down, we’ve always known it. He was brought to Baton Rouge as a hired gun. One that, need I remind you, they weren’t all that sad to see go up in East Lansing. We always knew, whether or not we were willing to admit it to ourselves,  that he was only here for a few years. But we didn’t care. And we shouldn’t be blamed for not caring. He gave LSU what it paid for, and it ended just how everbody should have always expected it to end.

But things aren’t what they were in 2000 anymore. They’re not even what they were in 2004. Thanks to what Nick Saban accomplished at LSU, LSU is now in a position where they can do better than Saban. They’re not the same for Saban either. Setting aside for a second the utter implausibility of Saban leaving Alabama after one year to return to LSU, because some people seem all too eager to set that implausibility aside, these days, Saban is a national running joke.

What has happened since Saban left LSU, the way he left LSU, can’t be ignored. He is perceived as an utter failure at Miami. And he’s well on his way to being perceived as an utter failure at Alabama. It’s one thing to bring in a hired gun. It’s another thing altogether to bring in a hired gun who evidently has lost all ability to shoot.

Nick Saban was the right man, for the right program, at the right time. Nothing can ever change that. Except bringing him back. "Going home again?" Oh sure, that’ll get some media play, but Baton Rouge was never "home" for Saban. Never was, never will be. Let sleeping dogs lie. Especially a dog as pretty as the Saban years.

Mike Leach | Head Coach | Texas Tech
No. Fucking. Way. Are you kidding me? No analysis necessary, I’m pretty sure the dude wears mascara. No way in hell am I looking at that mug for the next several years. I mean… just… shit. I know it’s shallow, but big time college football… HELLO!!!… is show business. This guy might be Vince Lombardi, Bear Bryant and Knute Rockne all rolled into one. (He sure has hell has been rolled into something.) But… no. Just no.

Next time this dude is on your tee vee, make it a point to check him out, and then tell me whether this is the guy you want representing LSU for the next however-many years. I’m all for meritocracy, but if LSU is going to be "big time" then its face needs to be big time. It matters. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does.

Visor Boy | Head Ball Cock
Click. Clack. A damn fine head ball coach, no doubt. But implausibility is a factor here once again. On the other hand, "He has a long and storied history with LSU!!!" Yeah, an unbelievably adversarial one. So what if Spurrier wanted the LSU gig 100 years ago? They bitchslapped him and hired The Stache. And for a decade, Darth Visor reaped his revenge. What does any of that matter now? It shouldn’t matter to us, and it sure as hell doesn’t matter to Spurrier.

Some people think that Spurrier will coach until he dies. Others think he’s in kind of a semi-retirement already and cares mostly about his tee times. And none of them really know one way or the other. But this much is clear: Steve Spurrier doesn’t have a damn thing left to prove. And that’s a double-edged sword. It would be like hiring Don Shula or Jimmy Johnson. You’re getting a proven winner, but you’re doomed to perpetually wondering if his heart is really in it anymore.

Jack of the River | Head Coach | Jacksonville Jagwires
Probably the most appealing of the candidates, as far as I’m concerned. He’s a Cali guy, but he has that whole Miles-esque "going home" thing going on regardless, what with the meeting of his wife in Louisiana, the daughter at LSU, the house in Baton Rouge, etc.

But damned if that implausibility factor doesn’t rear its ugly head once again. It’s not like it’s impossible though, ask Al Groh. People act like successful NFL coaches never opt for a college gig when they don’t have to. Al Groh disagrees.

But Del Rio is an NFL Guy. And the adjustment is a two-way street. Just like a great college coach may not have the skillset to be a successful NFL coach, it does work the other way as well. It’s not as simple as NFL > college, and therefore… It’s a whole different skillset. There are no guarantees.

And that’s pretty much the bottom line, isn’t it? There are no guarantees. There weren’t any guarantees with Saban, there weren’t any guarantees with Coach Miles, and there aren’t any guarantees with the next guy. I could go on and on with the list of possible replacements for Coach Miles, but shit, I’ve got a fridge full of foodstuffs ready to be transformed by the grace of my incredible culinary acumen into something glorious.

Bottom line? None of these guys, or any of the other guys, are better than Coach Miles.

Why?

Because it doesn’t get any better than Coach Miles.

Thanks, Coach. If you’ve gotta go, then rest assured that you’ve got at least one purple-and-gold-bleeding die hard who will follow you and pull for you wherever you go. It’s the least I could do for all you’ve given me as an LSU fan. All I ask is that you grant me one last favor and consider that you’ve been a Michigan Man wherever you’ve gone, and you can be a Michigan Man wherever you might decide to stay.

(*I’m pretty sure that "Gonna feel the jones" isn’t actually
correct. I’ve tried to verify that, with no success. So I’m gonna
go ahead and take some kind of blogger’s poetic license
and just go with that, since it fits the content of the post.)

(I’m betting that, at the end, they aren’t exactly singing
"Pig Goff… Pig Goff hey… word to the mutha" either. Go figure.)