Alright Barkevious, it's high time we set a few things straight here before this situation gets out of hand.

Look, I know that Sean Payton wasted little time last week in putting the Spaghead Experience™ to its merciful end, and that he has publicly stated that the Saints will be moving to a 34 defense this fall. I'm aware of the fact that this has plenty of Saints fans daydreaming of a return to the good old days of the Dome Patrol. I bet you think you ought to be a part of that project, don't you Barkevious? Who do you think you are, former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

Oh sure, you've become a bit of a cult hero during your short career at LSU. You've got one hell of a bitchin' name. (The nickname? Not so much. Which is why we're gonna have to insist on continuing to call you Barkevious.) You're a born and raised Louisiana guy. By all accounts, you're one hell of a high-character guy as well. One who's smart enough to never have been busted for smoking grass, and classy enough that you'd never consider kicking a dude in the face outside a local bar. (Unless provoked, that is.) These days, that's quite the accomplishment at our state's flagship university. You've been dependable, productive, and we've had ourselves some great times together over the last three years.

And hey, don't get me wrong here, that's all great. But that doesn't mean you can strut around here like you're former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling.

What, I suppose it's because you're pretty much physically identical? Is that it? Is it because Swilling was 6-foot-3 and about 245 pounds, and you're 6-foot-5 and about 245 pounds? Because a quick Google image search clearly reveals that in pads basically you look exactly like Swilling coming out of college? Or maybe it's because Swilling was/is generally credited with a 40 time somewhere around 4.7, and you've been repeatedly clocked at somewhere around 4.5? Is it because of your long wingspan and huge hands? The FLUID HIPS?!?

Measurables are all fine and good, Barkevious. But I don't see how any of that can be used as any kind of basis for comparisons to former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling.

I really don't get it, Barkevious. I suppose it's because Swilling was considered a "tweener" coming out, who primarily played 43 defensive end in college but became a dominant speed-rushing 34 Jack linebacker in the NFL, much like you're projected to do?

Perhaps it's because you're an absolute freak of an athlete, with an off-the-charts motor that runs just as hot in the fourth quarter as it does in the first? Is it because you can play standing up or with your hand in the turf? Or that you've got a knack for defending passes to complement your pass-rushing skills? Is it because of your incredible agility and change-of-direction? That killer spin move? The infectious energy you bring with you to the field on every single down?

I mean, it's not as if this here defense needs any of those things right about now.

Let's be real here, Barkevious. To hell with measurables and intangibles, it's about production! As a four-year starter at Georgia Tech, Swilling posted 265 total tackles, 23 sacks, 37 tackles for loss and forced 9 fumbles. You only posted 119 total tackles, 15 sacks, 29 tackles for loss and forced 4 fumbles at LSU in about half that time, with only one year as a full-time starter. Are we supposed to be impressed?

Sure, had you stayed for your senior year you might have ended up with something like 21 sacks and 40 TFL while still having been mostly a backup for two of your three seasons. I suppose that's why you're gonna go in the top half of the first round in 2013 as opposed to 60th overall in 1986. You think that makes you some kind of big shot? You really think that ought to draw favorable comparisons to former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

Fine, I guess I'll go ahead and concede that you've got similar measurables, similar skills, similar production in college and similar intangibles. You win this round, asshole.

But you've got another thing coming if you think any of that means you're just gonna roll down Airline a ways and end up averaging 11 sacks a year and forcing 24 fumbles while being selected to five straight Pro Bowls during 7 seasons as a Saint.

Because here's the dirty little secret, Barkevious. The glaring weakness in your game. You think we don't know about it, but believe me, we're keenly aware of it.

You played your college ball at LSU. Don't even try to act like you didn't, because we've got 50,000 pages of documents that prove you did. Worse yet, you played for Les Miles. Former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling would never have done something like that!

Did you think we were just gonna overlook that? Do you not understand what a huge issue that is?

We're Saints fans, Barkevious. We don't have time to deal with that kind of nonsense.

Any Real™ Saints Fan knows that all LSU players are chumps, and only the blind devotion of a complete homer(!!!) would compel someone to suggest that the Saints should draft one. I mean, why not just draft 'em all and go 3-13 year in and year out, am I right? That's clearly what the homers would prefer, and if you draft one, you just encourage them. Next thing you know, they're wanting to waste a 5th on that Honey Badger dude. Gotta nip that shit in the bud before it gets out of hand, you know? (Eh? Eh? See what I did there? Because "bud" sometimes means marijuana.)

It doesn't help that when you play football at LSU, it's only a matter of time before even the aforementioned LSU homers get sick and damn tired of your disappointing them in some way or other and begin to focus on the many ways in which you suck. And there ain't no coming back from that, no matter how much you're the spitting fuckin' image of former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling.

So cut it out already, Barkevious. We're on to you. Don't bother following Jeff Duncan on Twitter about 5 minutes before the Saints make their selection come April. Joe Vitt will probably be fucking with him anyway. "Pick is in, Eddie Lacy" And it'll be hilarious! Hell, on second thought, maybe you ought to go ahead and follow Jeff. His constant stepping on his own dong really is high-quality entertainment.

Meantime, you're really gonna have to get over all this Pat Swilling bullshit. You've just got too much working against you here, Barkevious. It's just a bad fit. We're trying to build the new Dome Patrol here, not the Home Patrol.

Perhaps if you'd played your college ball at Georgia Tech, things might have worked out differently, and Message Board Guy would be shoehorning Tyler Wilson and Ryan Nassib into the top 10 right about now in all 37 versions of his mock draft, just for purposes of pushing you down to 15 where you'd clearly be the (all together now) BEST PLAYER AVAILABLE! But you didn't play your college ball at Georgia Tech, did you Barkevious? And it's too late to do anything about it now. Shoulda thought about that back in 2009.

And besides, you just know that Mickey Loomis and Sean Payton — the most arrogant guys in any room — are gonna try to parlay last year's trip to Canada into a full-blown Moneyball type thing and take the dude from Ghana or the other dude from Estonia. Or something. Am I right, Prisco?

So I'm sorry to break it to you, Barkevious. But despite having all the physical tools, the nonstop motor, the blazing speed, the scheme and positional versatility, the ability to fly all over the field, the incredible first step off the line, the quickness and agility, the relentless energy and give-a-damn, the underrated ability to take down tailbacks and defend passes, and the ability to keep opposing offensive coordinators up at night taking plays out of the gameplan and trying to figure out a way to stop you, I'm afraid you're just not the second coming of former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling.

And even if you were, what in the hell would the Saints do with a guy like that anyway?

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