What the hell were you thinking, Loomis? No way in hell that guy makes it through waivers!

On the other hand, the good news is that we can all exhale for the time being, as everybody's favorite undrafted rookie camp beast proved once again that he's pretty much uncuttable at this point. As a result, he avoided the turk and gets to take another step on his journey to Canton. I'm of course referring to Jose Gumbs. 

As tends to be the case with "third" preseason games, this one was a hell of a lot more fun to watch than were the previous… uh… three.

After having quickly fallen behind the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians by two scores, the Saints basically kicked their asses from there. 151 rushing yards at a clip of 4.9 yards per is always fun. Six sacks? Big fun.

And there was plenty of wackiness to boot, with the teams combining for 7 fumbles and 5 turnovers.

Junior Galette even got himself into the end zone on an absolutely hilarious "scoop & score." If you pause your DVR at exactly the right time, you can actually see the thought bubble above Junior's head as he looks back toward the scrum and notices the ball right there in his lap… "Wait, WTF?!?"

Junior gets up and reflexively takes half a step toward a guy with a cow on his helmet as if he were salivating over the prospect of knocking the guy flat on his ass. At which point, another thought bubble appears as Junior remembers "Oh shit, wait a minute, I've got the ball!" High comedy.

The only disappointment was that he clearly hasn't been consulting with Lance Moore on his end zone celebration repertoire. Gotta work on that, Junior. I've got a hunch that won't be the last time you find yourself in the end zone this season.

So it was a pretty amusing way to spend a Saturday night. When graded on the preseason football curve, anyway. I'm not sure we really learned anything though. Or at least nothing we didn't already suspect.

This just in: If the Saints have to face a top-10 offense with Jonathan Casillas starting at middle linebacker, flanked by Scott Shanle and Will Herring, they're pretty well boned. Shocking, I know.

Those first two Texans drives were pretty ugly. 8 plays, 80 yards in 3:57 for a TD and 5 plays for 40 yards in 3:01. Badda bing, badda boom, down by 14. BRING BACK GREGGGG!!! Guh.

After that though, not only was it not half bad, by golly it was pretty good. They held the Texans to 83 yards rushing at 3.8 yards per. 1 for 9 on 3rd down. Arian Foster, 8 for 32. Ben Tate, 4 for 10. Andre Johnson, 2 for 30.

Patrick Robinson is turning into goddamn Deion Sanders right before our eyes. (Or something.) And that Kaare White kid is going places. I want to see more of this guy. I bet he could post a hell of a quirky, semi-comprehensible blog on nola dot com.

Pretty sure Akiem Hicks is already the best Canadian defensive tackle in franchise history. It took Cameron Jordan 16 games last season before he posted his lone sack. He looks like a whole different guy out there. Or, more precisely I guess, he looks like the same guy, only moreso. Something like that.

Johnnie Poetrick and Malcolm Jenkins continue to make plays, and almost-make even more. I'm pretty sure Junior Galette's beard could beat a left tackle off the edge all by itself.

Plug in a stud middle linebacker (which, thankfully, is actually a realistic option this season) and with any luck a legit outside linebacker as well on September 9, and everything's gonna be just fine. Trust me. They don't call me Grandmaster Wrong™ for nothin'.

Meantime, this also just in: The Saints can do whatever the hell they want on offense. Resistance is futile.

Chris Ivory is the Mick Foley of tailbacks. This dude gives not one single individually-wrapped fuck about his own personal safety, let alone yours. I'm beginning to think that he may in fact be certifiably batshit insane. Be that as it may… 8 for 57, 7.1 yards per, with a long of 20. Yeah. Remember that guy? Good times.

Too bad for Chris that apparently HE FUMBLES ALL THE GODDAMN TIME!!! (As long as you ignore the fact that he really doesn't.)

And that, unlike Chris, The Great Toussaint L'Overture Cadet is "multi-dimensional." (Except that he isn't, because he can't run the ball for shit.)

And that the Saints will need someone to catch passes out of the backfield just in case both Sproles and Mean Joe Screen™ suffer nine separate misfortunes. (Because clearly the offense would be straight fucked if that happens. I mean, it's not like they have any other weapons.)

Which apparently makes Cadet UNCUTTABLE (which he isn't) because HE'LL NEVER MAKE IT THROUGH WAIVERS TO THE PRACTICE SQUAD (which he totally will.)

Setting aside for a moment my primary position of "Okay, let's assume Cadet doesn't make it through waivers and gets picked up by some other team… who gives a shit?" (because for some reason apparently many of us do give a massive steaming shit about this) I did a little "research" over the weekend to try to figure out how much truth there is to the notion that every goddamned GM in the league is really gonna be falling all over himself to be the first to fax in a waiver claim for this guy.

That's right, Yours Truly sat down and pored over a metric fuckload of game film. And by that, I mean I browsed through all 31 other teams' preseason stats over at NFL dot com. But hey, that's pretty much the same thing. Right, Message Board Guy?

The good news is that, while I'd never go as far as to say that guys like Travaris are "a dime a dozen" or anything, the thing is… turns out it just so happens that pretty much every other team in the NFL already has its very own Travaris. (At least the ones who haven't already cut their Travaris, that is.)

No, seriously. Everybody's got a Travaris. On their own roster. Right this minute. Several teams have a couple of 'em, in fact. Shocking, I know. But it's true.

Arizona – William Powell
Atlanta – Dimitri Nance
Baltimore – Damien Berry
Carolina – Armond Smith, Tauren Poole
Cleveland – Adonis Thomas
Dallas – Jamize Olawale
Denver – Xavier Omon
Detroit – Stephfon Green and our old pal Joique Bell
Green Bay – Marc Tyler
Indy – Vick Ballard
Houston – Jonathan Grimes
Jacksonville – Keith Toston
Kansas City – Nate Eachus, Cyrus Gray
Miami – Lamar Miller
Minnesota – Matt Asiata
New England – Brandon Bolden, Jeff Demps
New York Jets – Terrance Ganaway
Oakland – Lonyae Miller
Pittsburgh – Baron Batch, Chris Rainey
Philadelphia – Chris Polk, Bryce Brown
San Diego – Edwin Baker
Seattle – Tyrell Sutton
St. Louis – Daryl Richardson
Tampa – Michael Smith, De’Anthony Curtis
Tennessee – Darius Reynaud
Washington – Alfred Morris

Whoa. That's a veritable shitload of Travarises!

(Now, I'm sure you've just spent the last half hour nitpicking the living fuck out of that list and cobbling together your own list of technical inaccuracies you'd just love to debate. This guy wasn't undrafted, that guy's not a rookie, this other guy is "a roster lock!!!" and totally isn't on the bubble, that other guy is "just a camp body and can't carry Travaris's jock" or whatever. Sorry, but I'm not interested in splitting hairs over this. It's a quick-and-dirty, close enough, and it still illustrates the point regardless of whatever trivial "gotcha!"s you might pull out of your ass.)

So… by my admittedly subjective count, that leaves a whopping 5 teams who lack their very own Travaris right about now. (Buffalo, Chicago, Cincinnati, the New York Football Giants and San Francisco.)

And 3 of those 5 teams (Chicago, New York and San Francisco) don't really count because they're already set at tailback from top to bottom (you know… kinda like the Saints are) and don't really have a need for a Travaris in the first place.

And most of the teams who already have their very own Travaris will be cutting him soon, if they haven't already. Which means that pretty soon Buffalo and Cincinnati are gonna have a big bin full of Travarises to pluck one from. Assuming they're even interested, that is.

But hey, perhaps Travaris is hands-down the best of that bunch, and even those other teams who just cut their own Fake-Travaris will be BLOWING UP THE FUCKIN' WAIVER WIRE for purposes of upgrading to The One And Only Real Travaris™. Or something.

Yeah, I suppose it's possible. You win this round, asshole. Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that it's not very likely though.

But hey, it only takes one, right? Touché, I guess. Now might be a good time to go ahead and reintroduce the notion of "Well, okay… so the fuck what?" It's not like there won't still be a big bin full of Travarises for the Saints to choose from. Assuming they're even interested, that is.

I mean, hell, there's always Joe Banyard if worse comes to worst. And if worse comes to even worse than that, don't even get me started on the notion of finally unleashing Jed Collins. JED COLLINS, BITCHES!

But the point isn't that the Saints will be fine regardless. Nor is it the fact that, after all, we're talking about a 4th string tailback here for crying out loud. (Those things are true, they're just not the point.)

The point is that if you just can't bear the thought of the Saints being fool enough to cut The Great Toussaint L'Overture Cadet, then please, rest easy. Refrain from doing anything rash. Shop as usual, and avoid panic buying.

Because, chances are, nobody else is gonna give a shit. High five!

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